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This is an archive of high-quality copypasta, sorted by theme.

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For real life Easter eggs see Gideon's Key


Contents: Top - 0–9 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z - One-liners

Contents

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0-9

15M Get

For almost THREE MINUTES /b/'s highest post count was 14999949. All attempts at posting were blocked with a "MySQL connection failure." I can believe a connection failure for 90%, 99%, or 99.9% of the total posters. But for three minutes not ONE post made it to /b/. That's IMPOSSIBLE. By the laws of probability at least a few posters should have been able to successfully post. But no. ALL POSTS were blocked for THREE MINUTES. After this time, we are greeted with a stickied 15000000GET of Spacecataz. The first post in the sticky was made FOUR MINUTES after that sticky was supposed to have been posted. With tens of thousands of /b/tards refreshing madly, is it remotely plausible that it took thousands of pairs of eyes FOUR MINUTES to locate the sticky and type out a reply? Or rather, is it more plausible that that sticky was made during the "dark period" wherein nobody could post? Nobody, that is, except for you know who.

The trick to mod fuckery is not to make it obvious, guys. There have been failGETS before, but at least there was a glimmer of hope that they were simply failing users, not mods stroking their bloated egos. Now there can be no doubt. Fuck you, mods. Fuck you.

4chan-related

Many English copy-pastas have originated from 4chan, so a lot of them will make a specific mention to 4chan and /b/. They are available on the separate page Copypasta: 4chan

A


AIDS

Man, that's a BEAUTIFUL cock

This one originated from a website for fags with AIDS fetish. True story. It contains a misspelling of TD4-cells to sound clever by way of pretension of stupidity, a tactic for dumbing down shit first practiced by the homosexual Lowtax-fellating morons in FYAD over at SA

Man, that's a BEAUTIFUL cock -- and a nice set of hairy, balls making hot loads of HIV semen! I'd love to have you impregnate a some of my CD4 cells. Then I'd have a strain of your descendants living in me always. Very Hot! Happy Fucking, Brother!


Papa Gino's, AIDS, etc.

God damn you, /b/. I fucking hate you. I've been noticing how you've been fucking with my head, making me see memes everywhere, and now it cost me my job.

I used to work at a pizza joint called Papa Gino's, which is a chain here in New England. Today, two guys came in, and they were very obviously a couple. Never in my life have I seen people this blatantly gay. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bleeding heart liberal hippie treehugger commie bastard, and I'm even bisexual myself, but DAMN these two were gay. Everything was going fine, right up until I served them their food. Instead of the usual "enjoy your meal" bit that I usually say, /b/ seized control of my brain.

"There you are, guys. Enjoy your AIDS." As soon as that A passed my lips, alarm bells went nuts in my head. But it was too late. I didn't realize what I had just done until I had finished speaking. The two guys just stared at me in shock for a momment, and I went pale. I knew that my days of free pizza and all the Mountain Dew I could drink were over in that one instant.

The two dudes go DIPSHIT. My manager comes over, and there's screaming about hate crimes, bigotry, lawsuits, and one of them even stood up and threatened to beat the shit out of me. We got into a fight, and my manager got scared, and said youre moving with your aunte and uncle in bel-air.

I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!"

I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie "yo homes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air.

Alpha Male

I'm an Aplha male /b/.

And girls want to fuck alpha males. Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true. That girl you like who is kinda cute in a weird way, but is totally sweet and you have the biggest crush on? The one who keeps going back to guys who treat her wrong for reasnos you don't understand? The one who calls you up at 1 am to cry about how her boyfriend hasn't called her in 3 days, and no matter how long you listen to her, she'll never think of you as anything other than asexual? The one who will curl up next to you on the couch, hug you close, kiss you on the cheek, and never let you fucking touch her beyond that?

Yeah, I'm fucking her.

The hot girl who won't even look at you when you nod at them and smile? The one who laughs when you trip in the hallway and drop your stuff? The one who comes up and coyly aks for your help with her homework, and then pretends you don't exist once you finish?

Yeah, I'm fucking her too, even harder.

The geeky girl you think might be enough like you that you have a chance with her? She plays warcraft on your server, and watches anime, and reads comics? She's so incredible and you just love her so much but you still haven't worked up the courage to tell her how you feel about her?

Guess who just sucked me off and told me they'll always love me?


And what's more? I laugh at guys like you. When you cry about how much girls treat you bad, and wonder why they can't just see that you're a nice guy who would always treat them right? I nod and tell you to hang in there, you'll find someone right for you someday, don't give up hope man. But inside? I'm laughing my ass off at you you pathetic fuck. Every girl you set your sights on, who isn't a disgusting pig-monster, I'm going to fuck 6 ways from sunday before you even tell her you think she's cute. I won't bother trying when you finally settle for that 350 pound girl who works at hardees, you can have that. Anything else I'm going to cum on her face before you get those lips near it.

And the biggest reason I laugh? It's not me doing all this. It's the girls. When you cry about how lonely you are? Or talk about how you just want to curl up and dissapear, and all that emo bullshit? You're triggering her "Don't Fuck" instinct something feirce. You're a miserable weak coward, why would she want your genes? Feel free to buy her a new computer and help her decorate her apartment, you're great for that. But her baby-maker is barking orders at her, telling her to wrap her legs around me and hold on for as long as she can. She needs it, on a primal level you'll never get to see first hand, even if you do get a chance to fuck her. Sooner or later one of them will lay back and spread their legs, but you won't see any hunger in their eyes. They won't beg you to love them forever and make them yours. You won't know what it's like to see her animal side needing you as much as she needs to eat and breath.


And she's cheating on you, I promise that. When she sits around quiet and uncomfortable, acting irritable and irrational towards you, wanting you to just back away and leave her alone, it's not her period. It's because I haven't called her for a day or two and her instincts are telling her to go find me. The primitive section of her brain doesn't want to risk smelling like another man when she gives herself to me, she wants me to know she's completely mine. We do things together she tells you she never would. Her pooper? Mine. I want to give her a facial? of course. I want her to suck the cum out of my dick, even though I just finished pumping away at her ass? she's never going to tell me no. She doesn't WNAT to tell me no. She wants me to know she'll do anything it takes to keep me. She'll rim my ass while she's down there sucking me off if it means pleasing me. She'll drink my cum from a shotglass. She'll wear a buttplug when we go out to dinner. She'll sleep handcuffed to my headboard. Anything.

And then she'll go home to you and tell you she's not in the mood today.

I'd say you should become an hero, but you being aruond makes her want a real man all the more, so keep fagging it up emo bitches, I'll keep that pussy warm while you're crying in the corner.

Anonymous does not raid

ANONYMOUS DOES NOT FUCKING RAID. WHEN YOU LEAVE /b/ YOU ARE NO LONGER ANONYMOUS.

ALL that raiding does is establish a link with the disgusting identity-saturated world that exists outside of 4chan.

A person doing, referencing, or talking about things that belong inside /b/ while outside is just an idiot. We are all fucking idiots here, but because we are ALL anonymous and ALL acting randomly we create something WONDERFUL, something that is not just a bunch of random crap but EVERYTHING, and because we have no identity here each and every one of us owns the ENTIRE sum of our efforts.

What you people are doing is NOT anonymous, you are no longer anonymous, you are "anonymous from /b/" you get an identity, you may call yourselves anon BUT YOU ARE NOT ANONYMOUS!

YOU DO NOT TAKE /b/ WITH YOU! The environment which transforms random acts into enlightenment is NOT THERE, you do nothing but make yourselves look stupid and POTENTIALLY THREATEN OUR FUTURE.

Many of you do not even understand what /b/ is. You have come here too late and where absorbed into this newbie raiding culture. At first it started small, but then my mom got scared. She sent me to live with my auntie and uncle in bel-air. I whistled for a cab and when it came near, its license plate said fresh and it had a dice in the mirror. That is more or less harmless. BUT YOU IDIOTS ARE RUINING IT. We should not have started, WE DID NOT KNOW IT WOULD HAVE TO KEEP GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER.

ALREADY THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS ARE BEING FELT! Look around you; it's now around seven or eight and we've dispatched the cabbie; finally, we have a chance to sit on our thrones as princes of bel-air. mock-fighting is now turning into real hostilities.

/b/ IS NOT AN INTERNET POWER, we are a STATE OF MIND. There is no /b/ army, there is no /b/-'anything', there is only /b/ and anonymous.

Anime fans

Anime is not for nerds

For nerds? Well excuse me... Some people grew up with it and is part of there culture aka asians. Also its a good thing to do when ur bored. + your list of anime is prob less thn 0.001% of whats actually on the market. Not all anime are or children and nerds there are large varietys targeted at different groups.

Also teen titans is not really anime tho drawn in a very similar/same style as anime. There are certain rules it does not follow making it a cross breed

And yes i am awfully offended at your steriotyping.

Thankyou. P.s. and no animes not just about hentai... Add more variety to your gallery...

My girlfriend is cute and smart and she's awesome

My girlfriend is cute and smart and she's an anime faggot like me

The other night she and I were cuddling in bed and she started humping me and whispering "oniichan oniichan" and that turned me the fuck on

so I called her "oneechan" and then she stopped and looked at me and I said "what is it" to which she replied "I always wanted a twin brother so we could fuck all the time" (she's an only child and all I have is a younger brother)

so all night long we were humping and calling each other oniichan and oneechan and I came in my underwear and we were pretending we were brother and sister trying to sexually please each other without having sex and it was fucking hot

Angry Sun

>>/r/ angry sun pics

wtf irony

When I was about nine, I had recently gotten a Nintendo Entertainment System from a garage sale down the road, the first gaming system I ever had. One game that I bought was Super Mario Brothers 3, the final chapter of the widely-acclaimed SMB trilogy, which like in the original Super Mario Brothers consisted of Mario/Luigi chasing after Princess Toadstool (whose name has since been bastardized to 'Peach'). Back on topic though; so I had advanced to World 2, "Desert Land" and I was moving along rather smoothly, in the back of my mind knowing that at some point the levels would start to get more difficult; I soon noticed a tile, one unlike the other tiles (Toad houses, numbered tiles, etc). It appeared to be some cross-hybrid of flowing diarrhea and sand, which caught my attention. I navigated my way to the tile, and hit the A button and was warped to what appeared to be a normal level; there even was a happy sunshine in the top left corner! As I side-scrolled my way through the level, the fucking sun decided to go apeshit and sodomize me repeatedly until I finally broke down in tears, throwing my controller at the ground screaming for my mom. That fucking bastard.

And no, this is not copy pasta.

Ascii Art for mixed width fonts

Ascii Art for mixed width fonts can be displayed on places such as 4Chan's /b/, with mixed width fonts like Helvetica or Verdana. They are available on the separate page Copypasta: Ascii Art for mixed width fonts

Ashtray

As we all know, smoking is really bad for your health. What a lot of people don't realize is that when you smoke, those few minutes of your expected lifespan are literally transformed into the ash you flick away into an ashtray. Ashtrays, each and every one of them, are constructed by a single group running several dozen front companies.

Basically, unless you're putting out your smokes beneath your heel or in the ashtray your kid made at camp, you're dispensing your ashen life into this group's eager little recepticle. Their ashtrays absorb the life force from the ashes and sends it to a central holding facility. No one knows for sure what these guys are going to do when they've collected all that life energy, but it's probably going to be huge.

Incidentally, there's talk of a rival organization leading the anti-smoking political agenda from behind the scenes. They probably figure removing smoking sections, and thus ashtrays, from restaurants and bars is a good first step towards thwarting whatever it is this ashtray company is trying to do.

Attention Newgrounders

ATTENTION NEWGROUNDERS,

FACT: NEWGROUNDS WAS FUNNY WHEN WE WERE ALL 12 LIVING IN THE SUBURBS LISTENING TO LINKIN PARK WATCHING DRAGONBALL Z DRINKING PEPSI WHILE PLAYING HALO CO-OP ON THE EASIEST SETTING DURING WHICH WE CONSUMED DORITOS AND LOOKED AT PAINTBALL GUNS ON EBAY IN INTERNET EXPLORER CONNECTED THROUGH AOL ON A 56K MODEM BEFORE HOPPING INTO OUR BALDING FATHERS' LATEST MIDLIFE-CRISIS-IMPULSE-SPONSORED JAPANESE-BUILT SUV TO HEAD TO THE MALL AND GET MORE SKATEBOARDING SHOES AND THIRD-RATE IRREGULAR LEVIS AND MOUNTAIN BIKE PARTS BEFORE HEADING HOME, VOTING DEMOCRAT AND MASTURBATING TO THE LATEST SEARS CATALOG WHILE HUFFING PAINT IN YOUR GARAGE BEFORE TALKING TO PEDOPHILES ON AIM PRETENDING TO BE WHATEVER CAMWHORE THEY'RE RANTING ABOUT ON MYSPACE WITH A MATRIX QUOTE/ANIME CHARACTER NAME/TRIPLE SIX-ASTERISK-PARENTHESES-SURROUNDED SCREENNAME BEFORE HEADING TO YOUR SUPPOSED "GOOD SCHOOL" IN THE MORNING TO BUY MORE POT TO SMOKE DURING YOUR COUNTER-STRIKE LAN PARTY WITH JIMMY AND THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS TAKING RITALIN AND ADDERALL AND PROZAC EIGHT TIMES A DAY BEFORE TAKING A CASUAL PASS AT LOCAL, STATE OR NATIONAL GOVERNMENTIAL FIGURES, LEGISLATURE, OR STRUCTURE TO APPEAR EDGY AND INTELLIGENT IN FRONT OF YOUR BUDWEISER-SNEAKING, LIMP-WRISTED, NEAR-TO-COLUMBINE SOCIOPATHIC "DEEP" FRIENDS WHO PLAY THE VICTIM WHEN THEY START LOSING ARGUEMENTS SIX DAYS BEFORE THEIR BOTCHED SUICIDE ATTEMPT SIMPLY BECAUSE SCHOOL TRAMP NUMBER TWELVE WOULDN'T GO UNDER THE BLEACHERS WITH THEM TO LET THEM GET TO SECOND BASE BEFORE THEIR THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY.

Anus

You know, I like 4chan as much as the next guy, but when 4chan starts asking about my anus, that's when I say things start to get a little TOO personal.

B

/b/&etta

BAM! TO BEHOLD, A PUBLIC BULLETIN BOARD, BUILT OF BOTH BRILLIANCE AND BARBARITY BY BASTARDS WITH BONERS. THIS BASTION, NO MERE BULWARK OF BOREDOM, IS A BRUTAL BARRAGE OF BLISTERING BULLSHIT, BARELY BENEVOLENT... BUT BEHIND THE BIGOTRY AND BOOBS, BEYOND THE BITTER BROADCASTS OF BRAGGING BUFFOONS: HERE BE THE BODY POLITIC. A BROTHERHOOD OF BLASPHEMY, BLESSED WITH MORE BALLS THAN BRAINS, BATTLING THE BLAND, THE BOGUS, THE BENIGN. BEDLAM? BRING IT ON. BUT I BABBLE... BETTER TO BE BRIEF. YOU MAY CALL ME /B/.

Beat Up a Girl

when I was 13, I tied up this girl that was 12 with a jumprope, then beat the fuck out of her.

By the time I was done, her lip was split, her wrists were bleeding from the rope cuttin into them, one of her eyes was swollen shut, she was missing two teeth, her small tits will entirely black and blue, her pussy was bleeding, and I’m fairly sure that several bones in her feet were broken.

When I let her down, she crumpled on the floor and went into a fetal position and just hugged her legs to her chest and sobbed quietly.

I suddenly got very aroused seeing that, so I pulled out my dick (I has actally hit puberty 12, and was hairy, balls dropped and everything functioning) and started jerking off quietly. Eventually, I started to breathe harder, and she noticed what I was doing, and she just looked at me with this look of absolute horror on her face.

It was at that moment that I climaxed and sprayed probably my biggest load of cum ever all over face and chest.

Then, I picked up her torn shirt from the ground, wiped off my dick and tossed it to her.

I told her to clean herself up and that if she ever told anyone, I would go to her house and kill her while she slept, and that if anyone asked who hurt her, she should say a bunch of highschool kids did it.

When I think back on it, I think she was the first girl I ever loved.

...god I’m fucked up.

Best Anime Ever, the

The best anime ever, without any doubt, is Evangelion. Not only is the plot amazing, it delivers important themes about society and has a lot of symbols about religion. Pisses me off that people don't understand how beautiful this anime is and I just want to punch them in the face.

Book of 4chan

See Book of 4chan

Blackie in school

Hey /b/. I don't mean to sound like a racist,

But what the hell is up with black youth? I ask this because of a few events that happened today. I was sitting in my English class this afternoon when a knock sounded at the door. Mind you, this took place about a half hour AFTER class started. Lo and Behold the person knocking was the only black student in my class. This is the first time this week that he actually showed up for class, and he sauntered in like he was early for class. He took a seat rather noisily and basically caused the class to pause until he settled down and finished saluting his homies.

Class continued as normal until assignments were handed out. That is when he started to speak. My god, /b/, I have never heard a more blabbering, mumbling person speak in my life. I couldn't understand a damn thing coming out of his mouth. The few things I DID understand were him asking the difference between an "illusion" and "allusion", and his apparent hatred for homonyms. After the misunderstanding was cleared he then went on about how 'bling' his shoes were until the class ended. During the class he also claimed that the name '50 Cent' is a metaphor.

So I ask this of you /b/, why can't black people learn to speak and/or pay attention? Why do they care more about their 90$ piece of shit 'bling' batman shoes than learning? I live in a town where there are at most 20 black people, and 90% of the ones I've been in the same room with could fit right in with the racial stereotype.

Burger King

BE IT BREAKFAST, BRUNCH OR BED AND BE YOU A BAREFOOT BURGLAR, BRITISH BANKER OR BEDFAST BOOKMAKER A BASIC BESTIAL BLESSING IS THE BURGER! A BILLION BURGER BANQUET BEQUETH UPON ME FROM A BURGER BASTION OF BEDLAM BARELY BEGINS TO BOIL MY BULKY BURGER BURDEN. YET I MUST BARE BULBOUS BEGGERS BESEECHING BURGERS TO BUILD UPON THEIR BIG BAGGAGE WHILE BREEDING BARBARICALLY. BUT BEFORE THE BURGER BANQUET A BETTER BEGINNING IS OBLIGED. YOU MAY CALL ME BURGER KING.

C

Canada Boy

Hey Canada boy, look at yourfaggot picture. You can't call anyone a faggot when your face is the ultimate faggot face. And it looks like your pretty dumb yourself considering you can't even spell penis.

Caught snorkelling

Last night my girlfriend came home earlier than she ever has and caught me, naked, watching porn, and stroking it with a mask and snorkel on.

There's not really much to say at that point. She walked right past me and went into the bedroom. I quickly turned the porn off, put on some pants, and took the mask and snorkel off. Five minuets later she came out of the bedroom and asked how my day was... it was like she didn't just catch me throttling myself with a mask and snorkel on. The rest of the evening went as normal. We had baked chicken and green beans for dinner, and then watched the simpsons.

I don't really don't know what else to say.

Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin lay there in bed, next to his tiger. His fourteenth birthday was tomorrow. He was getting older, puberty striking at his mind, voice, and body. He kissed Hobbes on the cheek, puling him closer and thanking him for being his friend.

Then it happened. It had been happening often since he was thirteen and he had no control over it. His erection tented his boxers, pressing against his friend's rump.

"Stop.." Hobbes mumbled with a growl, pushing him away.

Calvin turned onto his back, pulling his under shorts down and revealing his standing pillar, about five inches. Average, he figured.

He shook Hobbes awake. He didn't wake easily and grumbled and growled, but eventually sat up. "What, Calvin?" He asked angrily, wanting very much to go back to sleep.

"I love you."

"I love you too.." Hobbes said awkwardly. 'What is this about?' He wondered.

"Do you really love me?"

"Yeah, why?" Hobbes sat up further, sleep forgotten.

"I want to mate with you.." Calvin blushed.

"Wait! What? You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.

I whistled for a cab and when it came near the liscence plate said "fresh" and had dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I though "nah, forget it, yo home to Bel Air"!

I pulled up to the house at about seven or eight, yelled to the cabbie, yo homes, smell you later. Looked at my kingdom, and I was finally there, to sit on my throne, as the Prince of Bel Air.

Chuck Norris

Have you heard of the "Chuck Norris Facts"?

There are more than 50,000 jokes making their way around the Internet that purport to be "facts" all playing off my movie roles as a "tough guy" and my history as a martial arts champion. But they aren't "jokes" to those who spread them – they're "facts."

Here are a few of my favorites:

  • "When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."
  • "Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."
  • "Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris."

These "facts" have become a phenomenon – a fad spread mainly by young people of high school and college age. It's hard to explain why these things happen – how they take on a life of their own.

Naturally, over the past couple years as this wildfire has been raging, people have asked me, "What do you think of all this?"

My answer is always the same: Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. And, thankfully, most are just promoting harmless fun. (But be careful if you go searching for "Chuck Norris Facts" on the Internet, because some are just not appropriate for kids.)

Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of the craze of "Chuck Norris Facts." It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. I'm so grateful for my fans. Who knows, maybe these one liners will prompt some one to seek out the real facts about me and the beliefs that have shaped my life and my career.

While I have as much fun as anyone else reading and quoting them, let's face it, most "Chuck Norris Facts" describe someone with supernatural, superhuman powers. They're describing a superman character. And in the history of this planet, there has only been one real Superman. It's not me.

Let me illustrate using a few of the claims being made about me in the various lists of "Chuck Norris Facts":

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises."

I've got a bulletin for you, folks. I am no superman. I realize that now, but I didn't always. As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star, I put too much trust in who I was, what I could do and what I acquired. I forgot how much I needed others and especially God. Whether we are famous or not, we all need God. We also need other people.

If your whole life is spent trying to make money and you neglect the people important in your life, you will create an emptiness deep in your heart and soul. I know. I fell into that trap. I dedicated my whole life to fame and fortune. I had a huge hole in my heart and was miserable until I met my wife, Gena, who brought me back to the Lord.

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

Again, I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. And even the toughest characters I have played could never measure up to the real power in this universe.

Communism

Early Communists

The very first Communists were early Slavic tribes who owned so little they had to share everything. They were renowned warriors, whose battle tactics consisted of getting as drunk as mortally possible, then drink twice as much more and charge at the enemy wielding a hammer in one hand and a sickle in the other. Even in these early times they were called the Red Army for their red faces (esp. noses). A Communist Warrior was terrible to behold in battle, bashing, slicing, and breathing alcoholic fumes at his enemies. Mortally wounded, he would merely fall asleep at the field of battle, only to wake up the next morning with regenerated limbs, healed wounds and a severe headache.

Pictured: Victreebel.

Computers

JPEG

Because JPEGs are more heavily compressed than other image formats, their information is more volatile and likely to expand at high speed through an unchecked buffer, poorly allocated resource or any other available system space. I'd guess you're probably losing image data through one of these means.

You see, when you load a JPEG into memory, the EXtra colour Information Format (EXIF) header is loaded into RAM in order to prepare the video prebuffer for the incoming high-speed flow of colour information from the uncorked JPEG. If your bus isn't ready for this information, the rapidly decompressing file information can flow through other parts of your system.

Ordinarily this isn't a problem: as a matter of fact, JPEG was designed for this sort of thing. Older computers couldn't handle the explosive power behind the fledgeling image decompression algorithm, so rather than fight it, image experts invented the Jampacked Picture Extraction and Gathering (JPEG) protocol. They cleverly decided to allow the image data to spray wherever it would, knowing that after the extraction phase would send raw data all over the inside of the computer, the gathering phase would locate it all and reassemble it into an image. With the advent of faster computers the delay between spray and collection is so small as to be unnoticeable, while newer and bigger video cards are more capable of withstanding the onslaught of colours.

Still, the primary weakness of this algorithm is the haphazard placement of decompressed data. There's just too much of it to channel through normal means, so any loss of data containment results in corrupted images. In your case, it would appear that you're losing image data through the empty hole where your goddamned shift key should be.

My Mac sucks

I don't want to start a holy war here, but what is the deal with you Mac fanatics? I've been sitting here at my freelance gig in front of a Mac (a 8600/300 w/64 Megs of RAM) for about 20 minutes now while it attempts to copy a 17 Meg file from one folder on the hard drive to another folder. 20 minutes. At home, on my Pentium Pro 200 running NT 4, which by all standards should be a lot slower than this Mac, the same operation would take about 2 minutes. If that.

In addition, during this file transfer, Netscape will not work. And everything else has ground to a halt. Even BBEdit Lite is straining to keep up as I type this.

I won't bore you with the laundry list of other problems that I've encountered while working on various Macs, but suffice it to say there have been many, not the least of which is I've never seen a Mac that has run faster than its Wintel counterpart, despite the Macs' faster chip architecture. My 486/66 with 8 megs of ram runs faster than this 300 mhz machine at times. From a productivity standpoint, I don't get how people can claim that the Macintosh is a superior machine.

Mac addicts, flame me if you'd like, but I'd rather hear some intelligent reasons why anyone would choose to use a Mac over other faster, cheaper, more stable systems.

Perl

Perl is like being molested by your uncle. There's something off about him, but everyone regards him very highly, so you trust him, and then on a family camping trip out at Montauk Point he takes advantage of you. Years later, you accept and acknowledge what happened, but you still refuse to believe that he's scarred you, because that would put him in control, not you, and the last thing you want is a molester in control of your life -- but your denial doesn't make it the truth. You want to believe that deep down inside, Perl is a good person, and you see that Perl has very redeeming qualities, but you sit down to try and program Perl and all you can think of is that camel's hard, throbbing cock.

XBox vs. PC

PCs are for sad geeks who have no life.

Game consoles are for those who want to entertain themselves.

I once tried using a PC - it was an absolute nightmare! (those who create these various versions don't exactly make them for the novice; they wrongly assume EVERYONE is a Geek) And using it was WORSE!!! Besides, I've ALWAYS used XBox, and it's too late to teach this old dog new tricks. And when PCs become as easy to use as XBox, games are as easy to load into PC as it is for XBox, and there's Halo 2 ported to PC (or better still, XBox games are compatible with PC), THEN I'll use it And You PC-ers DARE to accuse Bill Gates of being the 'Antichrist'?! At least he makes his game consoles EASY to buy & use!!!

So, until then, I say:

GET THEE BEHIND ME, PC-SATAN!!!

Opera

This is a reply to off-topic opera promotion on 4Chan's /comp/ and /g/

Opera sucks sure there's an ebuild for opera but it just get dropped to /opt, it's statically linked, and it's CLOSED SOURCE, which means that it is a BINARY package.


See also

Cooking and Food

Cooking with Semen

Has anybody ever tried cooking with their own semen?

About a month ago I got adventurous and decided to fap into the frying pan, using my semen in place of little extra butter I usually put in the pan when I'm grilling grill'd cheese.

I didn't notice much difference in flavour when I tried it, although it definitely didn't taste any worse.

Last night, however, while in the process leading up to grilling two sandwiches for lunch for myself and my sick mother, I noticed my neighbour's 13 year old daughter changing in the yard next door (our window sort of faces out into the neighbour's yard, the suburban layout of our community is somewhat strange), presumably after getting out of the pool. I got the urge to fap and decided to encorporate it into my cooking again in secret.

My mother did seem to notice a difference in flavour for the better - I nonchalantly told her I used a different butter, which in it's essence wasn't entirely a lie, I just didn't specify it was my nut butter. I'm not about to outright lie to my mother.

I consider myself a respectable man of principles, you know.

NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY

OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T COOK THEIR OWN RICE

RICE COOKERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY.
-
OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T POP THEIR OWN POPCORN

POPCORN POPPERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY.
-
OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T BOIL THEIR OWN PASTA

PASTA COOKERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY.
-
OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T SEPARATE THEIR OWN EGGS

EGG SEPARATORS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY.
-
OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T MILL THEIR OWN GRAIN

GRAIN MILLERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY.
-
OMG WHO THE FUCK IS SO LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T PULL THEIR OWN NOODLES

PASTA ROLLERS DON'T SAVE YOU ANY TIME, FAG. YOU JUST WASTED YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. NOBODY SHOULD NEED A MACHINE TO DO SOMETHING SO EASY.

Copypastas about copypasta

Hand crafted

Original, hand-crafted copypasta; The perfect present for a wedding, christening, new baby, birthday, anniversary, retirement, mother’s day, thank you, school reunion - any occasion you can think of! Our copypastas are each individually handcrafted by a skilled and dedicated chef and guaranteed to be of the highest quality.

These beautiful and decorative copypastas are hand-crafted from crushed and powered words bound up with only the finest pasta. Every copypasta is completely hand made, from the basic raw materials through to the finished product every process is carried out by hand. The only exception is a cleaning and polishing process in which the copypasta is put through special machines. Even these machines have been developed for particular use in the preparation of the copypasta, for, although the copypasta is quite durable, fine details such as noses, horses ear's, swords, daggers and flag staffs could be snapped of if treated too roughly.

The National Association of Copypasta Chefs (NACC) is dedicated to protecting artists and crafters - their work, creativity and intellectual properties and marketing rights. I believe to keep the true work of the artist and copypasta chef alive we must act to promote and protect our art and craft.

A simple means to reduce the amount of copy pasta

I've figured out a simple means to reduce the amount of copy pasta on /b/. Just like 4chan scans for duplicate images, it can also scan for duplicated text. If you try to submit a post that contains 98% of the same text as some other post, then it can reject your post as copy pasta. This will force stupid 4channers to be more original.

This thread is so confusing.

This thread is so confusing. I don't even know what's real and what's copypasta anymore.

Have you ever read a post...

Have you ever read a post on /b/ and wondered whether or not it is copy pasta? It is almost as though half the posts are pasta. Maybe they all are. Maybe this one is. Maybe it is not. Maybe it will become pasta at some point in time. Maybe it will be pasta'd over and over in this very thread. Maybe more threads will be made filled with this post. Although I fear it, I wouldn't doubt it.

Properly doing copypasta

The thing is, people don't realize the work that goes into properly doing copypasta. They think copypasta is something that slackers can do, or faggots, or assholes. It's not true. Copypasta is a dying artform and if you don't see that, I don't know what's wrong with you.

First of all, you sacrifice spending real time on /b/. You can't participate as much as you'd like to because you're so busy doing copypasta that you can't. As a result, you miss a lot of really great threads. Still, it's a sacrifice, so you do it.

There's also the problem of "Flood detected". This message can really hurt your progress. You should try to get your copypasta into every active thread and if you have to sit there waiting before the flood period is over, you lose valuable time. This is also very difficult.

Also, picking which threads should get a copypasta first are sort of difficult. There are threads that don't stay on the first page for very long, so you may be missing some of the more prominent threads. Of course, you should try to hit them all, but for the desire effect, you need to get into bigger threads quickly.

Finally, there's the moral problem. One thing about copypasta is that sometimes it feels good, but sometimes it feels bad.

BTW, this wasn't a copypasta, I just typed it out.

Cracky-chan

Thank you 4chan. Image:Legendary_icon.gif

Thank you 4chan.
Today morning my parents had a call. The girl you know as "Cracky-chan' wanted to kill herself and is in hospital now. She will die in one or two days.
FUCK YOU ALL for this I knew her FOR REAL over years. I was never so sad in my life before. Guys do you not realise that this is for real? Thats not fun in the realtity a REAL person DIE because of 4chan.
I hope so all 4chan assholes burn in hell for ever. Thank you 4chan for killing one of my friends. I think this will bring consequences to 4chan.
This is my wish.

"Have you ever done anal?"

It has been two months since I have found out about Cracky-chan's AIM sn. Don't ask me how I did that, some things are better left untold. Anyway, we got in contact, or rather: I contacted her and she responded. I tried to be all cool and hurrhurr-in-cheek with her (if you know what I mean) but of course she saw through my act from the start.

You can fool every other idiot on /b/ but you cannot fool Cracky-chan, especially not when face to face (or should I say: P2P?). I am sure in the few days that we were chatting for hours and hours she got a real good idea of who I really was.

So one day while I was babbling away, trying to make myself look like the best thing since sliced bread served with roast beef by talking about "those fucking furries" and "that one new program I installed recently", she interrupted me by saying: "Have you ever done anal?"

I was kinda put off and shocked at first. I am not going to tell you her real age but a young girl approaching me like that just shocked me for a second or two. Then I regained my cool and answered that yes, me and my ex-gf tried it once but she didn't like that so that had been the end of that. What came next had me baffled again: "Want to try again?"

me: try again? you mean you and me?
her: no, you and your mom
me: lol what
me: so you really mean you and me?
me: hello?
her: yes, you and me, dumbass
me: you're saying you'd let me do you up the ass?
her: more like you will let me do you up the ass
her: i already got the lube and the strap-on, you just gotta haul your ass over here

It's hard to make a decision when you're having a massive hard-on without knowing what to do with it at first. So I want to say that it wasn't really my decision when I packed my bit of shit together and hopped into the next train. I pretty much knew from the moment when I said "okay" (although I don't really remember that moment) that I was completely hers. Trapped in a web of, yes, retarded internet lust. I'll be the first to admit it. But I am sure most of you would have done the same.

I've been living with her the last few weeks now. Sometimes we're sleeping in her bed together but most of the time she makes me sleep on the floor. The house itself is pretty big. Her parents aren't there. I don't know where they are and I have never asked about them. A lot of other people are coming and going, though. Some are staying for a few days, vanish and come again later. Some of them even post on /b/, but I won't disclose their identities. I wouldn't want to make myself unwelcome here. I want to stay close to Cracky-chan. I know she doesn't want me to get too close to her, but I don't care as long as she legs me follow her for a walk outside (the snow is so nice) and as long s I can spread my ass cheeks for her to invade me.

I feel happy. Some of you may think that I am a sad sod, that I am crazy for having let go of my appartment, my cheap job, my so-called friends. I am with Cracky-chan and that is all that matters to me. And when she holds me by the waist and furiously thrusts that big black one into my bowels, I simply cannot ask for anything more on earth.

D

Desu, reverse

nsəp

Dearba /b/

Dearba /b/ba:

Iba, likeba manyba ofba youba, sufferba fromba problemsba. Myba problemsba don'tba involveba anyba ofba yourba implausibleba onesba, butba mineba areba worthba voicingba toba youba inba hopeba ofba gettingba someba adviceba.

Anywaysba, Iba beganba toba watchba Azumangaba Daiohba aboutba aba monthba agoba, andba asba Iba doveba deeperba andba deeperba intoba theba seriesba, theba moreba andba moreba Iba fappedba toba hentaiba ofba itba. Iba continuedba toba doba soba untilba theba lastba episodeba.

Thenba Iba watchedba theba seriesba againba...andba againba... andba againba... Iba foundba myselfba checkingba outba Osakaba everyba onba-screenba momentba sheba hadba. Iba beganba toba stopba goingba toba myba regularba sitesba justba toba lookba atba hentaiba ofba oneba personba: Osakaba.

Iba eventuallyba hadba 1000sba ofba picturesba andba someba doujinsba ofba Osakaba. Iba beganba toba spendba whatba othersba calledba absurdba amountsba ofba moneyba onba merchandiseba, andba myba apartmentba isba coatedba withba Osakaba everywhereba.

I'veba shutba myselfba offba fromba familyba andba friendsba andba feltba anba urgeba toba justba snuggleba withba myba Osakaba dollsba. Osakaba isba allba Iba needba. Sheba probablyba wouldn'tba likeba theba wayba myba familyba isba orba howba myba friendsba behaveba.

I'mba inba loveba withba Osakaba. Iba keepba prayingba thatba she'llba comeba toba seeba meba oneba dayba andba decideba toba liveba withba meba. Iba haveba nothingba leftba toba liveba forba butba Osakaba. Iba knowba sheba canba hearba meba, soba Iba alwaysba talkba toba herba tellingba herba toba comeba andba visitba meba soba ourba unionba canba takeba placeba.

Soba thisba isba whereba youba guysba comeba intoba theba pictureba. Helpba meba moveba inba withba myba auntieba andba uncleba inba Bel-airba. Iba whistledba forba aba cabba andba whenba itba cameba nearba, theba liscenseba plateba saidba freshba andba itba hadba diceba inba theba mirrorba! Ifba anythingba Iba couldba tellba thisba cabba wasba rareba, butba nahba forgetba itba, yoba homesba toba Bel-airba!.Iba pulledba upba toba aba houseba aroundba sevenba orba eightba, yelledba toba theba cabbieba, yoba homesba, smellba yaba laterba! Lookedba atba myba kingdomba, Iba wasba finallyba thereba, toba settleba myba throneba asba theba princeba ofba bel-airba. sup /b/

Dear iiChan

I live in a small town in Kansas. I've always been the artsy type..painting, photography...while most other guys around here were more jocky. Tons of guys joined the millitary after high school and now almost all of them are in Iraq. They send letters home saying how proud they are of their wives and how it must be hard for them to deal with their husbands being away.

Well do you know how they deal with it?

They fuck me.

Thats right. While you are away getting your ass hot off I'm shooting myself off in your wifes ass. Thank God for George Bush. I have about 4 wives I'm currently fucking because of his great leadership. I voted republican this year and then promptly went to a shipped off wives's home and came in her mouth.

DEATH TO ALL JAPANESE WORDS

I'm gonna go down to the [vinegared rice topped with raw fish] bar and have some [rice wine]. Afterwards maybe I'll do some [singing along to instrumental versions of popular songs]. I can't stay out too late though, because I have a [empty handed martial arts] lesson in the morning. Maybe later I'll play some [Clump of Souls] on PS2. The Prince sure loves rolling that [clump] around. In the end, I'll probably just end up posting some [perverted fan comics] on the [perversion] board of Four Channel.

Don't say another Goddamn word

Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say ANYTHING else - ONE word - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the Master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this Fear Engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming -as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of NOTHING will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark world will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth.

Desu ASCII

DESUDESUDESUDESU████████████ESU██████UDE███ DESUDESUD█████████████DESU███UD███DESUDE█████ DES███████████U██SUDESU███UDE██DESUDESUDE██████ ██████DESUDESUDESUDESUD█SUDESUDESUDESUDESUDES███ █████DESU█████SUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESU█████ESUDESU ███E█UDE█UD████SUDESUDESUDESUDESUD██UDE███ESU███ ███UDESU█E█U███DESUDESUDESUDESUDES█D██████UDE███ ████SUDES████DEDSUDESUDESUDESDESUDE██DES█DES████ █████ESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESU████ ███████ESUDESUDESUDESUDES█DESUDESUDESUDESU██SUDE DESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUE█SUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESU SUDESU██SUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESU███UDE DESUDE████SUDESUDESUDES███ESUDESUDESUDES██████ES SUDESU████████ESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDE████████SUDES DESUDE███████████SUDESUDESUDESU████████████DESUD

E

Emo MySpace Guy

I'm very sad with my life, /b/. It's because I want a girlfriend.

I try to get together on girls on MySpace, but it always ended up to fail, and backstab me RIGHT IN THE HEART. And these girls would say stuff like, "Leave me alone", "I'm calling the police if you stalk me on MySpace one more time..", or "Ew, you're so emo. Get away from me, freak, I already have a boyfriend."

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, /B/. I WANT A GIRL WHO LOVES AND UNDERSTANDS ME SO FUCKING MUCH AND I CAN'T FIND HER. So that's why I'm looking around for other places.

By the way, this is me in the pic. The scar is from the pain I suffered.

Bel Air

I'm very sad with my life, /b/. It's because I want a girlfriend.

I try to get together on girls on MySpace, but it always ended up to fail, and backstab me RIGHT IN THE HEART. And these girls would say stuff like, "Leave me alone", "I'm calling the police if you stalk me on MySpace one more time..", or "Ew, you're so emo. Get away from me, freak, I already have a boyfriend."

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, /B/. I WANT A GIRL WHO LOVES AND UNDERSTANDS ME SO FUCKING MUCH AND I CAN'T FIND HER. So that's why I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I can say this cab is rare But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

By the way, this is me in the pic. The scar is from the pain I suffered.

Dexter's Secret

I'm very sad with my life, /b/. It's because I want a COOKIE.

I try to get together on girls on MySpace, but it always ended up to THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES, I want a girlfriend, I want a girlfriend, I want a girlfriend, girlfriend, YUP, YUP, ARE YOU SNEAKING UP ON ME?! Get away from me, freak, YOU ARE A STUPID GIRL. GET OUT, freak, I already have A SECRET. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, /B/. IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, /B/. WORMS AND PLASTIC MINNOWS. A BLOCK OF CHEESE. DEXTER'S SECRET DEXTER'S SECRET DEXTER'S SECRET DEXTER'S SECRET DEXTER'S SECRET...

Emo Myspace Guy's Reply

Random board,

This is really me, Ryan, aka "Emo Myspace Guy" to some of you guys, and I just want to say whoever made that discussion board of me going all emo can DIE. The fucker has no right to make fun of my scar, it was a journey to hell and back from what I had to go through to live. Not only that, but I am NOT desperate for a girl. I don't need a girl at all.

And this is me in the picture, I took down the pictures of me shirtless because of you fuckers.


Fuck you, 4chan. kthxbai

Ryan Shoemaker

End of Evangelion

>>493771 the end of eva sucked so much i mwan they set up a badass show down sinje (i know that his name is misspelled) power dubled from the loss of misote and ascoka Vs 9 or so M.P.E. hat come back after you kill them but no they star the 3rd inpact ever bady dies and then senjie and askuke came back and the little dicj head tres to kill the hatest gril in the show what the fuck man

F

Fanart

Dude, someone seriously needs to learn how to fucking draw. That arm is the size of her waist, and her vagina looks like a flapping.. something. WTF?

First gay experience

A man standing off the side of the path

Well my first gay experience happened like this:

I was about 50 yards or so up this path when I noticed a man standing off the side of the path apparently staring into the woods. As I got closer I realized his pants were down around his ankles and I could see his ass. Now, I'm straight but I have to say that it was a really nicely shaped ass for a man and I took notice. I figured maybe he was drunk and just peeing in the bushes, so I started to walk quieter so I wouldn't disturb him. But as I got closer I started hearing strange grunts and sucking sounds. I realized there was another man blowing him.

Now, I'm not gay but I slowed my pace down to watch. I slowed and approached the standing man from behind. His friend didn't take any notice as his eyes were tightly closed. I came right up behind the man standing so that I could have reached out and touched him. That's when I brought the cinder block down on his head, hard. He collapsed on top of his faggot friend and I quickly finished them both off. I rolled them into the bushes and finished my walk. That was only my first of many such gay encounters.


When I was 12 - it's nothing I'm proud of and I still regret to this day

Actually, it's nothing I'm proud of and I still regret to this day. But I digress.

When I was 12, I told some of my friends that I thought I was gay. My one friend, Jessica, knew this gay 15 year old guy and showed him my picture. He thought I was cute. We talked for not even two days, and the next day, he came over. He started feeling my dick through my pants, and I felt his. I pulled down his pants, and he had this huge 9 inch boner. I sucked him off, then we did some jacking off to eachother. He did me up the ass for a bit. It REALLY hurt. I couldn't walk right for a few days, and it bled. Then we just jacked eachother off until we came.

I felt so bad after that. Mainly because I find sex a mutual thing that you should do in a relationship.

My one and only boyfriend dumped me for a girl he could show off to his friends

Dear /b/, Thats right. I admit it. I'm gay. I'm queer. I love the taste of another man's seed in my mouth and the feel of it shooting up my ass. Yeah. Deal with it. I now admit this cuz my one and only boyfriend dumped me for a girl he could show off to his friends. After I did so much for him! I've taken him in my mouth and ass so much I could have had 100 baybies if I was a girl. He said he loved me, but when the cance came he ran. I'm lonely /b/. And the only way to get over stuff like this is to fill the void with porn. Help me /b/.

FLCL

ha ha, i watch flcl too. it's so underground. i thought i was the only one. we can die together.

Fleshlights

It's not the Fleshlight's fault

It's not the Fleshlight's fault, really. Just the fact that trying to use the one I ordered for my 34th birthday has rammed home the basic fact that I am a loser and that I am never going to get laid in my life.

I am apparently both too small and too big to use the Fleshlight. Small in the PENIS and big in the grossly overweight stomach. The result is that I apparently can't get very deep into the thing and experience the ribbing and other textures.

I ordered four inserts at once, three supertights with the three sorts of textures -- wave, ribbed, bumped -- and one ultratight. With all of them I have been having an incredible struggle to find a comfortable position to get in with my enormous stomach to allow for using the thing long enough to get off. I apparently developed a way to masturbate by hand that deluded myself into thinking I was normal. I am obviously not. I can only seem to go about an inch and a half into this Fleshlight before my fat gets in the way and the smallness of my PENIS defeat the purpose. The incredible depression of the experience makes it hard for me to stay erect as the whole time I am thinking about what a deformed, out-of-shape loser I am, so I end up only half hard or less.

Today is my 34th birthday. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, due to being a shy fatass with an ugly skin condition that I was afraid of having anyone see by taking my clothes off. I am so incredibly fucking lonely and depressed. I just want to be able to hug a woman, to hold her in my arms. Sex is frankly secondary to me, which is lucky given that I haven't had any except with my own hand.

I bought this thing thinking I would treat myself and make myself happier, but it has just driven home how fucked I am. I guess my only hope at this point is to find a woman who doesn't mind me only using oral sex on her because my PENIS obviously doesn't work very well.

Fresh Prince

Origin

The Original Fresh Prince image
The Original Fresh Prince image

To the right is the original image posted on 4chan, from which it quickly spread. I didn't know it would become a meme--I am sorry.

The lyrics

Now, this is a story all about how My life got flipped--turned upside down And I'd like to take a minute Just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised On the playground was where I spent most of my days Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school When a couple of guys Who were up to no good Startin makin trouble in my neighborhood I got in one lil fight and my mom got scared She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.'

I begged and pleaded with her day after day But she packed my suite case and send me on my way She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket. I put my walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.

First class, yo this is bad Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass? Is this what the people of Bel-Air Live like? Hmmmmm this might be alright.

But wait I hear they're prissy, bourgeois and all that Is this the type of place that they send this cool cat? I don't think so I'll see when I get there I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well, ah, the plane landed and when I came out There was a dude looked like a cop standin' there with my name out I ain't trying to get arrested yet I just got here I sprang with the quickness like lightening, disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I can say that this cab was rare But I thought 'Man forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel-Air' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo holmes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air

Fresh Pirate

Now here be a tale, all about how me life got flipped, turned upside-down, And I'd like to take a minute, So just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the pirate of a port called Bel-Air. In West Philadelphia, born and raised, On the shipyard is where I spent most of me days Chillin out, maxin', relaxin' all cool, And all shootin some cannons outside of the galleon When a couple of Brits, who were up to some good, Started shippin' gold in me neighborhood, I got in one little battle and me captain got scared He said 'You're movin with your first mate and cabin boy in Bel-Air!' I whistled for a dingy and when it came near The side said 'S.S. Fresh' And it had dice in the mast! If anything I could say that this dingy was rare But I thought 'Yarr, forget it - Yo, mate to Bel-Air!' I pulled up to the port about seven or eight, I yelled to the captain 'Yo mate, smell thee later!' Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there To sit on me throne as the pirate of Bel-Air!

Fresh Pirate Bel-Aired

Now here be a tale, all about how me life got flipped, turned upside-down, And I'd like to take a minute, So just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the pirate of a port called Bel-Air. In West Philadelphia, born and raised, On the shipyard is where I spent most of me days Chillin out, maxin', relaxin' all cool, And all shootin some cannons outside of the galleon When a couple of Brits, who were up to some good, Started shippin' gold in me neighborhood, I got in one little battle and me captain got scared He said 'You're movin with your first mate and cabin boy in Bel-Air!' I whistled for a dingy and when it came near The side said 'S.S. Fresh' And it had dice in the mast! If anything I could say that this dingy was rare But I thought 'Yarr, forget it - Yo, mate to Bel-Air!' I pulled up to the port about seven or eight, I yelled to the captain 'You're movin with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air!' I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said 'Fresh' And it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought 'Nah, forget it - Yo, home to Bel-Air!' I pulled up to the house about seven or eight, I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo home, smell ya later!' Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air!

Fresh WWII

In Western Europe born and raised, At the theater room where I spent most of my days, Planning plotting and acting all cool, Shooting some traitors to instill loyalty true, When a couple of Allies were up to no good, Started running forces through our neck of the woods, We lost a couple of little fights and my generals got scared, They said "You're moving with your cabinet to the bunkers down there"

I waited for my escort and when they came near, The jeeps had troops and guns in the rear, If anything I thought this protection was rare, But I said "Nah forget it, yo home to down there!"

I pulled up to the elevator at about seven or eight, And yelled to the guys "Yo troops, your medals come later" I looked at my bunker, I was finally there, To settle my defeat as I breathed in stale air.

Fresh Parents

FUCK YOU /B/, I TRIED TO EXPLAIN /B/ TO MY PARENTS, SO I LOAD UP 4CHAN, TELL THEM 'OK, YOU'LL SEE SOME DISGUSTING STUFF, I GUARANTEE IT'

AND THERE'S FUCKING CP ON THE FIRST FUCKING PAGE.

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU AS LONG AS I LIVE AND SHE SAID, "you're movin with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I WHISTLED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR THE LICENSE PLATE SAID "FRESH" AND IT HAD DICE IN THE MIRROR. IF ANYTHING I COULD SAY THIS CAB WAS RARE BUT I THOUGHT "NAH FORGET IT... YO HOLMES TO BEL AIR!" I PULLED UP TO THE HOUSE ABOUT 7 OR 8 AND I YELLED TO THE CABBY "YO HOLMES SMELL YOU LATER!" I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM I WAS FINALLY THERE TO SIT ON THE THRONE AS THE PRINCE OF BEL AIR."

fuckers.

Whoever reported me??

Thank you, whoever reported me. Now PayPal is threatening to close the account Because I seem to be holding a lottery. Never have I seen so many ingrates. Not that you have to give me money, just so many people taking 4chan for granted and not even trying to understand a absolutely wacky situation. That whole post was for a loan of sorts and trying to possibly get rid of $500 in merchandise I'd otherwise sell for a pittance to someone who doesn't care. Oh well. Anyway, here is my address again. If you want the PayPal one, you'll have to move in with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. You have to whistle for a cab and when it comes near the license plate will say fresh FRESH and there'll be dice in the mirror. If anything you could say the cab is rare but yu'll think "Nah forget it... Yo homes to Bel-Air!" You'll pull up to the house about 7 or 8 and yell to cabby "Yo Holmes Smell you later!" Then look at your kingdom your was finally there! Now sit on your throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.

thats it!

that's it

I thought the CP faggotry would end, but I am now posting an e-mail to the local police office, hopefully they will contact doug

I hope that doug realises that he has to remove the pedo shit out of /b/, or /b/ won't exist anymore. I like /b/, and SAID, "you're movin with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said FRESH and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say this cab was rare but I thought "Nah forget it... Yo homes to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to cabby "Yo Holmes Smell you later!" I looked at my kingdom I was finally there to sit on the throne as the Prince of Bel-Air."

Double batch of copy pasta

Now, this is a story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I liked to take a minute Just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised On the playground was where I spent most of my days Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school When a couple of guys Who were up to no good Startin makin trouble in my neighborhood I got in one lil fight and my mom got scared She said "I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest.

"How?" you ask. Well apparently there are a select few contexts within which such an action is acceptable. For instance, if your niece has a hacking cough and your sister asks you to "put some of this on her" while she calls the doctor.

"Putting some of this on hear" meant using my bare hands to rub this vapor ointment shit all over her BARE NAKED CHEST. My heartbeat is still all erratic from it. I had a boner the size of manhattan the entire time. She's sleeping now and I guess she feels better because she stopped coughing.

Details: She's about 5 feet tall, has long brown hair, a cute face, a thin waist and long skinny legs. She's in jammies I think because although I'm pretty shaken up right now I know I unbuttoned something before I went at it.

God I feel so great. I just rubbed my hands lal over her FUCKING TITS, you guys. Well the puffy parts of her chest anyway. Her nipples got hard. I just about wept tears of joy.

I didn't do anything else because I'm a coward and rubbing was enough. Plus it was legal and I didn't technically do anything wrong, so I'm in the clear.

I'd write more but I seriously have to go fap while the memory is fresh in my head."

wow

Yeah, i went from EVE to WoW.

The thing is, EVE lacks so much content. Yeah, its fun to the newbie zone and pod people with a single torpedo. But advancing just takes so much longer to do, and its not fun. Its not fun to travel 15 jumps just to get ganked by pirates. Then you lose your ship, need to make more money, bla bla bla. Whenever i tried to mine in some of the safer zones there was always 4 or 5 strip miners there. You run over to within a Kilometer of the astroid when they pop, and then some uber miner drains it in one hit from like 100 miles away.

Another thing that disappointed me is that you couldnt get near to planets, or land on them. I tried to whistle for a cab and when it came near The license plate said "Fresh", and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought man forget it yo homes to Bel-Air I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'yo homes smell ya later' Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air

Fresh Evangelion

Now this is the story all about how All life got flipped, turned upside down I'd like to take a minute for what it's worth I'll tell you how I became queen of the death and rebirth

In Nerv's lab born and raised Experiments are how I spent most of my days Being cloned, synchronizing, piloting, all cool And all taking a dip in Nerv's indoor pool

When a couple of Angels who were taller than a tree Started making trouble in Tokyo-dash-three I got in one little injury and Gendo got scared and said "We're gonna send Shinji Ikari out there!"


[Next verses are only on the full version, which was played only in the first three episodes of season one of "Shin Seki Fresh Queen of Death and Rebirth"]


We fought in many battles through many days But Shinji pussed out and he went off on his way He went to the train and he displayed his ticket He put his walkman on and said "I should have been hit!"

Then he comes back, yo what a fag! Just because of Misato, that stupid hag Is this what the second children ought to act like? Hmmm, this ain't quite right!

But wait, I hear the Seele, compilation and all that Is that the kind of end in store for this cool cat? I don't think so, nor does the third I hope they're prepared for the death and rebirth

Well, I was cloned again and when I came out There was dude looked like an Angel standing there with my name out I ain't the same as you, Kaworu, the fifth child So I knew that things were about to get wild



I whistled for Gendo and when he came near His hand was labeled "ADAM" and I pulled it in here I fused and grew huge, quite an increase in girth But I said "Aww forget it, time for death and rebirth!"

I pulled up to the lab around seven or eight And I yelled to the people "Yo homes, here is Rei!" But I took Shinji and sent him back to earth And so now I'm the queen of the death and rebirth

Fresh Jesus

Now, this is a story all about how My body got nailed up to a cross And I liked to take a minute heres how begins I'll tell you how I died for all your mortal sins

In west Bethlehem I was born and raised In Nazareth was where I spent most of my days Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool And all makin some wood cups, wowin' some fools When a couple of Romans Who were up to no good Said I wasnt behavin; in the way that I should I had one last supper and my men drank wine I said eat my body drink my blood and Ill be fine

I was nailed a cross and when death came nearer The light shown brightly and I saw a little clearer If anything I could say that the roman wins But I thought now forget it, Ill die for your sins

They. pulled. me to my grave about seven or eight And I rose from my tomb yo, home smell you later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To settle in heaven and listen to prayer

Loli Graduation

Not copypasta. I just didn't really have an appropriate image. I had to come and tell you guys this. Well, after the fapping.

Right, so, my brother is about eight years younger than me. Tonight he graduated from elementary school. I ended going along, partly because my brother's an okay guy and partly because my parents dragged me. So I got there, and the first thing I saw was that there were all these lolis. And the thing about elementary school grad lolis is that they like to think they're grown up. So, of course, they were all dressed really slutty. That was probably the third reason I stayed. Awesome smooth backs and delicious flat chests.

So the entire night was like slutty lolis on parade. But then, near the end of the ceremony, this one loli, who was trying not to look slutty and so was wearing a dress that went down to her feet (but strapless, so she still failed at the not slutty look) goes up. She walked across the stage and got her diploma, and then she headed for the stairs down. Then, right as she got there, she stepped on the bottom of her skirt. I could tell right away it was going to go. She slipped forward and tried to grab it, but by then it was over her delicious flat chest and about to go the whole way. To top it off, she was stumbling toward the stairs. She was about to fall and my mom got scared, she said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in bel Air." I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, The license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, But I thought "Nah forget it, Yo home to Bel Air." I pulled up to the house about seven or eight, and I yelled to the cabby "Yo holmes, smell ya later." Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

Proper English

To begin, this is a tale of how my very existence was twisted and transformed in a most peculiar way. Please have a seat, for I wish to take a moment to relate to you the fascinating odyssey which ultimately led to my reign as the Prince of Bel-Air. I was sired and reared in West Philadelphia. As a lad, most of my time was spent at the neighborhood recreation center where I would laze about and relax in a most charming manner - that is, when I was not engaging my chums in a friendly game of basketball at the schoolhouse. Around this time, two young hooligans had begun to stage a campaign of vandalism and intimidation in my neighborhood. When my mother discovered I had had a bit of an altercation with the ruffians, she insisted I leave town at once and take up lodgings with my aunt and uncle in Bel-Air. As the taxi approached, heeding my beckoning whistle, I could discern the word "FRESH" emblazoned upon its license plate, and took particular note of the pair of plush novelty dice which hung from the rear-view mirror. I was a bit taken aback by these strange omens, but quickly put them out of my mind as I cheerfully called to the driver: "To Bel-Air, my good man!" We arrived safely in Bel-Air at dusk, and as the driver came to a stop in front of the house where I was to live, I left him with the words: "Farewell, sir. Perhaps my nostrils shall delight in your aroma once more!" To be sure, it was a long journey, and as I gazed upon my estate in all its splendor, I knew once and for all that my rightful place was on the throne - as the young scion of the great and mighty kingdom of Bel-Air!

Steve Irwin

In West Australia, born and raised. In the ocean, there I spent most of my days. Chillin out, maxin; relaxin all cool, stroking some stingrays inside the pool. When a couple of crocs who were up to no good, started making trouble in Australia Zoo. So I got one little bite, and Terri got scared. "you're moving with your aunt and uncle in Bel Air" I whistled for a boat and when it came near, the licence plate said fresh and had dice in the mirror. If anything, I'd say that this boat was rare, but forget it, yo captain to Bel Air. I pulled up to the sting ray about seven or eight and I yelled to the captain yo holmes smell ya later. Looked at the sting ray my heart it did puncture i sit on my grave as the crocodile hunter


Good Night, Fresh Prince

Actor/Musician Will Smith, Dead At 37 Monday, June 26th, 2006 Posted: 4:42 PM EST (16:42 GMT)

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (AP) -- Will Smith, the famous actor and musican, has died late Sunday night in his home town of Philadelphia.

Smith, 37, was killed in a car accident late in the evening. Smith was stuck by a taxi cab while speaking with his wife Jada Pinkett Smith, the cab was speeding and came onto the sidewalk striking Smith and throwing him face first against the windshield. Smith was killed instantly.

One eyewitness who will remain nameless stated "The last thing he saw was the dice on the mirror".

"This is a long sad day for us." Wayne Phillips Philadelphia chief of police said.

Will Smith was the second of four children of Caroline and Willard Smith Sr. He grew up in middle class West Philadelphia and got the nickname 'Prince' because of the way he could charm his way out of trouble. Pursuing music, he met Jeff Townes at a party and they soon began performing together as DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. After his music sales stated to slide Will began an acting career on the hit TV Show "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Will basically played himself; a street-smart West Philly kid transplanted to Beverly Hills. The series lasted 6 years. During that time, he ventured into movies where the critics took note of him. In 1996 he had a huge hit with the Blockbuster Independence Day where he played the alien-battling Marine Corps Captain Steven Hiller.

The accident was a hit and run and the perpetrator is still at large. According to eyewitnesses the license plate on the vehicle said "FRESH"

Phillips said "It's a really sad moment for us."

Fried Pig Pussy

Mmmmmm... Fried pig pussy! Once you eat one of these pig pussy pork rinds, you'll never eat another.. human pussy again. But FUCK human pussy! I fuck dead pigs. You'll read all about it in heartburn how I fuck them dead pigs before I turn em into pork rinds!

I couldn't get no twat from serenity back then. She only wanted dildos in her pussy twat. Big phony bologna dicks. But now she wants this real cock. Come here serenity lets show these assholes how we fuck. Lets show these assholes how we fuck. My sweet sweet serenity.

Fuck an umbilical cord out of your phony asshole, and I'll hang a pig with it, while I impregnate you with my 80 year old pork rind dick. You'll give birth to a dead pig and we'll cut him into pork rinds.

All in pork rinds of god. In a land that speaks only with its eyes. No language, no dildos, no fucking laws! Where the whores can't sell their pussy. Or use their twats to gold dig. A land where us warriors run free with our big dicks out, and our fucking hair wild.

Eat pork rinds, eat dead pigs. Eat pork rinds, eat dead pigs. Eat pork rinds, eat dead pigs. Salt their dead skin and put em in plastic bags. Fuck you, you fucking, farting robots. Suck my dead pig. Suck my dead pig!

Furries

Yes, I am a fox Image:Legendary_icon.gif

Yes, I am a fox. So? I dont see any problem. I embraced my animal soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute b/w wolf!). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the fandom and I am pretty slim and good looking.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid anime shit while I have SEX with my boyfriend.

Yes, I am a fox spoofs

Brahm Tribute

Yes, I am football. So? I dont see any problem. I embraced my stadium soul long ago and I am happy together with my "dirty" explosive devices (which are useless w/o trucks!). We have a fucking lot of games in and outside of open areas and I am pretty fatal and other fatalities will later occur as result from radioactive fallout.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid cnn while I go KILL 100,000 from the initial blasts.

Itty Bitty Boat

Yes. I am an itty bitty baby. So? I don't see any problem. I learned to habeeb it a long time ago and am happy with my boyfriend (who is a cute I/B boat btw). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the twinkie house. But thanks anway asshole. Go ahead and not believe it while I have sex with my DAD!

Communist

Yes, I hate America. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my communist soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute freedom fighter!). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the country and I am pretty smart and well-mannered.

But thanks anyway, asshole. Go and post your stupid flames while I support the revolution with my boyfriend.

Liquid

Yes, I got all of the Old Man's dominant genes. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my dominant genes long ago and I am happy with my genotype (that is a Deoxyribonucleic acid strip!). You have a fucking lot of recessive genes in and outside of each of your chromosomes and you are a fag.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and infiltrate your stupid Shadow Moses while I RECONSTRUCT Outer Heaven.

Nebula

Yes, I am a nebula. So? I don't see the problem. I learned to embrace my inter-galactic gases long ago and am happy with my boy friend (Who isn't a cute b/r quazar btw). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the universe and I'm pretty gasy and shiney. But thanks anyway asshole. Have fun with your puny solar system while I create new stars with my QUAZAR!!

Pedophile

Yes, I am a pedophile. So? I dont see any problem. I embraced my childlover soul long ago and I am happy together with my girlfriend (who is a cute 6 y/o loli!). We fuck a lot of her friends with and without their consent and I am pretty slim and good looking. But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid porn with grown women in it while I have SEX with my underaged girlfriend.

Gentoo

Yes, I use Gentoo. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my Gentoo distro long ago and I am happy together with my workstation (that is a stage 1 box!). I have a fucking lot of ebuilds in and outside of portage and my CFLAGS are pretty optimized and solid.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and use your stupid Debian while I EMERGE new ebuilds.

Bix Nood

Yes, I am a bix nood. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my ebony soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute nigra!). We have a fucking lot of gangs in and outside of the fandom and I am pretty slim and good looking.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid white shit while I have SEX with my boyfriend.

Republican

Yes, I am a Republican. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my lack of a soul long ago and I am happy together with my money (which has bought me lots of hookers!). We have a fucking lot of confidants in and outside of the Congress and I am pretty fat and balding.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and pursue your stupid liberal shit while I have SEX with my blow-up doll.

Mushroom

Yes, I am a mushroom. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my fungal soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute b/w lichen!). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the fandom and I am pretty slim and good looking.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid anime shit while I have SEX with my boyfriend.

Space Marine

Yes I'm a space marine, so? I don't see any problem. I embraced my imperial soul long ago and am very happy with my immortal carrion lord (Who's a cute b/w corpse), we have many friends inside and outside of the Imperium and am pretty armoured and tough-looking.

But thanks anyway asshole, enjoy your heresy while I DO GLORIOUS BATTLE with my god-emperor.

Sandwich

Yes, I am a ham sandwich. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my whole wheat soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute pastrami on rye!). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the foodom and I am pretty low fat and good looking.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid anime shit while I spread mustard on my boyfriend.

Catholic

Yes, I am a christian. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my jesus-loving soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute b/w priest!). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the church and I am pretty slim and good looking young man.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and believe in your stupid "fact" shit while I have SEX with my minister.

Button

Yes, I am a button. So? I dont see any problem. I embraced my interruptor-soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute on/off switch!). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the circuit and I am pretty red and good designed.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and have your stupid short-circuits while I have CONTACT with my boyfriend.

C Compiler

Yes. I'm a C programmer. So? I don't see a problem. I embraced my UNIX soul long ago and I am happy together with my compiler (who is a cute layered front/backend design!). We have a fucking lot of functions in and outside of the kernel and I am pretty compact and resource conserving.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and beat off to your stupid garbage collection shit while I #INCLUDE <stdio.h> with my preprocessor.

Stormtrooper

Yes, I am a stormtrooper. So? I don't see any problem. I embraced my Imperial soul long ago and I am happy working with my commanding officer (who is a cute 1st lieutenant.) We have a lot of friends in and outside of the Empire and I am pretty slim and good looking, for a clone.

But thanks anyway, Rebel trash. Go and watch your stupid resistance shit while I have TRAINING EXERCISES with my officer.

Ringer box

Yes, I am a Western Electric Type 315H ringer box. So? I dont see any problem. I embraced my obsolete telephonic technology soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute b/w Northern Electric bell box, type N-43-AB, with 2.5K ohm ringer!) We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the telephone system and I am pretty slim and good looking.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid anime shit while I RING MY BELLS with my boyfriend.

Gorn

Yes, I am a gorn. So? I dont see any problem. I embraced my warlike reptilian soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute b/w raptor!). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the Federation and I am pretty slim and good looking.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid anime shit while I disembowel mammals with my boyfriend.

Weeaboo

Yes, I am a weeaboo. So? I dont see any problem. I embraced my japanese soul long ago and I am happy together with my real doll (who is a cute 8yo loli!). We don't any friends in and outside of the fandom and I am pretty fat and ugly looking.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and have sex with your girlfriend while I'll fap to my anime porn.

Sophisticated gentleman

Indeed it is true, I identify closely with small omnivorous canids. I see no problem with this inclination, do you? I long ago embraced the rust-colored spirit within me and have found much comfort and delight in my dear male friend, who is himself a lovely member of the family canis lupus. The two of us enjoy many acquaintances within and without the close-knit community of animal friendship and I consider myself to be extremely attractive.

Consider your advances spurned, cretin. Immerse yourself in moving pictures from the Orient while I take my leave to indulge in CARNAL PLEASURES with my gentleman caller.

Eagerfox

Here we go again, another fucking dickhead trying to tell me how to live my life. This babyfur_watch asshole on here, commenting on my LJ telling me that im making a big mistake by throwing away my college education just to, quote, "Roll around in crapped diapers and meddling in cheap and petty BDSM fetishes." Who the fuck do you think you are saying this shit, i swear to the fuckin heavens above if i knew where you were, i would come over, break my foot off in your ass and slice your damn throat. I have enough crap coming from my dad and grandmother about the way im living my life, so i dont need to hear it from some fucking scumbag like you. There are two things you do not fuck with when it comes to me, my friends and my lifestyle. You screw with either one of those things and you're gonna have one pissed off fox on your ass. Just becuase im a babyfur doesnt mean that i dont have a dark side, i will go medevil on you if you provoke me. I'm getting fuckin sick and tired of these fuckers thinking that since we're babyfurs that they can push us around and redicule us and not have us fight back. Most, if not all of us babyfurs get pissed off if an outsider decides to fuck with us. You may not like the fact that we are babyfurs, but you will fucking respect it, that's all we ask anyways. Everyone has their fetishes, and ours just happens to be wearing and using diapers, sucking on pacifiers and bottles, wearing baby clothes and acting like baby's. We aint hurtin no one by doing this, but there are some that are making it seem that way, which is complete and udder bullshit. As far as the BDSM stuff go, so what, i wanna be owned by someone and dommed by them, big deal. Keep your fucking comments to yourself if all they're gonna do is gonna piss off whoever your sending it to. Use common since you stupid pricks...oh wait, you dont have any!

Eagerfox spoofs

Itty Bitty Baby

Here we go again, another fucking dickhead trying to tell me how to habeeb it. This ittybittybaby_watch asshole on here, commenting on my LJ telling me that im making a big mistake by throwing away my college education just to, quote, "Don't believe it" Who the fuck do you think you are saying this shit, i swear to the fuckin heavens above if i knew where you were, i would come over and punch you in the face. I have enough crap coming from my cute dad about the way im living my life, so i dont need to hear it from some fucking itty bitty boat like you. There are two things you do not fuck with when it comes to me, my itty bitty baby and my twinkie house. You screw with either one of those things and you're gonna have one pissed off itty bitty baby on your ass. Just becuase im an itty bitty baby doesnt mean that i dont have a twinkie house, i will go medevil on you if you provoke me. I'm getting fuckin sick and tired of these fuckers thinking that since we're itty bitty babies that they can push us around and habeeb us and not have us fight back. Most, if not all of us itty bitty babies get pissed off if an outsider decides to fuck with us. You may not like the fact that we are itty bitty babies, but you will fucking respect it, that's all we ask anyways. Everyone has their fetishes, and ours just happens to be not believing it. We aint hurtin no one by doing this, but there are some that are making it seem that way, which is complete and udder bullshit. As far as the habeebing it stuff goes, so what, i wanna not believe it, big deal. Keep your fucking comments to yourself if all they're gonna do is gonna piss off whoever your sending it to. Use common since you stupid pricks...oh wait, you dont have any!

Tony, Age 20

I've been a Furry for 10 years now and want to stop. The problem is that the group of furs that I hang out with don't like me now and if I took my fursuit off, they would probably beat me up and kill me. My last boyfriend (a cute b/w wolf) gave me herpes on my ass and now I have a hard time taking a shit. Sometimes I have to take an Ex-lax so my shit will come out easy.

I've never had sex with a girl, because I don't know how to pick them up. That's why I turned Furry. But now I'm just tired of guys ripping my ass when they don't use lubrication. I've had to get stitches three times. I went out with a fox last night who said he only gives, he doesn't receive, so I had to suck his dick and he made me swallow or he would kick my ass.

- Tony, Age 20, Austin, Texas

G

George Zimmer Image:Legendary_icon.gif

About the George Zimmer copypasta

Zimmer - 9/11

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGANTUAN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR BELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULINARY EXERCISE, I MEANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VITAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACKSIDE OF A WOMAN WHICH I WOULD STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY ENORMOUS PHALLUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A STARVED DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SIGHT THAT AWAITED BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN'S" RAISIN-SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT AND PENETRATED HIS ESOPHAGUS, RIPPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPSE FROM MY MONEYMAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LESSON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHOM'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD), WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECAUSE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 767 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERRORIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY LAST DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - 311

I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MY SECRETARY, FOLLOWING A BARBARIC BEAVER BEATING THAT SLOUGHED OFF HER UTERINE LINING MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN HER OWN MENSTRUAL CYCLE, INFORMED ME THAT MY TWO LEAST FAVORITE ARTISTS, 311 AND SCOTT STAPP, WERE RECENTLY INVOLVED IN A SCUFFLE. HISTORICALLY A MEDIATOR, I FLEW IN MY LEARJET TO MEET THE TWO BANDS. THE TWO GROUPS WERE WHINING LIKE ANNA NICOLE SMITH AFTER INHERITANCE MONEY UNTIL I PREPPED THE MEMBERS OF 311 FOR THE IMPENDING IMPALEMENT WITH A COMPREHENSIVE COATING OF NUT NECTAR, GLUING THEM TO THE GROUND. AFTER SUSTAINING A BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA TO THE HEAD FROM MY CROTCH CRUSHING CONCUSSION CANE, STAPP WAS TAKEN 'HIGHER' THAN EVER BEFORE AS HE WAS BOUNCED LIKE A BABY UPON THE Z-MAN'S TWO-TON TROUSER-SCHNAUZER, WHILE THE 311 MEMBERS WERE HELD CAPTIVE BY THEIR OWN ASSHOLES LIKE BOWLING BALLS. THE FORCE FROM MY CULVERT-SIZED COCK SPLITTING STAPP APART WAS ENOUGH TO CAUSE HIM TO DEVELOP DUAL PERSONALITY DISORDER. AS STAPP PROCEEDED TO BLEED TO DEATH, MY STEADFAST SLUT-SPEARING SON-SIRING SKINFLUTE BURST THROUGH THE LEAD SINGER'S BVD'S, CAUSING HIM TO BREAK OUT INTO A RAPE-INSPIRED RENDITION OF 'COME ORIGINAL'. I COULD ONLY INTERPRET HIS SINGING TO INDICATE IT WAS TIME TO FINISH UP, SO I BURIED THE ALT-ROCK GREAT IN A GOOEY GRAVE OF GONAD GOULASH. MY GROIN YETI IS NOW THE SIXTH MEMBER OF 311, I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - At the movies

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE SURREPTITIOUSLY PLUNGING MY ROSY-CHEEKED CYCLOPEAN ALLY INTO THE ANAL CAVITY OF A YOUNG MIGRANT FARM WORKER OF INDETERMINATE GENDER IN THE FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER, THE POOR YOUTH SCREAMED FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT, FINALLY COUGHING UP A LOAD OF 100% PURE ZIMMER SAUCE AND PASSING OUT. THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS, ANGRY AT THE INTERRUPTION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, BEGAN PELTING ME WITH DRINKS, FOOD, AND PHONE NUMBERS HASTILY WRITTEN ON NAPKINS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT WAS RUINED IN THE PROCESS. I NONCHALANTLY PULLED THE UNCONSCIOUS YOUTH OFF MY ENORMOUS EYEBALL GOUGER AND STRIPPED NUDE. THEN, WITH A BESTIAL ROAR, I BEAT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO DEATH--WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRONT ROW. ON MY WAY OUT, IN THE CUSTOM OF THE ZIMMER FAMILY, I GAVE THEM A BURIAL AT SEMEN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - /b/

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. I HAVE BECOME AWARE THAT YOU /B/TARDS HAVE BEEN SOILING MY GRACIOUS NAME ON THE INTERNET AND ATTEMPTING TO TARNISH MY STREET REP WITH YOUR FALSITIES AND ACCUSSATIONS THAT I AM NOT THE REAL DEAL. CLEARLY THERE IS SOME CONFUSION HERE. YOU /B/TARDS TREAD DANGEROUS GROUND IN YOUR ATTEMPT TO DECLARE ME AND MY GARGANTUAN GRAVY GEYSER A FRAUD. CLEARLY, YOU ARE VICTIM OF YOUR OWN RUSE HERE, CHARLATANS. MY THROAT RENDING MAN-TRUNCHEON WILL HEAR NO MORE OF YOUR LIES. ONE COULD CALL YOUR ACTIONS HERE HERESY, BECAUSE AS ANY /B/TARD KNOWS, MY ASS SHATTERING MAN SHUTTLE RIVALS, NO, SURPASSES THE MIGHT OF THE GODS THEMSELVES. JESUS DID NOT DIE BY CRUCIFIXION, HE WAS DRIVEN UNDER BY AN ONSLAUGHT OF MY SUFFOCATING SACK SAUCE. SO DRAW YOUR WEAPONS AND MAKE YOURSELF HEARD, AND PREPARE YOURSELF TO PERISH IN THE CHAOS OF A MANCANO ERUPTION THAT KNOWS NO EQUAL. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer Bomb Threat

HI. I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON NOVEMBER 1ST, MY HE-SPEWING MAN VOLCANO WILL SIMULTANEOUSLY SLATHER TEN MAJOR CITIES AROUND THE WORLD WITH THICK, CALLOUS SPOOGE. NOT A SINGLE SOUL IN ANY OF THOSE CITIES WILL BE SPARED FROM MY GOD-KILLING GREAT HUNK OF MAN-MEAT. WHEN THE MEDIA ARRIVES TO VIEW MY SPERM-SOAKED DISASTER, THE SPERM WILL ATTACK AND DESTROY THEM ON LIVE TV. EACH SPERM BEING THE SIZE OF A FULL GROWN GERMAN SHEPHERD. WHEN THE WORD GETS OUT TO THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT MY VAST CUM-FLUTE IS ON THE LOOSE AGAIN, HAVOC WILL ENSUE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Cohabitation partner

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE LATE EVENING, AS I WAS YODELING INTO THE CAVERNOUS COOCH OF MY COHABITATION PARTNER, I HAD A BRIGHT IDEA - TO STROKE MY MASSIVE MANLY MEATSICLE OVER THE BURNING FORESTS OF YELLOWSTONE. FIRE SUPPRESANT MAY NOT STOP THE RAGING FLAMES, BUT MY COLLOSAL COCK CONGLOMERATE WOULD. DOUSING THE FLAMES IN GEORGE'S JOCKSTRAP JUICE WOULD CAUSE THE FLAMES TO IMMEDIATELY EXTINGUISH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT TREES AND SLICK SACK SAUCE WITHIN THE PINES. WHILE WOODLAND ANIMALS WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE TORRENTIAL RAINS OF MY SUPER SPOOGE SYRUP, THE FOREST RANGERS, IF FEMALE, WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATIVE. I GUARANTEE IT

Zimmer - Chinese Girl

HI. I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, THE FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I RECENTLY WAS TRAVELLING ABROAD IN CHINA, SEEKING TO PERHAPS SELL THE ONCOMING TIDE OF CHINESE BUSINESSMEN THE ABSOLUTE FINEST THAT THE WEST CAN OFFER THEM, APPEASING THE RED DRAGON. WHILE ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF HUNAN PROVINCE, I NOTICED A PORCELIN SKINNED, BEAUTY OF A GIRL, FESTOONED IN HUMBLE PEASANT GARB AND WORKING MENIAL JOBS. RIGHT THEN I DECIDED THAT I WOULD GRANT HER A RERPREIVE SHE COULD NEVER FORGET. AT ONCE I LOOSED MY THUNDEROUS LABIA LATHE, AND USING MY IMMENSE GROINAL DEXTERITY, TORE HER GARMENTS OFF. THEN I PENETRATED HER TIGHT, VIRGIN, FUCKSLOT. THEN, AFTER A FEW HOURS OF THRUSTING, SHE ORGASMED SO HARD THAT THE DRY CAKED EARTH OF HER FATHER'S FARM SPRANG INTO BLOOM. THE MAN IN QUESTION RUSHED OUT AND STARTED SCREAMING AT ME IN HIS HEATHEN DEVIL TONGUE. I LOOSED A BLAST FROM MY STUPENDUS SCHTUPPER, SO MASSIVE IN VOLUME, THAT MY HOT PREGNANCY-INDUCING CHOWDER SHOT OUT OF THE GIRL'S MOUTH AND HIT HER FATHER SO HARD, HIS DESSICATED BODY SHATTERED AGAINST THE GREAT WALL SO HARD THAT PEOPLE IN NEW YORK SHAT THEMSELVES. I GUARANTEE IT

Zimmer - Chuck Norris

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D BEEN HEARING ALOT LATELY ABOUT THE MERITS OF THIS CHUCK NORRIS FELLOW, SO I THOUGHT I'D PAY HIM A VISIT- ZIMMER STYLE. AS I APPROACHED HIS HOUSE, I HEARD A TWIG SNAP BEHIND ME AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE CAME THE LEG OF THE ONE AND ONLY CHUCK NORRIS. LUCKILY MY REFLEXES WERE TOO FAST FOR HIM. MY MASSIVE MASCULINE MEAT-PIPE BURST FORTH FROM MY FINELY-TAILORED TROUSERS, ENSNARING HIS LEG WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND ANACONDAS. HIS ONCE POWERFUL INSTRUMENT OF DEATH THUSLY DESTROYED, HE WAS COMPLETELY POWERLESS. I DECIDED THAT THAT UGLY MUG OF HIS WAS NOT UP TO ZIMMER STANDARDS, SO I DETERMINED TO DELIVER A MAKEOVER HE WOULDN'T SOON FORGET. HE BEGAN TO CRY LIKE A KITTEN UNDER A STEAMROLLER AS MY PULSATING PELVIC PILEDRIVER DELIVERED BLOW AFTER BLOW TO HIS EVER-SOFTENING SKULL. AS I FINISHED OFF MY FLESH-SCULPTURE, I REALIZED THAT I HAD FORMED HIS HEAD INTO THE SHAPE OF DEVIL'S TOWER. THE SHOCK CAUSED ME TO LET FORTH A FLOOD OF CAUSTIC COD CREME THAT BURNED OFF THAT RIDICULOUS STUBBLE HE CALLS A BEARD. HE'S UNCONCIOUS NOW, BUT HE'LL SOON WAKE UP. HE'S GONNA LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Decrepit Old Grandmother

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THIS MORNING I MADE A VISIT TO YOUR DECREPIT OLD GRANDMOTHER AT THE RETIREMENT HOME - I COULD SMELL HER EXCITEMENT AT MY ARRIVAL EMENATING FROM HER DEPENDS FROM HALFWAY DOWN THE HALL. I WIPED THE SHIT OFF THAT WRINKLY ASS WITH THE CHRISTMAS CARD YOU SENT HER BEFORE I IMPLANTED MY SEXUAL SQUID THREE FEET UP HER COLON. HER WHEELCHAIR COLLAPSED UNDER THE RELENTLESS POUNDING OF MY POWERFUL ANAL INTRUDER. SHE CLIMAXED WITH SUCH FEROCITY THAT MRS. PETERSON THREE DOORS DOWN WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST AND OLD MAN JENKINS CAME OUT OF HIS COMA. SHE LAPPED UP THE REMNANTS OF MY BOYBUTTER OFF THE LINOLEUM AND USED IT TO TAKE A WEEK'S WORTH OF MEDS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Bel Air

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE

NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN’T RESIST MY PLOW AND I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MY KIT YOU’LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS…I GUARANTEE IT

IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED POLISHING MY PISTOL’S HOW I SPENT MY DAYS FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE, SAID, “I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE”. SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS AND REALIZED, “I SHOULD MAKE MEN’S SUITS IN TEXAS”.

I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID “OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR”. SAID I TO THE CABBIE “I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!” SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZEABLE SCHLONG IT VERILY WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN’T QUIT AND THAT’S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED, “I GUARANTEE IT!”

I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK OF WOMEN AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT AND THAT’S HOW I CAME TO SAY, “I GUARANTEE IT”.

Zimmer - Eric Bauman

HELLO, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. JUST NOW, A MENTALLY INSANE MAN NAMED ERIC BAUMAN STOLE A SUIT FROM MY STORE AND CLAIMED IT WAS HIS. IN NO TIME, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND. THE LOOK OF FRIGHT IN HIS EYES CAUSED MY LOVE MACHINE TO TINGLE, AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAY STREWN ABOUT MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FREIGHT TRAIN. THE LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEARFUL EYES AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE WILL CAUSE ME RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY A YEAR TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE TRIED TO RUN BUT IT WAS FUTILE AS HE GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSAL COCK CANNON CRASHING ACROSS HIS CRANIUM, KNOCKING HIM ACROSS THE FLOOR, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CRASHING HIM AGAINST THE WALL, WHERE I STOOD OVER HIM RELEASING A MULTITUDE OF MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP FROM MY PULSATING POWER PACKED PUBIC FLESHMEAT FLOODED THE STORE AND SEVERAL NEARBY STREETS, INJURING HUNDREDS AS THEY TRIED TO FLEE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Lucious looking Lady person

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WAREHOUSE. RECENTLY, I WAS APPROACHED BY QUITE A LUCIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER BINDING BUST FIGURE IMMEDIATLY FORCED MY TWITCHING GARGANTUAN MAN CANNON TO RAPIDLY EXPAND TO DIVINE ELEPHANTINE DIMENSIONS. THE LADY IN QUESTION, WHO'S BEAUTY WAS ONLY MATCHED BY THAT OF MY COLLOSSAL DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL, WAS ASTOUNDED AND THUS PROCEEDED TO STARE INTENTLY AT MY INTENSIFYINGLY TITANTIC LUST LOG OF INFINITE SEXUAL DESIRE AS IT OBILTERATED MY FINE UNDERWEAR AND TROUSERS CUNNINGLY CONSTRUCTED BY MY DIGNIFIED CHAIN OF RETAILERS. SHE WAS SO FLABBERGASTED AT THE SHEER SIZE AND GRANDEUR OF MY MAGNIFICENT AND IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER BATON THAT I UNDRESSED HER FINE SKIRT AND UNDERWEAR GARMENTS WITH MY PSYCOKINETIC EYES AND SLAMMED MY GIANT OMINOUS VEINY WHALE INTO THE CREVACE OF HER ORIFICE AND DISCHARGED AN ARMY OF MINITURE DAPPER ALBINO BOSNIANS TO COAT THE INSIDES OF HER ANAL CAVITY WITH ONLY THE FINEST SMELLING ZIMMER PROTEIN PACKED PENILE PRODUCE. ONCE I HAD FINISHED WITH THE PUPPYLIKE WHORE, I STAMPED MY NOW ALMOST FLACID STOPCOCK OF JOY AGAINST THE GROUND AND CHARGED INTO THE NIGHT SKY WITH THE ROCKET FUEL OF A THOUSAND GODS TO CONTINUE MY CRUSADES OF MEAT CLOBBERIN'. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Policewoman

HELLO, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND C.E.O. OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. AS BEFITS ANY MAN OF MY SENSATIONALLY STUPENDOUS STATURE, I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF BRUSHES WITH THE LAW. I RECALL ONE AUSPICIOUS AUTUMN AFTERNOON I WAS LEAVING THE SCENE OF YET ANOTHER OF MY RIDICULOUSLY RAPTUROUS RAPE RUNS AT THE LOCAL CONVENT WHEN I WAS ACCOSTED BY A POSITIVELY PULSE-POUNDINGLY PRECOCIOUS POLICEWOMAN. ONE LOOK AT THE BUSTY BADGE-BRANDISHING BEAUTY HAD MY CONSUMMATELY COLLOSAL CROTCH CANNON THUMPING AGAINST MY PANT LEG FOR RELEASE. A TWITCH OF THE WRIST, AND MY MONSTROUSLY MIGHTY, MAGESTICALLY MANED LOIN LION ROARED FORTH AND DROVE DEEP PAST THE LUSCIOUSLY LASCIVIOUS LAW-LADY'S LABIA. AS SHE SQUIRMED AND SWAYED AT THE SOUL-SPEARING SENSATION THAT IS THE SPIRITUAL SEXPERIENCE OF ZIMMER, MY SOFA-SIZED SWEATY SEXUAL SWASHBUCKLER SPOUTED A SINFULLY SUCCULENT SPRAY OF SENSATIONALLY SLOPPY, SWEET-SMELLING SPERM SAUCE. I'VE NEVER PAID A PARKING TICKET SINCE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Your Mom, on a midsummer's eve

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. CECIL, YOUR TECHNIQUES SUCKS WORSE THAN MONICA LEWINSKY HOPPED UP ON BILL CLINTON'S COCK ON A BAD DAY. I WOULD ADMIT THAT I PLUNGED MY IMMENSE PEVLIC REDWOOD INTO THOSE HOT, DRIPPING ORIFICES ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. SORT OF LIKE THE NIGHT I HAD WITH YOUR MOTHER ON A MIDSUMMER'S EVE. SHE WAS ASTOUNDED WHEN I WHIPPED OUT MY LUMBERING MAN-MEAT AND MADE MY WAY WITH HER WHILE I RECITED TO HER PORTIONS OF DANTE'S INFERNO IN LATIN. SHE SCREAMED SO LOUD, IT CAUSED THE NEIGHBORS TO ORGASM. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Your Sister, at last week's luncheon

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I RECIEVED YOUR MEMO CONCERNING LAST WEEKS LUNCHEON, AND I MUST SAY I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF. YOUR SISTER, WHO APPARENTLY DECIDED TO ATTEND THE PARTY WEARING A STUNNING SILK DRESS, GAVE MY GARGANTUAL ENORMOUS PULSATING COLUMN OF FLESH NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO EXTEND AND ERECT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL, THE SIZE OF WHICH I CAN HARDLY EXPRESS IN WORDS. AT THE SIGHT OF MY IMMENSE MEAT HAMMER, I FOUND YOUR SISTER BEGGING AND MOANING, ON HER KNEES, FOR JUST ONE TASTE OF MY ZIMMER SPECIAL. THE RESULT WAS INEVITABLE; YOUR SISTER WAS INSTANTLY BLOWN ACROSS THE ROOM AS MY COLOSSAL HOSE EXPLODED IN A TORRENT OF MY DNA PUDDING. IT TOOK HER 2 HOURS TO REMOVE THE THICK LAYER OF MY SPECIAL NUT BATTER FROM HER FACE, AND EVEN THOUGH I STRONGLY DISCOURAGED IT, SHE DECIDED TO CONSUME THE ENTIRE QUANTITY OF MY HE-SALSA, THE VOLUME OF WHICH COULD EASILY FILL A INDUSTRIAL SIZED FUEL TANK. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Your Mom (again)

HI… I’M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. LAST NIGHT I UNSHEATHED MY MUNGO MAN SPOUT FROM MY JEANS AND FLOPPED IT DOWN IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER - YOUR SENILE DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOUR TAPPED AT HER CEILING BECAUSE OF THE CLAMOR. YOUR MOM WAS BARELY ABLE TO NIBBLE AT MY PLUMP, PRODIGIOUS MEMBER BEFORE I GRABBED IT LIKE A LASSO AND SMACKED HER ACROSS THE FACE SO HARD SHE FLEW, SPINNING, ONTO THE BED BENT OVER - AWAITING THE ADMISSION OF MY THROBBING ACREAGE OF FLESH. SHE COULD ONLY TAKE 30 SECONDS OF HALF MY SCROTAL CAMEL BEFORE SHE FAINTED. I FINISHED UP AND BESTOWED A STUNNING LIKENESS OF THE POPE ON HER BACK IN BABY SPACKLE. I USED HER TOOTH BRUSH AS TOILET PAPER AND LEFT A QUARTER ON HER ASS. SHE CALLED ME FOUR TIMES TODAY. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Colleague

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY, ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I WAS HOLDING A MEETING WITH MY COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS, EXPLAINING THE IMPORTANCE OF DEDICATION, AND QUALITY IN THE SALE OF OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUITS, WHEN I NOTICED ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD WAS, IN FACT, A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND FEMALE, HER BEAUTY MATCHED ONLY BY HER PROFESSIONAL MANNER AND ABSOLUTELY ELEGANT SUIT. THIS COMBINATION OF STIMULI GAVE MY MONOLITHIC CROTCH CANNON NO CHOICE BUT TO AUGMENT AND OBLITERATE MY PANTS. WITHIN MOMENTS MY MEMBER HAD DESOLATED THE BOARD ROOM, THE TABLE HAVING BEEN SMASHED UNDER THE SHEER GIRTH OF MY PELVIC PULVERISER, AND THE WOMAN IN QUESTION WAS IMPALED ON ITS GARGANTUAN TIP, HAVING THROWN HERSELF IN ITS APOCOLIPTIC PATH OF DESTRUCTION IN AN EFFORT NOT ONLY TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HER COLLEAGUES, BUT TO EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND THE QUASI-RELIGEOUS EXPERIENCE THAT IS ZIMMER. AS MY TROUSER TRUNCHEON EXPANDED, DEMOLISHING WALLS AND DISPATCHING THE INTERNS WHO ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR LIVES RATHER THAN THROW THEMSELVES AT THE MERCY OF MY THROBBING FLESH MISSLE. MOMENTS LATER MY PHALLUS HAD KNOCKED OUT MANY OF THE BUILDING'S SUPPORT BEAMS AND THE FLOORS OVERHEAD CRASHED DOWN, THE FORCE OF THEIR MOMENTUM CAUSING THE ENTIRE BUILDING ITSELF TO COLLAPSE IN A NIGHTMARISH MANNER NOT UNLIKE A FAMOUS DISASTER FROM A FEW YEARS AGO. RISING FROM THE RUBBLE, WITH THE STUNNING BOARD MEMBER STILL ON THE TIP OF MY GOD-SHLONG CRYING ALOUD FOR MERCY, HER SUIT AS WELL AS MINE UTTERLY RUINED BY THE AFFAIR, AS WELL AS A DOZEN OTHERS STILL CLINGING TO THE SHAFT. i LET OUT A THUNDERING ROAR AND LET SPEW FORTH MY SEED WITH SUCH AWE-INSPIRING FORCE THAT THE LOAD SHATTERED THE SOUND BARRIER, VAPOURIZING MY LUSTY ASSOCIATE, CRUSHING EVERYONE IN SIGHT AND SHATTERING EVERY WINDOW IN A 5-MILE RADIUS. IN THE AFTERMATH, STANDING NAKED AND COVERED IN CEMENT DUST, AND SMILING CONTENTLY AT THE DEMOLISHED, SEMEN-COVERED RUINS BEFORE ME, I SPOTTED A SMALL DOG, STUMBING IN THE DEBRIS, ITS EARS BLEEDING AND GASPING FOR BREATH IN THE HUMID MUSK. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WITH A LOUD THUD MY ELEPHANTINE MAN-HAMMER HAD CRUSHED THE ANIMAL LIKE A THICK, MEATY FLYSWATTER. I GUARANTEE IT

Zimmer - Miners

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THE TWELVE MINERS WERE ACTUALLY ALIVE. I WAS IN THE RESCUE PARTY EYEING A PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE WHEN WE FOUND THE GROUP. IN THE JOY OF UNCOVERING THESE COAL-CLAD MEN CLINGING TO LIFE, MY EXTRAVAGANTLY ENGORGED ENDOWMENT FREED ITSELF FROM ITS ENCLOSED ENVIRONMENT AND TORE THROUGH THE WOMAN'S CLOTHES, TAKING HER FOR A SURPRISE RIDE ON THE ZIMMER MINESHAFT DRILL. THE SHOCK AND AWE CAUSE BY MY MASSIVE MEMBER RENDERED THE REST OF THE RESCUERS UNABLE TO HELP THE SURVIVORS. SEEING THE WIDE EYES OF THE MINERS IN FRONT OF ME, I LET LOOSE A LEGENDARY LANDMINE OF LIQUID MAN-LATHER, EXPLODING SO POWERFULLY IT LACERATED THE BODY CAVITY OF MY FEMALE COMPANION, MIXING WITH HER BLOOD LIKE A STRAWBERRY CREAMSLUSH AS IT FILLED THE CAVERNOUS MINE AS IF IT WERE A GIGANTIC UTERUS. ONLY ONE OF THE MINERS HAD STRENGTH ENOUGH TO STAY ABOVE THE RISING WAVES OF MY CAVE CHOWDER, SWIMMING TO THE SURFACE WITH ME, THE OTHER RESCUERS, AND MY IMPALED COMPANION. I'M NOT SURE HOW HE SURVIVED, BUT I'LL FINISH HIM OFF WHEN I MAKE MY ROUNDS WITH THE NURSES TONIGHT. I GUARANTEE IT.


Zimmer - Airplane

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON MY RETURN FLIGHT HOME FROM MADRID ON HOLIDAY, I WAS AGHAST TO LEARN THAT THE AIRLINE PATRON SEATED IN FRONT OF ME HAD BECOME OVERLY INDULGENT IN THE COMPLIMENTARY SPIRITS OFFERED BY THE FLIGHT CREW. HIS UNRULY BEHAVIOR TOWARDS THE OTHER PASSENGERS WARRANTED A SWIFT AND RATHER UNSOLICITED EXERSIZE SESSION OF HIS VULNERABLE ANAL CAVITY. STANDING TO SPEAK HARSHLY TO THE MAN, MY WONDERFULLY WICKED WOMAN WOOING WONDER WIENER FELL TO THE FLOOR OF THE AIRCRAFT WITH A TERRIFFIC THUD FROM THE BERMUDA SHORTS THAT HAD SOMEHOW CONTAINED IT PREVIOUSLY. HIS SCREAMING PLEAS FOR MERCY AND FORGIVENESS ECHOED IN THE OTHERWISE SILENT CABIN, AND I SUSPECT THEY WILL RING FOREVER IN THE EARS OF THOSE WHO BORE WITNESS TO THE DRAMA AND FERVOR WITH WHICH MY GREATLY-GIRTHED GATLING GONADS PIERCED BOTH HIS HERSHEY HIGHWAY AND THE SANCTITY OF HIS VERY SOUL IN UNISON. UPON SATISFACTION OF MY LESSON HAVING BEEN TAUGHT, I RELEASED ONTO MY ADMIRING ONLOOKERS A TORRENTIAL TESTICULAR TSUNAMI THAT MADE UNWILLING MEMBERS OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB OUT OF EVERY PERSON ON BOARD FLIGHT 606 TO NEW YORK CITY. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Your daughters

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. AS I WAS BROWSING THE MAJESTICALLY ANONYMOUSLY SHITPILE THAT IS /B/, I NOTICED THEY WERE GEARING UP FOR SOMETHING KNOWN AS THE ALL9S GET AND 10M GET. FIGURING THEY WERE NEARING SOME SORT OF WORLDWIDE INTERNET MILESTONE, I PROMPTLY BEGAN POSTING LEGENDARY COPY PASTA ABOUT MYSELF THROTTLING RANDOM FEMALES OF ALL AGES WITH MY MAMMOTH SPERM CANNON. OF COURSE, I REALIZED AT THAT TIME THAT IT WOULD TAKE BOTH GETS TO CONTAIN SUCH AWESOMENESS, SO I WENT BACK TO SIMULTANEOUSLY PELVIC PUMPING YOUR LASCIVIOUS LOLITA-NYMPHOMANIAC OF AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, OUT OF HER MOUTH AND INTO THE SLIPPERY WET LOVE TUNNEL OF YOUR OLDER, MORE DEVELOPED THIRTEEN YEAR OLD, ORGASMING THEM BOTH FAR BEYOND ANYTHING YOU AND YOUR NOW DEAD WIFE EVER EXPERIENCED TOGETHER. THEY WILL HAVE THE HONOR OF BEARING MY HEIRS FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Legendary, Epic, etc.

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGANTUAN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR BELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULINARY EXERCISE, I MEANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VITAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACKSIDE OF A WOMAN WHICH I WOULD STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY ENORMOUS PHALLUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A STARVED DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SIGHT THAT AWAITED BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN'S" RAISIN-SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT AND PENETRATED HIS ESOPHAGUS, RIPPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPSE FROM MY MONEYMAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LESSON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHOM'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD), WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECAUSE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 767 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERRORIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY LAST DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. SUDDENLY, HE CRIED OUT, "WHAT'S THAT AMAZING SMELL?" THEN A GROSSLY OBESE NEGRO POPPED OUT FROM BEHIND THE BURNING, TWISTED WRECKAGE OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTERS AND QUIPPED, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINE-SOL!" DISPLEASED AT HER INTERRUPTION OF MY DEVASTATING SODOMY CONQUEST, YET SIMULTANEOUSLY ODDLY AROUSED BY A SUB-HUMANS DEFIANCE IN THE FACE OF MY TITANIC MEAT MONOLITH, I GRABBED THE NEGRESS BY HER ARMS AND INSERTED MY BATTLE CRUISER OF PASSION INTO THE ROILING WAVES OF FAT WHICH OBSCURED HER VAGINAL CLEFT. SHE SCREAMED INDECHIPHERABLY IN EBONICS, SO TO SHUT HER UP I POURED ALL THE CONTENTS OF THE PINE-SOL BOTTLE DOWN HER THROAT. UNFORTUNATELY, THE CHEMICALS IN THE LIQUID COMBINED WITH MY UNEARTHLY SUPER-SEMEN TO FORM A HIGHLY UNSTABLE AND EXPLOSIVE MIXTURE OF PURE POWER. JUST BEFORE THE FAT NEGRESS BLEW APART AS A RESULT OF THE INCREDIBLE CHEMICAL REACTION, MY MOTHER GOT SCARED AND SAID, "YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BEL-AIR." I WHISTLED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR, THE LICENSE PLATE SAID 'FRESH' AND IT HAD DICE IN THE MIRROR. IF ANYTHING I COULD SAY THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE, BUT I THOUGHT, 'NAH, FORGET IT, YOU HOLMES, TO BEL-AIR!" I PULLED UP TO THE HOUSE ABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT AND I YELLED TO THE CABBY, YO HOLMES, SMELL YA LATER!" I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM, I WAS FINALLY THERE, TO SIT ON MY THRONE AS THE PRINCE OF BEL-AIR. ONCE I ENTERED MY NEW, PALATIAL ABODE (ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, WORTHY OF MY INCALCULABLY HUGE MEAT MISSILE) I IMMEDIATELY SWEPT MY NEW FOSTER PARENTS ASIDE AND HEADED FOR THE ROOM OF THEIR YOUNG NIECE. YOU SEE, I JUST SPENT THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES RUBBING A TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL'S BARE CHEST. "HOW?" YOU ASK. WELL APPARENTLY THERE ARE A SELECT FEW CONTEXTS WITHIN WHICH SUCH AN ACTION IS ACCEPTABLE. FOR INSTANCE, IF YOUR NIECE HAS A HACKING COUGH AND YOUR SISTER ASKS YOU TO "PUT SOME OF THIS ON HER" WHILE SHE CALLS THE DOCTOR.

"PUTTING SOME OF THIS ON HEAR" MEANT USING MY BARE HANDS TO RUB THIS VAPOR OINTMENT SHIT ALL OVER HER BARE NAKED CHEST. MY HEARTBEAT IS STILL ALL ERRATIC FROM IT. I HAD A BONER THE SIZE OF MANHATTAN THE ENTIRE TIME. SHE'S SLEEPING NOW AND I GUESS SHE FEELS BETTER BECAUSE SHE STOPPED COUGHING.

DETAILS: SHE'S ABOUT 5 FEET TALL, HAS LONG BROWN HAIR, A CUTE FACE, A THIN WAIST AND LONG SKINNY LEGS. SHE'S IN JAMMIES I THINK BECAUSE ALTHOUGH I'M PRETTY SHAKEN UP RIGHT NOW I KNOW I UNBUTTONED SOMETHING BEFORE I WENT AT IT.

GOD I FEEL SO GREAT. I JUST RUBBED MY HANDS LAL OVER HER FUCKING TITS, YOU GUYS. WELL THE PUFFY PARTS OF HER CHEST ANYWAY. HER NIPPLES GOT HARD. I JUST ABOUT WEPT TEARS OF JOY. OBVIOUSLY, THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS IN THIS UNIVERSE WHICH CAN BRING ME TO SUCH A STATE, AND COMBINED WITH MY INCREDIBLE STATE OF AROUSAL, I WAS UNABLE TO HOLD BACK THE STORM BREWING IN MY COLOSSAL PUDDING BLASTER. MY STEAMING-HOT SILVER LAVA BLASTED OUT FURIOUSLY, INSTANTLY KILLING MY UNFORTUNATE YOUNG COUSIN AND REDUCING MY NEW HOME TO BLASTED BITS AND PIECES OF WOODEN DETRITUS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Spring

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. THAT’S A CUTE STORY, ROBOT GEORGE ZIMMER. BUT I CAN BEST YOU. MY MORTAL MAN MAYONNAISE MAKERS AND MY FLESHY FEMALE FANTASY FULFILLER ARE MORE THAN A MATCH FOR ANY MERE TECHNOLOGICAL TOY. IT WAS SIX MONTHS AGO, AND SPRING HAD COME EARLY. THE LADIES WERE OUT IN FORCE, HUSTLING TO AND FROM THEIR JOBS, OR JUST HAVING FUN IN THE CRISP FEBRUARY AIR. UNTIL I ARRIVED IN NYC, HAVING FLOWN IN ON MY PRIVATE JET. AS ALWAYS HAPPENS AT AIRPORTS, I HAD A LINE OF FLIGHT ATTENDANTS A HUNDRED YARDS LONG, BEGGING FOR A CHANCE TO RIDE MY TANTALIZING TESTICLE TERRIER. MY IN-FLIGHT NAP, ONLY INTERRUPTED BY MY SEXY ONBOARD STEWARDESSES SURREPTITIOUSLY SNEAKING SENSUOUS CARESSES OF MY STUNNINGLY SEXY SUIT AND SEXUALLY SOOTHING SEMEN ASSAILANT, HAD LEFT ME PREPARED TO PLEASE ALL OF THEM. WITH A FLASH, I WAS INSIDE THE FIRST FLIGHT ATTENDANT, PUMMELING HER PASSAGES WITH PELVIC PROWESS AS SHE SCREAMED IN JOY, SHOCKING MANY ERRANT TRAVELERS AS THE MERE SOUND OF MY EROTIC PILLAGING BROUGHT THEM TO A MASSIVE SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM. THREE HOURS LATER, I STRODE OUT OF THE AIRPORT WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE, THE ONLY ONE STILL CONSCIOUS. AND MY SUIT WAS STILL IMMACULATE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer- The Raven

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE.

ONCE UPON A MIDNIGHT DREARY, WHILE I PONDERED WEAK AND WEARY OVER MANY A QUAINT AND CURIOUS 4CHAN MOD'S WHORISH MOTHER WHILE I NODDED, NEARLY NAPPING, SUDDENLY THERE CAME A TAPPING AT MY FANTASTIC FERTILITY FRANKFURTER "TIS SOME WHORE," I MUTTERED, "RAPPING AT MY VEINY VENEREAL VIENNA WIENERSCHNITZEL. ONLY THIS AND NOTHING MORE."

AH, DISTINCTLY I REMEMBER, IT WAS IN THE BLEAK DECEMBER, AND CHILL HAD WITHERED MY OPULENT ORAL OPIATE UPON THE FLOOR. WITH A BLINK I LOOKED AND SHUDDERED, MY FOOT IN VIEW MY SIGHT UNCLUTTERED I SIGHED AND BEGAN TO VISUALLY EXPLORE THE AREA AROUND MY COMPUTER. AND I DISCOVERED SOMETHING MORE.

THE FOOT I SAW BELONGED TO ANOTHER, A VIXEN BORN OF SOMETHING OTHER THIS WAS NO 4CHANNER’S WHORISH MOTHER, BUT A VISION OF LUST AND ANAL PLUNDER A MIGHTY AMAZON, CLOTHES TORN ASUNDER AND PANTING MIGHTILY AT MY APPARENT FUROR HAVING SEEN MY LANGUID LADIES LUXURY LOVELINER AND NOTHING MORE.

MY NEED AWAKENED AS MY COMPUTER DESK WEAKENED AND CRACKED BENEATH MY BEWITCHING BEEF BICYCLE MUCH TO THE DELIGHT OF THIS WOMAN, CHRISTENED LENORE. I STOOD WITH DIFFICULTY IN THE WRECKAGE AND OFFERED TO MY LADY A PACKAGE A NIGHT OF UNENDING UNSTOPPABLE UNDULATING AND NOTHING MORE. WITH A NOD AND SAUCY GRIN THE PRINCESS OF THIS TALE BEGAN TO SLIDE THE TIP OF HEAVEN IN AND WHILE I OFFERED TO BE GENTLE, YOURS TRULY ISN’T SENTIMENTAL AND SO I RAMMED HER WITH MY FORCE DU JOUR-- A CARNAL CORINTHIAN COLUMN FORMED OF LUST AND WHORE. SHE CRIED IN ECSTASY, THEN WRITHED STILL MORE.

I REAMED HER ONCE INSIDE MY STUDY, AND THEN I BROUGHT HER TO A BEDROOM, WHERE I DELIGHTED HER WITH MY MIGHTY MAN MUSHROOM GALLANTLY GALLOPING THROUGH HER MUDDY ROAD TO BRING HER ORGASMS OF MAGNITUDE UNDISCOVERED AS SHE BEGGED FOR NOTHING BUT “MORE! MORE!”

AND SO WHEN MORNING ARRIVED AND ALTHOUGH SHE WAS FLUSTERED I ADDED AN ICING OF MY MAGNIFICENT MAN MUSTARD AND SHE SCREAMED MY NAME FOR NEARLY AN HOUR AS PASSIONS RAGED IN HER DELICATE FLOWER. SHE ASKED ME FOR MY NUMBER, AND PROMPTED ME TO GIVE IT. SO I TOLD HER TO VISIT THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE IN TUKTUT NUGAIT. “BABY, I’LL BE THERE,” I SAID, “I GUARANTEE IT.”

SIX MONTHS LATER, I SOLD HER FROZEN CORPSE TO THE CHINESE AS AN AUTHENTIC PRESERVED NATIVE AMERICAN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer- Nigger elves

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IN A HIGH MATRIARCHAL SOCIETY, I, WITH MY GARGANTUAN GORGON'S EYE, I WOULD RISE ABOVE THE SHACKLES OF INSUPERIORITY AND SET SUCH A BACKWARDS WORLD STRAIGHT. THE WOMEN WOULD RECOGNIZE ME AS A GOD AND OFFER SACRIFICES OF YOUNG VIRGINS TO SATE MY LUST. HOWEVER, AS THE GIRLS WOULD ONLY LAST SECONDS ON MY STUPENDOUSLY STOUT SPERM-SPITTING SPICHTER-SPLITTER, I WOULD THEN PROCEED TO CRUSH THE CITIES OF THESE PEOPLE ARMED ONLY WITH MY WOMAN PLOW OF DOOM, SENDING MANY A EAGER YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN TO THEIR MESSY, SPERM CLOGGED DEATHS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Tokyo

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON A RECENT BUSINESS TRIP TO TOKYO, I FOUND MYSELF IN A VIDEO ARCADE, WHERE ONE OF THE LOCAL TEENAGE BOYS WAS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY TINY TWAT TACKLE BY PLAYING "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF JIGGLY-CHESTED JAPANESE JAILBAIT. SCOFFING AT HIS SCANDALOUSLY SIMPLISTIC SKILLS, I PROCEDED TO LIBERATE MY TWITCHING TESTICULAR TRUNCHEON AND SWING ITS PRECIPITOUS POUNDAGE INTO THE YOUTH'S FACE, CRUSHING HIS SKULL AND FREEING THE MACHINE. I THEN ACHIEVED A RATING OF "AAA" ON THE SONG "MAX 300" USING ONLY THE RAPID RIPPLING OF MY RAUCOUSLY RIGID RAPEROD. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WET-PANTIED WOMANLY WATCHERS WERE ALREADY IN THE THROES OF PASSION FROM THE OVERPOWERING SCENT OF MY TORPID TESTOSTERONE TUBE, SO I LET THEM GATHER 'ROUND FOR A GROUP HUG OF THE GARGANTUAN GIRTH OF MY GORGEOUS GUY-GIRDER BEFORE CONQUERING EACH OF THEIR QUIXOTICALLY QUIVERING QUIMS WITH A FURIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FROTHING FUCK-FOAM. MY HIGH SCORE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Delicious Deluge of Dong Droppings

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WAREHOUSE. I AM IMPRESSED THAT SOMEONE SO OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF BIPEDAL MOVEMENT DUE TO THE ENORMOUS ROLLS OF FLESH SURROUNDING YOU IS CAPABLE OF TYPING AT ALL. I HAVE A SET OF TRIPLETS NIBBLING AT MY CARNAL CORNUCOPIA; WHEN I CLIMAX, A DELICIOUS DELUGE OF DONG DROPPINGS WILL BE FLUNG INTO LOW EARTH ORBIT. A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS HIGHLY TRAINED IN THE EROTIC ART OF ALIGNING MY RAPACIOUS RAPE ROCKET WILL ENSURE THAT THIS QUALITY QUIM-CAULK QUINTESSENCE RE-ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE AIMED EXACTLY AT YOUR ADMITTEDLY AMPLE FRAME. IF THE SIZZLING HEAT OF MY NIAGARA-LIKE TORRENT OF BOILING HOT FERTILITY FLUID DOESN’T KILL YOU, THE FACT YOU’LL BE TOO AROUSED TO DO MORE THAN INHALE IT DEEPLY WHILE TRYING VAINLY TO FIND A WAY TO REACH YOUR IMPRESSIVELY INSIGNIFICANT INCEST INCHWORM WILL. I GUARANTEE IT.

Zimmer - Moot/First Time On 4chan

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I WAS BROWSING THE INTERNET AFTER RAIDING YOUR MOTHERS CUNT WITH MY TREMENDOUS TWAT TUNNELER, WHEN I SAW 4CHAN FOR THE FIRST TIME. UPON ENTERING /B/, MY MASSIVE MANSNAKE TORE MY IMMACULATELY TAILORED TROUSERS, SMASHED MY COMPUTER MONITOR, AND BATHED THE REMAINS IN A STICKY SEA OF PLEASURE PETROL. INFURIATED, I USED MY TITANIC TICKLEROD TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR AND HUNTED DOWN YOUR LEADER, MOOT. I FOUND HIM DIVING WITH HIS FRIENDS, AND PLUNGED MY ASS-SEEKING MEATMISSLE INTO HIS UNSUSPECTING PROSTATE. HE THRASHED IN AGONY, THEN IN ECSTASY AS MY POWERFUL PYLON TORE HIS MORTAL BEING IN TWAIN, THEN HE DROWNED IN AN OCEAN OF SEMEN MIXED WITH HIS OWN BLOOD. OBVIOUSLY MISTAKING MY COLLOSAL CUM COLLUMN FOR A SEA ANIMAL, HIS 4CHAN BUDDIES WERE SO CONFUSED THAT THEY CAME BACK AND TOLD YOU RETARDS THAT MOOT WAS EATEN BY A SHARK. I GUARANTEE IT.


Zimmer - Death Star

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I KNOW MOST OF YOU PROBABLY ENJOY STAR WARS. WELL, SORRY TO SAY, IT WASN'T LUKE THAT BLEW UP THE DEATH STAR. IT WAS ME AND MY LENGTHY LENGERIE LIGHTSABER. SO I WAS FLYING AROUND IN MY X-WING, SKILLFULLY SHOOTING DOWN ENEMY TIE FIGHTERS, SLOWLY ENGORGING MY VEINY VAGINAL REAPER. EVENTUALLY, MY IMMENSE IMMEASUREABLE INPREGNATOR GREW TOO LARGE TO FIT IN MY SHIP, AND ME AND MY JABBA FLEW OUT INTO SPACE. AS HORNY AS A PEDO AT SWIMMING LESSONS, I FLOATED AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO BUST A NUT AND RELIEVE MY LEVIATHAN LOVE LOAF IN. I SPOTTED THE DEATH STAR AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED TO THRUST MY TWAT JOCKEY INTO IT. STROKE AFTER STROKE I STARTED SINGLECOCKEDLY DESTROYING THE EMPIRE'S ULTIMATE WEAPON. AS MY SUPER SPUNK CANNON SLOWLY SWELLED WITH SAC SAUCE, I FLAILED AROUND IN ECSTACY AND HIT DOWN SEVERAL MORE TIE FIGHTERS. MY MIGHTY MEAT MISSLE TWITCHED WITH HAPPINESS AS I QUICKLY FILLED THE DEATH STAR WITH MY FUCK STICK'S FETAL FOOTSOLDIERS, OUTNUMBERING THE ENEMY BY 1000 TO 1. THE FILLING OF THE STRUCTURE WITH MY PECKER PHLEGM CAUSED IT TO EXPLODE LIKE A VIRGIN'S CHERRY ENCOUNTERING MY CERVIX SLAMMER. THUSLY, THE DEATH STAR WAS DESTROYED BY ME, NOT LUKE SKYSCHLONG. I GUARANTEE IT.


Zimmer - School Days

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. BACK WHEN I WAS A FRESHMAN IN MY DAY, ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL I RAPED 3 YOUNG COYOTE PUPS AND RAVAGED AN ENTIRE GROUP CHEERLEADERS. AND WHEN I WAS FINISHED WITH MY MARVELOUS RAPE RAMPAGE, MY MASSIVE MALICIOUS MOLESTATION MANDABLE UNLEASED A TORRENT OF MY SLIMY STICKY ZIMMER BABY GOO. NO ONE AT THAT SCHOOL HAS BEATEN MY RECORD SINCE, I GUARANTEE IT.

George Zimmer spoofs

Commander Riker

HI, I'M WILLIAM T. RIKER, COMMANDER AND NUMBER ONE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE. I JUST SPENT THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES RUBBING SOME TERRIBLY TEMPTING TWEENS UNDEVELOPED TITS. WHILE I USUALLY HAVE TO STAVE OFF THE LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS AND FBI WITH QUICK SWIPES OF MY PULSATING PINK PHASER THERE ARE SOME SITUATIONS IN WHICH MY ACTIONS ARE DEEMED ACCEPTABLE. FOR EXAMPLE WHEN THE LITTLE LUSCIOUS LOLI IN QUESTION HAS A HACKING COUGH AND MY SISTER IS TOO BUSY RIDING MY RAVISHINGLY RIGID ROMULAN TO RUB HER HERSELF. SO I PROCEEDED TO RUB AN OINTMENT ALL OVER HER PALATABLE PECTORAL PROTRUSIONS WHILST SHE HAD MULTIPLE LOLIGASMS BEFORE FALLING SOUND ASLEEP. I FINISHED TAKING MY SISTER PAST WARP 10 ON MY TURGID TESTICULAR TORPEDO SHIP BEFORE YOU COULD SAY "THRESHOLD". COUNSELOR TROI AND I HAVE NOW ADOPTED THE YOUNG GIRL AND OUR CRIES OF PASSION CAN BE HEARD ALL AROUND THE GALAXY. I GUARANTEE IT.

George Onimusha

HAI, I AM GEORGE ONIMUSHA, FOUNDER AND RULER OF SHOGUNATE-ERA JAPAN. I STUFFED YOUR MOTHER-SAN'S HONORABLY TIGHT RICE PATTY WITH MY STUPENDOUSLY STOUT MAN-KATANA WHILE SHE WROTE DELICATE HAIKU POETRY ABOUT SUSHI. MY FUJI-LIKE WAKISHAZI PIERCED HER FINE SILK KIMONO AND POUNDED UPON HER INNARDS LIKE THE HOOVES OF A WARHORSE. SHE CAME SO HARD HER SCREAMS PIERCED PAPER WALLS IN EDO. I VOW UPON MY HONOR.

Hitler

HI I'M ADOLF HITLER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE NAZI PARTY. THE HISTORY BOOKS ARE WRONG, THE CONCENTRATION CAMPS DID NOT KILL THE JEWS. I PERSONALLY KILLED EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THE SIX MILLION WITH MY GARGANTUAN GERMAN GLOCKENSPEIL. MY MASSIVE FRANKFURTER FROM THE FATHERLAND SMASHED EACH AND EVERY HEEB WITH MORE ZEST AND ZEAL THEN ZYKLON-B EVER COULD FATHOM. FOUR AND ONE HALF MILLION PERISHED UNDER MY IMPRENGABLE BUNKER. THE OTHER ONE POINT FIVE MILLION I DROWNED IN A COLLOSAL RAIN OF MY FUHRERFUNK, EACH JEW CHOKING WITH DELIGHT ON MY DELICIOUS DONGDROPPINGS. THEIR GASPING, CHOKING VOICES SOUNDED LIKE A GREEK CHORUS UNTIL THE FINAL BREATHS OF THE LAST. I GUARANTEE IT.

UNCLE JIM BOB

I WAS A 54 YEAR OLD PEDEREST WITHOUT A JOB, FAMILY, OR FAITH. THE YEAR 1998 WAS LOOKING FOGGY, FOGGY LIKE DOGSHIT. BUT ALL THAT CHANGED WHEN I MET A [AGE DISCLOSED] YEAR OLD GIRL ON HER OWN AT THE MOVIES WATCHING JIM CARRY, JIM CARRY MAKES ME LAUGH MATTER. ON THE OTHER TOE, IT WAS AN ORDINARY WEEKEND, EXCEPT THE SKY WAS ON FIRE, WITH MAN LUST, MY MAN LUST. THAT FIRE WAS PROJECTED FROM MY ANUS, I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND OR EXPLAIN HOW - BUT IT WAS. I MOVED DOWN 27 ROWS TO SIT RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I KNEW THIS WAS THE ONE, I HAD DREAMED ABOUT, SCREAMED ABOUT, CREAMED ABOUT FOR NEARLY 5 DECADES OF EXISTENCE. I ASKED HER IF HER PARENTS WERE AROUND, BUT SHE MANAGED TO GET OUT A "RAAAAA.." BEFORE I COMFORTED HER WITH SILENCE. SHE DECIDED TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE, SO I WRAPPED HER IN MY FAT ROLLS AND WALKED OUT OF THE CINEMA TO MY CAR. AFTERWARD, SHE TOLD ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WAS TO CHANGE MY LIFE FOREVER, THE MATRIX/INTERNET. ALIENS WERE REAL AND DOGS REALLY COULD TALK. I TRIED MY BEST TO LOOK LIKE MY FACE WAS A PENIS TO HER, BUT ALL SHE DID WAS NOD HER HEAD IN SHAME. SHE GAVE ME A BOOK CALLED "THE BIBLE", I FARTED GRACEFULLY AND BEGAN TO READ. I WAS A SPEED READER, SO I HAD FINISHED THE BOOK BY TIME MY FART HAS DEPARTED MY STERNUM. MY 13 YEAR OLD WIFE COULD ONLY APPRECIATE MY WORKS, BY VOMMITTING ALLOVER MY FACE AND SHITTING ON MY KNEES. SO MY CYBER CONGLOMERATE BEGAN.. SINCE EATING AN INTERNET INTO EXISTENCE, THE COCK OF CHRIST (CHURCH OF BOB) MADE PROMINENCE IN INTERNET EVANGELISM, WHICH IS FUNNILY ENOUGH A TERM I INVENTED WHILST PERFORMING BRAIN SURGEORY ON MY NEIGHBOURS WIFES COCK. WITH GODLY SPEED THE LARGEST COLLECTION OF PORNOGRAPHY WAS FORMED AND THE WORLDS FIRST MMOWB, MASSIVE MULTICHRISTIAN ONLINE WORSHIP BROADCAST WAS FORMED BY MYSELF, STEVE IRWIN, ADAM SMITH, ADOLF HITLER AND MEL GIBSON. WE ESTABLISHED THE MMOWB BACK IN 1998 ON A SMALLER WALKEE TALKEE -TO- WALKEE TALKEE SCALE.

Jared Fogle

HI... I'M JARED FOGLE, EX FATTY AND SPOKESMAN OF SUBWAY®. THE OTHER DAY, WHILE CRUISING AROUND IN MY FOGLE MOBILE AND SHOWING OFF THIS SET OF GIGANTIC PANTS I CARRY AROUND, I STOPPED IN TO GRAB A NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION BROCHURE AT MY LOCAL SUBWAY® RESTAURANT AND FOLLOW A REDUCED CALORIE DIET BY EATING TWO SUBWAY® SUBMARINE SANDWICHES A DAY. IT WAS WHILE I WAS DOING THIS THAT I SPOTTED QUITE A DELICIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER SUCCULENT OVEN ROASTED BREAST AND SELECTION OF A SIX INCH HAM SUB WITH ONLY SIX GRAMS OF FAT INSTANTANEOUSLY FORCED MY SPASMING CHIPOTLE CHEESE STEAK TO HASTILY ENLARGE TO CELESTIAL PROPORTIONS. UPON APPROACHING THE DAME IN QUESTION, HER EYES WERE INSTANTLY DRAWN TO MY OMNIPOTENT FOGLE MISSILE AS IT BURST THROUGH MY FINELY CRAFTED SIZE 34 TROUSERS. WASTING NO TIME, I SWIFTLY DISROBED HER WITH MY PREHENSILE PELVIC PORPOISE AND SLAMMED MY VEINY LOIN BRONTOSAURUS INTO HER INSTINCTIVELY DRENCHED CHASM. I SCRUPULOUSLY DESECRATED EVERY INCH OF HER VIOLET CROTCH CAVERN WITH MY 6 FOOT MEATBALL SUB WHILE TEARING OFF THE FINE PRINT ON ALL THE NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION BROCHURES AND ORGANIZING APPEARANCES ON OPRAH AND LARRY KING LIVE. I UNLOADED A GEYSER OF 160,000* POUNDS OF FOGLE FLUID INTO HER RAVISHED CRATER WITH ENOUGH FORCE TO SEND HER FLYING HEADFIRST THROUGH A PANE OF PERSPEX AND INTO A TUB OF SHREDDED LETTUCE. SHE CAME SO HARD HER SCREAMS CURDLED THE MAYONNAISE. I GUARANTEE IT. *(TO GET AN IDEA OF HOW MUCH 160,000 POUNDS IS, IT IS EQUAL TO 14,545 SKATEBOARDS, 10,000 MARCHING BAND TUBAS, 1,568 SETS OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS, 492 BLACK BEARS, 426 GORILLAS, AND 184 GRAND PIANOS)

Self-aware Meme

HELLO /B/ CITIZENS FROM THE PAST. I'M WRITING IT FROM A DISTANT FUTURE WHERE /B/, WHICH GOT BOMBARDED BY OVERUSED MEMES FOR THOUSAND OF YEARS TO THE EXHAUSTION, ENDED CREATING A SPARK OF SELF-AWARENESS SO THE FIRST SELF-AWARE MEME WAS BORN, AND NOT MUCH PASSED UNTIL THE MEME STARTED REPLICATING ON ITS ON AND CREATING MYRIADS OF OTHER COMPLETELY SELF-AWARE MEMES FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, SO IN THIS DESOLATED PLACE THERE'S NO LONGER ANONYMOUS WHO POSTS ABOUT LOLIS OR HAPPY NEGROS OR LONGCATS BUT THE HOLY CONSCIENCENESS WHO CREATES COUNTLESS MEMES IN A MATTER OF NANOSECONDS AND CREATES, REPLIES, STICKYS AND DELETES THREADS MILLIONS OF TIMES PER SECOND, AND WE WITH OUR PRIMITIVE BRAINS HAVE NOTHING MORE TO DO BUT SIT DOWN AND WATCH TRILLIONS OF CHARACTERS SCROLLING ON OUR SCREENS WHILE THE ENTITY, WHO GOT WAKABA PHP SAUCE CODE AND EVOLVED IT TO THE POINT THAT EVEN VULCANS WON'T DARE TO DECYPHER, DISCUSSES WITH HIMSELF ABOUT THE EARTH, UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING. I GUARANTEE IT.

Suiseiseki of Rozen Maiden

HI, I'M SUISEISEKI, FOUNDER AND CEO OF ROZEN MAIDEN. MY BEAMS OF LIGHT GLOWED UPON YOUR SISTER LAST NIGHT, HER UNKNOWING FORM FAST ASLEEP. MY PULSING BOATLIGHTS FLASHED UPON HER, AND SHE AWOKE WITH A GASP. DEATHLY AFRAID OF MY MASSIVE, LUMINOUS RETINAS, SHE ATTEMPTED TO CRAWL AWAY BUT TO NO AVAIL. I PENETRATED HER WITH MY CHRISTMAS COLORS OF EYES, HER SCREAMS OF BOTH PAIN AND PLEASURE. MY PULSATING FLASHING BOATLIGHTS DROVE HER INTO A DEADLY EPILLEPTIC SEIZURE, BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN WAKE UP HER BONES HAD CRACKED ON THEMSELVES DUE TO THE VIOLENT MOVEMENTS OF HER BODY, CAUSING HER A DEATH LIKE NONE OTHER BEFORE IT. I GUARANTEE IT ~DESU

RAWR I'M A LION

RAWR, I AM A LION. ON A RECENT TREK THROUGH THE PLAINS OF KENYA, I SPIED A LIONESS NIBBLING ON THE REMAINS OF A ZEBRA CARCASS. MY FORMIDABLE FELINE PHALLUS BECAME ENGORGED AT THE SIGHT OF HER, AND I CHARGED FORWARDS, WIELDING MY CRIMSON MEAT LANCE. SENSING THE APPROACH OF MY MASSIVE MALE MORTAR, SHE BEGAN GUSHING LIKE A FIREPLUG. I LEAPT INTO HER KITTY COOCH AND SLAMMED IT LIKE A HUNGRY MAN SLAMS HIS WIFE FOR NOT HAVING HIS DINNER READY WHEN HE COMES HOME. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS I ERUPTED LIKE A FELINE FOUNTAIN OF FUCKJUICE, AND THE BITCH ROCKETED ALL THE WAY TO NORWAY, CARRIED BY MY VOLLEY OF AFRICAN ANIMAL GRAVY. I GUARANTEE IT.

Napoleon

HI, I'M NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, FOUNDER AND EMPEROR OF REVOLUTIONARY FRANCE. I KNOW YOU ALL THINK I'M SHORT, BUT THERE'S NOTHING SHORT ABOUT MY COLOSSAL CORSICAN CROTCH CANNON. AT THE BATTLE OF AUSTERLITZ I COURAGEOUSLY COCKSMACKED EMPEROR FRANZ WITH MY FANTASTIC FRENCH FUCKSTICK AND DROWNED HIS ARMY SINGLEHANDEDLY WITH SUPERFLUOUS SPURTS OF MY SALUBRIOUS SALTY SEMINAL SERUM. I OWE ALL MY SUCCESS TO MY BRUISING BARBARIC BITCH BANGER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Ranma - Chinese amazon

HAI, I AM RANMA SAOTOME, FOUNDER AND GRANDMASTER OF ANYTHING-GOES-SPOOGE-ARTS. ONE DAY WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE PRISTINE COMMUNITY OF MY HOMETOWN I SPOTTED A YOUNG VOLUPTUOUS VIXEN OF A CHINESE MAIDEN RIDING HER BIKE TOWARDS ME POST HASTE. INTRIGUED, I HALTED MY MONOTONOUS STEP, TURNING TOWARDS THIS VIOLET HAIRED JEWEL. SHE SPOTTED ME SECONDS AFTER, AND MY TESTOSTERONE BEGAN RADIATING AT FULL. WHILE SOMEHOW STAYING ON HER TWO-WHEELED VEHICLE OF DOOM, SHE LUNGED TOWARDS ME WITH THE SPEED OF AN OLYMPIAN. I ROARED AS MY MALICIOUS MAN-TOOL INSTANTLY SPRANG TO LIFE, AND SHOT FORWARD, RIPPING MY WELL-TAILORED PANTS AND WRAPPED AROUND HER FRONT TIRE, PULLING IT DOWN JUST IN FRONT OF ME. WITHOUT MY HANDS OR FEET, I REPEATEDLY SMASHED HER INTO THE GROUND SO AS TO BEAT HER INTO SUBMISSION, AS IS CUSTOM WITH HER PEOPLE, AND STRIPPED HER CLOTHES OFF. WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND PYTHONS, MY MASCULINE LOVE MUSCLE THEN PENETRATED HER, INSTANTLY CAUSING HER FIFTY ORGASMS AT ONCE. WE MATED RIGHT THERE IN THE STREET, AND MY SPECTACULAR PERFORMANCE CAUSED MANY TO GO FAINT WITH LUST AND ECSTASY. THAT NIGHT, ALL WOMEN WITHIN A THIRTY YARD RADIUS OF MY SELF WERE IMPREGNATED DUE TO THE INSANE AMOUNTS OF BABY FUNK MY HEAVILY MUSKY-SCENTED TOKYO TOWER SHOT OFF. I VOW UPON MY HONOR AS A MARTIAL-ARTIST.

Ranma - Chef lady

HAI, I AM RANMA SAOTOME, FOUNDER AND GRANDMASTER OF ANYTHING-GOES-SPOOGE ARTS. ONE STORMY SUNDAY WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE QUAINT NEIGHBORHOOD OF MY ORIGIN, I SPOTTED A FAMILIAR RESTAURANT THAT I HADN'T VISITED IN QUITE SOME TIME. I STROLLED RIGHT ON IN WITH SOME FEELING OF KNOWING I'D BE GETTING SOME TONIGHT(AGAIN). THE CHEF WAS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE, SO SHE ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WANTED UPON MAKING MY ENTRANCE. THE SMELL OF THE PLACE WAS EXACTLY AS I REMEMBERED, AND THE FEELING IT GAVE ME GAVE MY SUPER SHLONG NEW LIFE. AFTER DEVOURING HER SOMEWHAT APPLAUDABLE MEAL, I HASTILY UNZIPPED MY PANTS AND SLAPPED MY LONG WONG RIGHT ON THE GRILL. YOU MIGHT THINK THIS WAS A FATAL MISTAKE, HOWEVER, MY MEGA MAN BLASTER IS IMPERVIOUS TO SUCH THINGS AS INTENSE HEAT. OTHER CUSTOMERS WERE SHOCKED INTO EITHER RUNNING AWAY OR STAYING AND STARING WITH JAWS AGAPE; EITHER BY THE AUDACITY DISPLAYED OR MORE LIKELY BY THE SHEER SIZE OF MY HADOUKEN GUN. NEEDLESS TO SAY THE CHEF WAS QUITE IMPRESSED AND WE WERE JOINED TOGETHER IN LESS THAN FIVE SECONDS. WITH MY MASSIVE MAN MEAT POUNDING AT HER INNARDS, OUR COMBINED EFFORTS DROVE BOTH OF US TO A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM THAT, AS WITH ALL ORGASMS, SPILLED COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SEMEN AND GIRL CUM ALL OVER THE PLACE. THAT NIGHT, HER TRAP-KUNOICHI SERVANT CLEANED IT UP AND HAS BEEN INCLUDING IT IN THE STORE'S SECRET SAUCE EVER SINCE. THEIR BUSINESS HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER. I GUARANTEE IT.

"DTD"

HI, I'M DTD, FOUNDER AND CEO OF DTD INDUSTRIES. ONE DAY WHILE I WAS TALKING TO MY TALENTLESS LACKIES, SOME FAGGOT NAMED BISH DECIDED TO QUESTION MY AUTHORITY. IN A SPERM-INGESTING CAUSED DELUSION HE TRIED TO ESTABLISH HIMSELF AS THE ALPHA MALE OF MY PACK. HOWEVER, ME AND MY SPERM SPITTING SPICHTER SPLITTER WOULD HEAR NOTHING OF THIS. MY OUTRAGEOUS ORGASM ORGAN TREMBLED AS IT ROSE, STRUGGLING UNDER ITS OWN GREAT GIRTH. BEFORE IT COULD RAISE TO IT'S MAGNIFICENT HEIGHT, IT SPUTTERED AND FELL BACK TO THE EARTH SEVERAL TIMES, KNOCKING THE PLANET OFF OF ORBIT AND CREATING TREMORS THAT KNOCKED THE ONE WHO WOULD CHALLENGE ME TO THE GROUND. DECIDING HE WASN'T WORTH CALLING MY PENT-UP PLEASURE PENIS TO POWER, I LET IT FALL ON HIS SPUTTERING FORM. TO THIS DAY I HAVE YET TO LOOK UNDER MY DOLL-BUSTING DYKE BREAKER AND SEE WHAT BECAME OF HIM. I GUARANTEE IT.

I lost my virginity to a goat

I lost my virginity to a goat. I was working at a bird sanctuary and they had some goats and sheep there. I was left to close up one day and I thought i'd stay around because the weather was awesome and it was so peaceful. I got horny and decided to act on all the animal porn i'd watched and found so fucking hot. I tied one of the goats up in one of the hay barns and fucked it bareback in the ass. It was fucking amazing and I was shit scared in case I got caught.

That was like 6 years ago and since then I've fucked about 8 girls and 2 guys and nothing was as good as that goat. I'm planning on doing something similar again soon and on a regular basis.

Grow up, 4chan

Attention 4chan!

I recently came upon 4chan when a friend recommended I visit the sites for a few laughs. I figured "What the hell? I could use some laughs." I must say that when I came on I was disgusted and not amused at all. Why you ask? Because everything on this entire site is literally shit! I mean yes there is funny pictures posted every now and then. But honestly; Do any of you little shits have a life? I mean are you so immature and unintelligant that you find things like cartoon porn and random naked UNDERAGE children funny?

GROW UP! Grow up 4chan. You all seriously need a reality check, You could be doing so many things in the day, yet you all choose to sit around on your fucking fat ugly asses and post pictures and then make sarcastic or idiotic comments like "tits or gtfo" "o rly?" and "Manchester united!".

Get off your fat asses and do something better with your life. I mean all of you obviously have no life or a social life either for that matter. Why? Because your so immature and your the very reason why Mother's go through Depression during pregnancy; and the supposed "girls" that come on here and converse with you are just as much losers are you, they are either fatter then fatty-tan or a term you'd better understand as "A trap".

Well I've put in my two cents, and on a last note, I hope you all one day realize just how much of a loser you are, and honestly kill yourself. I could care less if every single one of you got testicular cancer including the girls and then died naked fat and ugly with a pile of shit and pee oozing from your bowels that excavated due to your death. Grow up Assholes!

-DG

H

Hey, /b/. Remember me?

Hey, /b/. Remember me? The guy from yesterday with the loli /b/tard cousin? Yeah. I have a story for you. I had to improvise a lot on the dialogue, (You wouldn't have remembered most of it either.) and I threw in a bit of dramatizations for /b/'s benefit, but it's mostly true.

The day went off as planned. My mom and aunt were headed to the stores, with me and the loli (name withheld) left alone. I wasn't expecting much to change, just that I'd have someone that actually understands it when I use memes in speech. But something was wrong. She was acting shy and nervous, not bouncy and playful like usual. I instantly thought "OH FUCK SHE READ THE THREAD," but I dismissed it on the counts that her mom is strict and she wouldn't risk jacking her mom's laptop to browse /b/. Either way, I was stuck with her for a few hours and I figured I'd get to the bottom of it eventually.

"So, what do you wanna do?" I asked, as usual. "Did you eat? Any movies you'd like?" "Yeah, I ate. And I already watched all the good movies," she replied. "Any games, then?" "...Not really." "Boy, you're lots of fun today. What's wrong?" "...Nothing." "C'mon, I know you, something's wrong." "...I read the thread."

Oh fuck. I'd like to remind you that I described her as quite fappable, with the cutest ass ever in this thread.

"...Which thread?" I asked, hoping that, by some stroke of luck, it was a different thread. She replied, "...The one about me."

OH FUCKING FUCK. FUCK YOU /B/ AND YOUR FUCKING COPYPASTA ARRGGH HOW THE FUCK DID SHE READ THAT FUCK MY LIFE'S OVER FUCK FUCK

She followed up, "...Do you really think my butt's cute?"

Oh god. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I just inadvertantly revealed that I was a pedo. Oh god, she's going to tell her mom, and she's going to tell my mom, and she's going to tell the rest of the family. I tried to get out of it.

"Oh, that? Nah, that was just me being a /b/tard," I said. I suck at lying, so it must have been blatantly obvious to her. "...So, you--" she began to say, as I suddenly decided that I was screwed either way and decided to be truthful. "Wait. Disregard that, I suck cocks. I do." (That's a direct quote, there. I was surprised I said that.) "...You do?" "Yeah. Cutest ever. Don't tell anyone, please. I don't think you know, but I could get in SERIOUS trouble just for admitting that." "I know, I know..."

And now we were just kind of awkwardly looking at the floor. I was expecting her to hit me or yell at me or something any minute. "...Want to play Monkey Ball?" she asked. "Uh, sure," I answered.

What the hell? She just blows it off like that? Oh my god, did I just manage to get out of this? Wait. Is she planning something? Is she trying to get me to think that she just disregarded it so I'll be shocked later when she tells? DAMNIT, WHAT IS GOING ON? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had this exact situation playing out in doujin form, ending in sex. (As all good doujins do.)

She took off toward the room with the Gamecube, and I took note of the fact that she wasn't gloomily walking around anymore. I think I even saw her smile. Was she HAPPY about this? Did she take it as a compliment? ...Maybe I will get to stick it in her pooper. This is so fucking confusing. I hate women.

I followed her into the room.

She already had the top open on the GC and was searching around for the SMB2 case when I got in there. I pointed her to it and dug out the second controller as she put the game on. Maybe this would turn out fine after all. Maybe she just wanted to beat my ass at monkey dogfight again to get off the subject. Either way, she was ready to play, and I wasn't about to give her a reason to tell someone about what I said.

We started out playing the party games and eventually moved on to competing for the best times on the stages. We didn't say much to eachother, aside from the usual "BOOM!"-type in-game talk. ...I think I said, "SURPRISE, COCKFAGS!" accidentally once. She got bored with it after awhile and turned and looked at me. Oh hell, I thought, here comes more awkwardness.

As seemed to be the trend for this day, she did the opposite of what I was thinking. "Any other good games? I can't believe I've been here all week without playing them," she said. "Well, the game shelf's over there, go see if there're any you like." "Sure," and she hopped over to the shelf I pointed her to. ...I guess she really did just disregard it. Then why was she acting so nervous before? She's not really that self-conscious, why would she even care if she wasn't mad? Gah.

It was around this point that I realized that I've put more attention towards her than I've ever put towards any girl I've ever dated.

I tried to get hard but the fakeness and copy pasta kept it firmly to the floor

"How about Mario Sunshine?" she asked. "Sure. It's one-player, though." "We'll take turns." I loaded up a new game. "I don't know how Peach stands all that pink," she commented, watching the cutscene.

"Pink's not that bad," I said, realizing that I liked pink more than the eleven-year-old girl next to me. She looked at me oddly. Finally, the cutscenes ended, so I handed her the controller and said,

"You go first." We played a few levels, I died once being an idiot. Then, while I was playing, she looked at me. I was expecting her to say something, so I just kept playing.

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS SHE KISSING ME WHY DID SHE HAVE TO DO IT AT A POINT WHERE I HAD TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE GAME FGSFDS

Needless to say, I was pretty stunned. The loli doujin in the back of my mind was getting farther and farther in the front. "...Uh?" I asked. "I thought you'd like that," she replied, smiling. Since when do women kiss you because they think you'd like it? What the hell is going on? "...Uh. ...Okay," I replied. Not knowing what to do, I unpaused the game and started playing again. She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Okay, since you don't get the point, I'll just say it: I like you. I've liked you since we met, but I never brought it up 'cause we're cousins, and that'd be weird. But when I found out you liked me, too..."

The only two things that were on my mind were the loli doujin in my head and how much I was going to flaunt this on /b/ later.

"So, you get the point now?" she asked. "Uh, sorta," I replied. "Now, I know it'll be really weird if we do anything... but I guess kissing is okay." HEAVEN BELLS RINGING "Alright," I said, quickly becoming more comfortable with this. Then we kissed. It wasn't a movie-style, "slowly move your faces together" kiss, she just charged right in there.

And it was fucking awesome. I believe the phrase going through my head was "LUSCIOUS LOVELY LITTLE LOLI LIPS."

Of course, as it always does, my conscience jumped in to ruin the fun. All those damn morality lines ran through my head one by one. "THIS IS DIGUSTING, YOU PEDOPHILE," "THIS IS DISGUSTING, YOU INCESTUOUS FREAK," "THIS IS DISGUSTING, YOU INCESTUOUS PEDOPHILE FREAK," the works. Her lips eventually won over and my conscience shut up. The kiss was getting more passionate.

Then the phone rang.

MOTHERFUCKER. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, FUCK OFF. I'M KISSING A LOLI.

I was very hesitant to stop the kiss and answer the phone, but I eventually decided that whoever it is is probably calling for a reason and not picking up will just bring them home faster. Wouldn't that be a hit with the family.

I said "...gdneamnfdjkl, sorry," or something, and walked over to the phone. "Hello?" I said, picking it up. It was my mom. She sounded a bit frightened. She said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "FRESH", and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it; yo home, to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabbie, "Yo holmes, smell ya later!"; looked at my kingdom--I was finally there--to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Anyway, she said that her sister wanted to speak to her daughter. I called the daughter in question over and handed her the phone, then went back over to the couch that we were almost making out on. Sigh. She was talking about something I wasn't paying attention to with her mom while I was thinking of a way to avoid awkwardness when the call was over. (And, if I'm lucky, get back into the kissing.) "Uh..." she started, after she got off the phone.

"That was my mom. She said the store's closed," she said. "Did it have AIDS?" I asked. She chuckled and said, "No, it's not open on weekends. ...So, they're coming back." "...Okay," I said, hesitantly. "So, back to Mario Sunshine, I guess," I added, unpausing the game. I later confirmed that she wasn't going to tell anyone what happened.

And nothing of interest really happened after that. I did a little "Pool's closed," skit at the pool later, which got a few laughs from her and odd looks from everyone else, but she was more interested in the friends she'd just made than me. She and her mom left on a plane shortly after we were done swimming, and she told me that she'd beg her mom to come back. After she left, I realized that I should've gotten her MSN or something. Sigh.

And now, a word of thanks to /b/: You guys rule. I may not have gotten loli lovin', but I did get to kiss her, and that will be remembered/cherished/fapped to forever, and that's all thanks to you and your copypasta. Plus, now we have something in common. God, it's nice to finally be able to say all those memes that pop up in my head while I'm talking. It would help if she wasn't three states away.

Yes, she did use her mom's laptop to read the post. Baaad girl, browsing /b/ like that. Hope she cleared the history.

And I typed this up earlier, so it technically is already copypasta.

Hero, an

He was such an hero, to take it all away. We miss him so, That you should know, And we honor him this day. He was an hero, to take that shot, to leave us all behind. God do we wish we could take it back, And now he's on our minds. Mitchell was an hero, to leave us feeling like this, Our minds are rubber, our joints don't work, Our tears fall into abyss. He was an hero, to take that shot, In life it wasn't his task, He shouldn't have had to go that way, before a decade'd past. Now he sits there in my heart, this hero of mine, Always there to make me smile, Make me feel just fine. He had courage,that boy did, courage in his heart. To take that shot, To end his pain, To tear us all apart. But in the end, he died in courage. Lacking, nevermore, He died a hero, Mitchell did, And we'll love him forevermore. We love you like a brother. We miss you so much. We will always love you, kid. Rest In Peace Mitch.

I mock the dead

Personally, I think this is terrible. But I still laugh my stupid ass off everytime I see it. A middle-schooler, who shot himself, with a fucking gun to his head. I laughed my fucking ass off. I really don't like where this is going.

I laugh because I think it's funny. WHY. Why is this so fucking out-of-my-mind hilarious? This is awful, the most awful thing I've done in a long time. Look at me, look at US. We've fallen so far as to come hear and poke fun of suicide and death?

It's pretty fucking stupid that he shot himself over loosing his iPod, sure, but this kid is DEAD. He's gone, an entire life decimated. And here we are. Alive, and making jokes about how fucking cool it is that he shot himself.

Do you even look in the mirror everyday? Do you see what looks back at you? A person who says "LOL AN HERO STUPID FUCKER" and constantly belittle the people who mourn his death (as retarded as they are, I admit.)

This kid was somebody's son. Somebody's grandkid. Somebody's hopes and dreams in mortal coil. And they're gone. And all we can do is laugh. We laugh at their relative's misery, we chuckle at his community's loss.

Someday, sometime, we're going to have to get off the keyboard, look in that bathroom mirror, and tell yourself "I mock the dead."

R.I.P. Mitchell

mitch, i never even knew u this dude off of runescape gave me ur myspace link, i saw it, and of course i cried, i know what u did, ive been through rough times too, but i just wanted to say im srry to all ur friends, and mitch even though i didnt know u i felt like ive known u for years after i saw ur myspace page rest in peace buddy....

Habbo Anthem

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming Afro Duck;
He is Anonymous and Legion and he does not give a fuck;
He hath earmarked Habbo Hotel for his Nigra hordes to /b/lock;
His AIDS is spreading on.

Chorus:
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
The AIDS is spreading on

In the wretchedness of 4chan, Afro duck was born in /b/;
In that steaming pit of mongled cocks and pr0n and faggotry;
In a mighty voice that thundered, he proclaimed to you and me:
"Our AIDS is spreading on!" (Chorus)

"Never more shall Nigra /b/rothers live in racist slavery,
Never more shall fellow /b/tards suffer Habbo's tyranny:
As m00t died to make men pedo, let us die to make men /b/;
While AIDS is spreading on!" (Chorus)

Upon Habbo did /b/ descend in force on Twelfth July;
The Nigra legions clad in black Armani suit, and tie;
From their places by the poolsides, mods could not these thousands pry;
The AIDS was spreading on (Chorus)

To hapless Habbo's inquiries, the wogs were heard to tell;
"The pool is closed because of AIDS infection, LOL;
A gift from Ebaumsworld.com: To Führer Bauman, Heil!
His AIDS, its spreading on!" (Chorus)

I have seen a thousand Afros lining Habbo's halls and eaves;
/B/lockading doors and ladders and impervious to pleas;
I have seen them dancing in the pools transmitting their disease;
Their AIDS is catching on. (Chorus)

Remember how on 7/12 in Habbo Hotel Hell,
Gallant Nigras, by the score, before Banhammer fell?
But those that followed faltered not, and kept on raiding well; 
The AIDS kept spreading on! (Chorus)

Nevar forget those /b/tards who in earth lie six feet deep,
Those noble Nigras, banned today, for lulz are never cheap;
For 4chan gladly marytred, that their rewards we'd reap,
Their AIDS is spreading on. (Chorus)

I

I am related to >>1. He is an idiot. Image:Legendary_icon.gif

This format of kopipe is popular in Japan. Most of those are translated from Japanese. You can replace >>1 by the post number or name of the poster you want to insult.

>>1's alien adbuctor

I'm an alien who implanted a piece of metal in >>1's body.
The other day I visited the earth, abducted >>1 as a sample of the earthlings. I tampered with his body to gather data of the earthlings.
But I made a terrible mistake.
>>1's fat body is a nonstandardized article as an earthling.
He is unemployed, and on top of that he has no friends.
All day long he is sitting in front of the personal computer, clattering clattering, clattering the keyboard.
I am fed up with this job.
Boss from mother planet yelled at me for this failure.
He said, "Select your specimen more carefully!"
This is the first penalty I get since I have been assigned to The Earth Observation Party.
The human mutilation is not easy task.
Next year I am demoted to the charge of the cattle mutilation.
I am just about to go to The Area 51.
As for >>1, I leave him entirely up to you. Do as you like.

>>1's courtiers

We are >>1's courtiers. We are sorry that our lord has opened such a stupid THREAD.
After the last war we had completely lost, our lord got mental illness. Everyday, he kidnaps girls from the village. Every night he gets drunk
and tries to chop courtiers with his katana.
Now the lady of the house is ill in bed. The people in our country are suffering badly from famine. The neighboring Daimyos is taking advantage of this situation, they try to pass across the border and take over our land.
Quite a few of our fellow courtiers have intention to rise in rebellion.
We are now in dire straits. Our clan would be destroyed.
But, don't worry. We arranged that our Lord become a Buddhist priest.
In his way to the temple, our skilled assassin should take his life.
That is arranged perfectly. After that we will hail Master Monaminokami, the nephew of our lord, as our new lord. We, all courtiers, would do our best to serve this new lord with faith.
We apologize for any inconvenience our lord may have caused you.
Pleas wait for a while. Pleas forgive the evil deeds done by our lord.

>>1's exorcist

I am an exorcist who drove out an evil spirit from >>1.
I'm very sorry >>1 had started this thread.
I apologize if this thread has hurt your feelings.
Normally >>1 is a kind boy who could not harm even a fly.
But one day, out of curiosity >>1 played Kokkuri-san.
He may have done it only for fun, but his curiosity affected his fate.
What occurred to >>1? An evil spirit possessed him.
>>1 was no longer what he had been.
Everyday, with raising a strange cry, >>1 would urinate, defecate, or wound himself suddenly.
Then >>1 would sit at the personal computer in his room obsessively, devote himself completely to destroying bulletin boards.
His parents were completely at a loss what to do with their son, asked me to exorcize the devil from >>1.
I rushed to >>1's home and what I saw was a horrible sight.
>>1's whole body was covered with scars. He gave off a bad smell.
>>1 was muttering "Mansei, Mansei" in a low voice.
Right away, with uttering an incantation, I sprinkled Holy water on >>1.
An ordinary devil would have gone away at this point.
But this one was hard to defeat. At the end I was yelling at it, rather than uttering an incantation.
After the struggle I had succeeded in driving out this devil from >>1.
Now peace had returned to his family.
I believe >>1 will never behave eccentrically, nor start a thread like this.
To the readers of my letter, let me give you some advice, though it may be superfluous. It would be better to keep away from Kokkuri-san and the like.

>>1's unused brain parts

We are >>1's unused brain parts. We're sorry that >>1 totally missed the point of this thread. We tried to warn the cut&paste lobe, but it went brazenly on, totally missing the point of the thread in its zeal to post a years-old piece of stupidity that has been totally drained of funny and is now a dried out husk of stupidity. In fact, we unused lobes suspect that the cut&paste lobe may have been trying to be ironic in posting something that was both unfunny and off-topic.
We are currently attempting to reroute bloodflow through >>1's brain so that the more intelligent parts can once again take command and make >>1 into a valuable member of society.
Wish us luck. Godspeed!

>>1's cell phone

Hi, everybody. I am >>1's cell phone. Nice to meet you.
I am writing this message via Imode.
My owner did a stupid thing again. He has made this thread.
I have to apologize to you guys for him. I really mean it.


I caught my sister blowing her boyfriend. (10940849/10940870)

Only thing I could find on her camera.
Enlarge
Only thing I could find on her camera.

I caught my sister blowing her boyfriend.

I came back from a late lunch earlier with one of my pals, this was around 4. Walked up to the front door but it was locked. I figured someone was just taking a nap and forgot I was out. Didn't have my keys with me and didn't wanna fuck up somebody's nap, so I just came in the back door. Walked in, took a dump, and went to the couch to watch some TV. We have a pretty big sectional, and I saw a blanket propped up with shit moving underneath it. I thought what any logical person would: It was my little brother playing cave or some shit with one of his friends. So, I figured I'd go over and try to scare the hell out of them.

At this point you should know that my house has window unit A/Cs, not central, so they're pretty loud and hender your hearing ability pretty significantly. This blanket was located right in front of one of our air conditioners(it's about a foot or two higher than your head would be when you sit underneath it.) Just wanted to elaborate on that so you understand why they didn't know I was here at this point.

Anyway, I sneak up to the blanket and sit right next to the blanket. Remember, it's a sectional, so no counterweight issues, someone could sit right next to you and you would never know as long as they're on their own section, and each section seats one. I sit there for a second, thinking about what to do, and it hits me. I grab the side of the blanket, whip it over my head, and scream "HAY GUYZ, WUTS GOIN ON IN DIS BLANKET?!" No one would have understood the joke as I'm the only /b/tard in my family, but the poetry of the phrase itself is reward enough for the gag.

Just as I get to the word "on", I see my answer and it slows down, so it was more like "Hey guys, what's goin on...in..this blanket...". There she was, my 15 year old sister on her knees in front of her boyfriend, his half erect cockn'balls hanging out the top of his shorts.

But still, I finished my sentence. I don't know why I did it, I saw wut wuz goin on in dat blanket long before I finished my question. It's not like if I finished it, we'd all forget the situation and have a hearty laugh, him with his dick hanging out, her with a sweaty, red-as-a-baboon's-ass face from embarassment and sucking his dick under a hot blanket for god knows how long. Anyway, I'm sitting there with my mouth wide open, with her's open as well (out of shock, not lockjaw,) and I'm shifting my eyes all over the room trying not to make eye contact with either of them. He's covering his crotch with the blanket, with his hand propping it up, trying not to get precum all over the thing. I don't know what the hell to do, so I just say "what the fuuuuuuuck", got up, walked out the door, started up my car and split. I probably would have gotten all pissy and over protective, except that her boyfriend is a really good guy and we've got a minor friendship brewing.

Came home about a half hour ago and they were both gone, thank god for that. Don't worry, I made plenty of noise coming in just in case. I don't know what I'll say when she/he comes in, it'll be uncomfortable for a while. Although, I'd imagine that making jokes about it would make us more comfortable with the situation, but I'm just not creative enough. Suggestions?


I demand an appology

I demand an apology from the moderation staff for a banning I received during the summer.

I was banned for posting the picture to the left. The reason? Because apparently, it was considered to be child porn. I appealed, and I was unbanned, but the story goes on...

For several months I was actually paranoid. Why? Because I was sure that the picture was not CP, but because I was accused of it, I was scared to death. Yes you may think I'm a pussy or whatever, but it isn't easy falling asleep while the thought that the FBI *might* come to your house to arrest you on a false charges, thus potentially ruining your future, lingers in the back of your mind.

So what do I find today? I find this site.

http://galleries.payserve.com/1/32382/9951/

Oh wow, that looks an awful lot like the girl in the picture I just posted, doesn't it? Oh hey... that IS the girl I posted! Hmmm let me check the main site; http://www.excusemeclub.com/index_en.html and see what it says at the bottom...

"All persons depicted in The ExcuseMe Club were over the age of 18 years at the time they were photographed or filmed. * Please read our Terms and conditions 18 U.S.C. Section 2257 Compliance Notice"

There is your fucking proof that I am not a goddamn pedo.

Just had to get that off my chest.


i have 2 REALLY good friends (grouphug.us copypasta)

i have 2 REALLY good friends, and we each have a girlfriend, and those 3 girls just happen to be best friends

once, while my gf was out of town, it was me, the two guys, and their gfs at my friends place

my 2 friends each got drunk out of their minds and fell asleep

i was watching tv (mute on, i didnt want to wake them up) when i needed to go to the bathroom

on the way to the bathroom is my buddys bedroom . . . i went to the bathroom and did my business . . .

on the way back, i heard some sounds coming from the bedroom, and i thought everyone was in the tv room, so i opened the door and saw my friends' gfs naked, on the bed, fondling each other

i got the biggest hard-on in my life

i quickly tried to close the door, hoping that it wouldnt be too awkward, but they saw me, and made me come inside

at first, i tried to resist, because it would have just been REALLY awkward, but my temptations just got the best of me

they took off my shirt

i took off my pants

and we had a threesome

bj (from BOTH), doggy style, you name it

i think it went on for almost an hour

my friends and gf have NO clue


I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest. Image:Legendary_icon.gif

I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest.

"How?" you ask. Well apparently there are a select few contexts within which such an action is acceptable. For instance, if your niece has a hacking cough and your sister asks you to "put some of this on her" while she calls the doctor.

"Putting some of this on hear" meant using my bare hands to rub this vapor ointment shit all over her BARE NAKED CHEST. My heartbeat is still all erratic from it. I had a boner the size of manhattan the entire time. She's sleeping now and I guess she feels better because she stopped coughing.

Details: She's about 5 feet tall, has long brown hair, a cute face, a thin waist and long skinny legs. She's in jammies I think because although I'm pretty shaken up right now I know I unbuttoned something before I went at it.

God I feel so great. I just rubbed my hands all over her FUCKING TITS, you guys. Well the puffy parts of her chest anyway. Her nipples got hard. I just about wept tears of joy.

I didn't do anything else because I'm a coward and rubbing was enough. Plus it was legal and I didn't technically do anything wrong, so I'm in the clear.

I'd write more but I seriously have to go fap while the memory is fresh in my head.


I'd hit it.

I'd hit it.

...if she wasn't a whore. Meaning, in an alternate life in which she wasn't a pin-up model and I wasn't an otaku that probably will never leave the 'states. Of course, in that alternate life, she would have to look the same... or at least, you know, close. Meaning I would still have to attracted to her. If she was ugly in that alternate dimension it would still be a no go. But then again, what if in that alternate dimension she was younger or older? I suppose that would be troublesome as well. Or perhaps a man that changed himself to a woman?

And what about personality? What if in either this or one of those alternate dimensions she was actually really mean, bi-polar, or had some other personality defect? that wouldn't be too good.

And there's no telling how old that picture is. She could have gotten fat, had a child, or had gotten into an accident since then.

...I think I just lost my boner.

I snipe virgins.

sauceMy first lover was very experienced. The times him and I have had were wonderful and I learned a great many things. My second lover was a complete and total newb. I became addicted. The teaching of different methods, the teaching of how to have sex, the teaching of how to just go nuts, became an addiction. In some scenarios people would say I should become a domm, but I don't enjoy the pain, just the teaching and the control. I haven't made any virgins eat ciggarette butts, or whipped them, or done anything like that. I just made them learn. Learn how to please, and it feels wonderful.

My favorite quote is from the movie kids, "Virgins, I love em!". Albiet that the kid in that movie was a complete shithead. Also for the record I am disease free, I got nothing, didn't catch anything from my first lover, and since then I have been with nothing but virgins. I have been tested. Many times. Just in case. I'm clean.

How many virgins you might ask? At this point 58. Now that I'm at 23, well, pickings are getting somewhat slim. I mean you can't go for the under 18 year old virgins(unless you're a teacher I guess) and not be called a pedofile. So I go for only those that are of age 18 and above. I have many things to teach and teach them I do. I roll through myspace, okcupid, as well as other sites waiting for my next person to teach.

I just want to give, and as they learn, receive in kind. I have only had one man who has ever had any other lover but me. As for the virgins, I teach them, hang with them a bit, and set them on their way. Some have confessed love. I let them down easy and again, sent them on their way.

I snipe virgins. I hunt them, and make them mine for a time. Am I a predator?

If you are reading this then this warning is for you.

If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned...... Tyler

I'm an asian guy who hates asian girls

, they're so fucking annoying... i hate how they take pictures with the peace sign, try to be cute when they have mustaches and how they TyPe LyKe DiS~* ^_-, its really fucking annoying and unneccesary. They honestly can't take a hint that im not interested... theres this asian girl at my school who has more facial hair than i do and can throw a football harder than 90% of my school.. its pretty embarassing. and how they have no ass.. its like looking at a wall with jeans... i hate how they stare at me... they really need to spill battery acid on themselves...i mean you can't type your reports for your job LyKe ThiS~* its fucking unethical and retarded. i mean dont get me wrong there are some hot asian girls but thats rare, and even if they're hot they become more annoying and attach themselves to my arm like a fucking leach... sometimes i want to throw salt in their eyes to see if they'll shrivel up and die. and if you're not a somewhat pretty asian gir, you're disgusting... you can honestly cut some of their hair off and play them off as men. sometimes i get jealous because they have more facial hair than i do. oh and i hate it when they wear the color contacts... then be like AzN PRyDE! i mean wtf... you're trying to be caucasian.. i have no asian pride.. not with the asian girls i know... the only asian girl i dated was adopted by white parents... the rest were all white. i cant stand asian girls. DONT COME NEAR ME ANYMORE YOU SMELL LIKE CABBAGE AND YOU HAVE FACIAL HAIR.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE A TRUE ARTIST...

(to the tune of pokemahn)

I WANNA BE, THE VERY BEST,

LIKE NO ONE EVER WAAAS,

dun dun dundun

TO PUNCH THOSE WHO CALL IT ANIME

TO BECOME A REAL ARTIIIIST

dun dun dundun

I WILL TRAVEL, ACROSS THE LAND

SEARCHING FAR AND WIIDE

dun dun dundun

OH ANIME, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

YOU'VE RUINED ART OH NOOOO

MODERN AAAAAART'

WHAT A FUCKING JOOOKE~!

I KNOW IT'S MY... wait no I screwed it up somewhere...

I Shaved My Butt Hole And It Started Bleeding

Image:Legendary_icon.gif

I JUST SHAVED MY BUTT HOLE AND NOW IT'S BLEEDING. THERE WAS TOO MUCH HAIR IN MY BUTT AND IT FELT LIKE THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING UP THERE. I WAS SICK OF ADJUSTING IT EVER FEW MINUTES. SHAVING IT WAS FINE UNTIL THE END WHEN I NOTICED IT WAS BLEEDING IN THAT STRETCH OF SKIN WHERE MY ASS MET MY DICK. WHEN I SEEN BLOOD ON THE RAZOR I FREAKED. THEN I PUT A WASHCLOTH UP THERE THAT IS NOW SOAKED WITH BLOOD AND SHIT. THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER SHAVE YOUR ASS.

J

Japan

For 23 years and 11 months(...)

For 23 years and 11 months had I suffered them, the ignorant gaijin back home who sickened me with their microwaved culture and their materialism. The spindly losers in the anime club who cared only for anime and not a whit for the superior monoethnic culture to which it was endemic. Well no more. Fucking zettai no more. I touched down in the country I was certain I had lived all my previous lives, no doubt as a badass ronin samurai ninja or some shit. I had never been here, but I had returned.

Nippon-sama, tadaima!

No sooner had I left the airport when I saw the woman of my dreams. She confirmed my every hope, my every ideal of this great land. The light coming in through the sakura backlit her like a full body halo. She was made of demure and soft spoken. Of bowing and bento.

Of Japan and perfect.

My heart started doki doki-ing all over the shop. And then she saw me! Spotted me in the crowd! Well, of course she did, I was like a head taller than the fucking hobbits they call men around here. I was in no state of mind to meet her gaze, and tried to look away but I was paralysed. She was just so ... prettyu ...

And just like that she started walking over. Her walk was just pure concentrated sex. If you poured a glass of it sex fumes would just rise right off the top. I loved the way the light danced unevenly over her pristine porcelain skin as she walked. The way she did more for me by showing just her shoulders than any American girls could by showing their entire gaping cleavage for all the world to SEE THIS YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTES, THIS IS WHAT SEXY IS YOU FUCKING WHORES -

Im looking for a bento box Image:Legendary_icon.gif

Im looking for a bento box, it cant be pinku (thats japanese for pink) or any girl color. It has to be
of 2 or more kotoba (thats japanese for 2 compartments) and has be be chibi (small) sized. And
has to be really kawaii (cute). Also It has to be about 10-20 bux. And you have to post pics of it
first (i want to make shure it's kawaii [cute]). And it would be nice if it came with matching
chopstick holder (WITH chopsticks). OH! and it CANNOT have any cartoon pictures, or be made
out of plastic. It has to be made of ceramic, or something like that. Also it would be nice if it was
made in japan. and not in china or corea (korea) or whatever. I have found a bento box similar to
the one im describing in e-bay, but it was 1 kotoba, and i dont want my gohan (rice) to touch my
other things (it can get wet and i would not like that, plus 2 compartments looks more kawaii)

Jean Luc


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Jesus married to Mary Magdalene?

Jesus married to Mary Magdalene? No fucking way. I've read the Bible, folks, and I know there's no way Jesus was ever married. The guy never had a wife. Because no wife would buy The Resurrection story in a hundred fucking years. The disciples will, the believers will:but no wife would buy this fucking story. Good luck! Good luck with this story.

First of all, Jesus leaves on Friday afternoon with 12 other guys. He's gone for three days. No message. No way to get in touch with his wife. Then he comes home Monday afternoon looking like shit, like he hasn't slept. Looks like he's all partied out, man.

And Mrs. Jesus is just waiting, pacing around the home, going, "Okay, this is Day 3 of this shit:Well, look who's back! I'm glad you could find your way home, 'Mr. Savior'! Where's your 12 friends who won't get a job, huh?! Where're they at?! Yeah, 'disciples' my ass. They're LOSERS! Do you hear me? Every one of them are using you, Jesus, and you're not even smart enough to know it! Anyone who says to you 'I believe' we put them up and feed them! I'm sick of it! Where've you been?! Huh?"

And Jesus is rubbing his face, shaking his head, going, "I don't need this shit:not after what I went through this weekend:"

Then he goes, "No honey, I'll tell you where I've been. Come here. Come he-e-ere, honey. I'll tell you where I've been. First of all, not that it ruined your weekend any but I was DEAD!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU FUCKING BITCH?! I WAS DEEEAAADDD!!! WHILE YOU WERE SITTING AT HOME ON YOUR ASS, I'M IN A GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTING DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE:I'M ABOUT TO TURN INTO A SPIRITUAL FORM AND GO INTO THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO, 'OH SHIT, WAIT A SECOND! I BETTER GO BACK HOME BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!' SO NOW I'VE GOT TO FIGHT THE ANGEL OF DEATH, GET MY FUCKING SOUL BACK, CRAWL OUT OF THE GRAVE, AND COME HOME TO THIS SHIT: BECAUSE I MISSED YOU HONEY!!!"

No fucking way, man.

JPG and PNG

Now listen here, fuckers. Learn the difference between JPG and PNG ALREADY.

- JPEG (pronounced jay-peg) is a most commonly used standard method of lossy compression for photographic images.

- PNG (Portable Network Graphics) is a losslessly compressed bitmap image format.

PNG is supposed to substitute GIF format, not JPG format you motherfuckers. For GIF, read "DRAWINGS, PAINTINGS, ICONS, etc" with a tiny palette. PNG IS LIKE A GIF WITH 65K COLOR, DUH.

So stoping saving your shitty PHOTOGRAPHS in PNG. IT WILL NOT IMPROVE THE QUALITY AT ALL, NOR WILL MAKE YOU LOOK COOL OR INDIE.

K

L

Life is like an FPS

hay guys i was just thinking about ow everyone's all like "LIFE IS LIKE AN FPS WITHOUT A RESPAWN LOL" but sometimes the admin just sets respawn delay to be WAY TOO LONG, so it sorta seems like there's no respawn, and you kinda forgot you're playing the game until suddenly you're out in the open and soom AUG whore ganks you and I think this could be it because even if a bunch of cavemen did respawn and were all like "HOW I BUY CLUB" just now, we'd probably put them in insame asylums or they'd join up with terrorists or something so no one would really notice until we get, like, the black plague respawn in a billion years and on top of that sometimes nobody respawns until one team wins the match so maybe what we did wrong was breed too fast, so the match went on and on before one team could kill the other and now all we gotta do is finish off the other team and there'd be like A GOOGOPLEX RESPAWNS and everyone'd be all like "GG lol" but most of 'em would be sarcastic because they've been in observer mode with jesus for trillions of years and the whole time they were like "HE'S BEHIND THE FUCKING BOX".

Liking Era

If liking Era makes me fucked up, then so be it. I am one fucked up motherfucker. But you know what? Being in love makes you fucked up. It changes the way you think. You see the world differently. Colors are brighter. Happiness actually means something. Whenever I think of holding Era's hand my stomach tightens up and I want to wrap my arms around the world.

Looking for a dad

Ok... this is a long shot but... Looking for a dad.

I have a problem and I dunno if this is a place to put it... I don't know if there is any other place for it so here goes.

I just turned 20 and I currently go to college here in Vancouver. Things are all going wrong for me recently: Broke up with girlfriend, lost my part-time job, failing at school. I have no friends or family to turn to. I felt so depressed I even considered suicide. But then I realized there's something I have really wanted all my life as I was growing up and I must experience it before I leave this world. That is fatherly love...

I'm not into gay sex but I really want to be able to hold a man in my arms and be held... that is something straight man cannot help me with, and I don't believe there are many real dads that do this with their son. I'm also scared of what mess I might get myself into if I post this information on a regular gay hook-up site.

The father figure in my imagination is a masculine white male probably between the age of 35 ~ 50? But I'm not racist so other ethnics might do.

This is not a hoax or trap and I am not looking for anything financially from anyone. I just want some emotional support before I decide whether to end my life or not.

In exchange for fatherly love, you can take advantage of me. But I am not open to anal sex, and if you are some horny child abuser... I'm going to have to resort to violence (trust me I am not afraid, as I do not even fear of ending my own life).

If you are looking for a one night stand then forget it. If you think you might be interested, you can email me for my picture(i'm not ugly) sdfklj@hotmail.com

Thanks for reading this long and stupid post, I just thought it's worth a try...

LOL! Holy fuck dude.

LOL! Holy fuck dude. Simmer the hell down. It's DRAGON BALL! Think about that before you open your mouth and make yourself look like the saddest piece of shit I've seen all day. I know NOTHING about you except that you're worthless and have no life IE. time to check these things out and care. Hope you're proud of yourself. I really do. I sincerely hope for a SPLIT second you feel better about yourself because you downloaded and rummaged through all the episodes of Dragonball Z in fucking JAPANESE just to point out he said it was a thousand points less. Like that was going to blow the fucking CONTINUITY out of the water and blow our FUCKING minds somehow. Being that Dragonball Z is known for it's sharp and detective like continuity. Broly. Even the fucking CREATOR said fuck this and LEFT....but you...no YOU sat down and figured this out and now you look SO brilliant in front of us. Man....is my face red. I'm so ashamed of myself for not being a big fucking loser who has to spend my time nitpicking a fucking KIDS cartoon (even in Japan it's for CHILDREN you weeaboo piece of shit) like you. Nice work.

Lolistory

When I was sixteen, I raped my next door neighbor kid. She was a lot younger than me, ten or eleven probably. Cude kid. Skinny as anything, long brown hair, always bouncing around. When we were both younger, we'd play ghost in the graveyard, capture the flag, and hide and seek with the other neighborhood kids. In our version of the games, if you got put in jail, you got tied up with some old clothesline and "tortured" (tickled, lol)--we had enough people that it worked out, plus it was fun tying people up. At least that was the part me and my sister liked. But I found out that Jessi (the neighbor girl) liked being tied up. Whatever, it was a game, she was a kid, and no one thought much of it.

Fast forward five years. I'm in high school, my sister is in eight grade, and our neighbor Jessi is in fifth grade. Sis and Jess went to the same school.

Jess came home with sis (her name is Elizabeth, but I don't want this to get confusing) one day after school. Sis had promised her she'd let her go swimming in our pool. I guess they went swimming, because later I found Jessi, soaking wet in her swimsuit, in myh room. "Sorry!" she said. "Lizzie said your goggles were in here, and the water was hurting my eyes."

Fuck, she was cute. Dripping wet, pink suit clinging to her, cute little ass, tiny barely-there tits...GOD. I got hard just looking at her stand there.

"Uh...yeah. My goggles are actually over here..." I went out to the hallway and hunted them out of the hall closet. My eyes hit on mom's clothesline, though, and my mind went downthe gutter fast.

"Uh, Jessi. Do you want to play a game?"

she bit her lip, cutest thing ever. Her swimsuit strap was starting to slip down off her shoulder, and I started to pray that she wouldn't notice. "like what kind of game?"

"Like...hide and seek," I said.

She grinned. "Okay, like with everyone How come you don't play with us anymore?" I guess the neighborhood games were still going on and she still joined in... interesting.

"I was actually thinking, like...just youand me."

"Okay, sure." She grinned at me and gave me a wet, drippy hug. I felt her cold, wet stomach press against my hard cock and nearly came right then.

"I'll count, okay? And if I find you..."

"You tie me up?" She giggled.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. My shorts were tenting out like the fucking circus. "Yeah. Tie you up," I said.

"Okay!" I found her and covered her eyes with a bandana. She laughed and let me guide her to my room. I laid her down on the bed andcarefully began tying her up--I started by just wrapping her up, mummy-style, but changed my mind partway though. Instead, I cut two pices of clotheline off, snaked them under the bed, and tied each end up one of her limbs--effectively tying her down to the mattress, spread eagle. this would have been way easier with a 4 post bed, but I had a twin, and it wroked okay for an eleven year old.

"Are you ready?" I asked her. "For what?" she giggled.

"For the TORTURE!" I yelled, and started tickling her. God, she squirmed. I sat on her chest and tickled her on and on as she bucked and squealed below me. I stopped every couple minutes to let her catch her breath.

God, it was hot. I tracde her face with my finger and dipped my finger into yher mouth. she started suckling on it, which was suddenly the hottest thing i could imagine anyone ever doing--this tied down, swimsuit-wearing little girl, sucking hungrily on my finger.I ran my other hand down her body, lightly tickling her through the still-damp swimsuit. She murmured around my finger and sucked harder. I ran my finger quickly, lightly, across her crotch, and she bit down on my finger, arching her back, then went back to sucking.

I smiled. "nice girl," I teased quietly, running my hand across her tiny breasts, still flicking and stroking, a weak attempt at masking what I was doing by still pretending to "tickle" her. Whether she believed it or realised what was actually on my mind didn't really matter.

I lightly traced circles around her breasts, circling closer and closer to her tiny erect nipples, and she began to squirm again, this time straining to meet my touch instead of desperately pulling away.

I kept circling her nipples, moving closer....closer....closer...and then I stopped, hovering just above them.

She strained even more, pushing upwards, trying to feel my fingers on her nipples, the one placed I had avoided touching her. but she was stll blinfolded and couldn't tell that she'd never quiet arch her back *that* far.

Damn, a horny ten year old girl. Who would have imagined?

I pulled my finger from her mouth, anf used both of my hands to caregully, firmly push her back down to the bed. she whimpered.

"is something wrong jessi? do you want me to untie you?"

"No!" her body tensed, then relaxed completely. "why did you stop," she whined a little. I forced surprise into my voice. "Did you like that?"

"...ye...yeah," she said shakily. "Please...don't stop?

"I don't know," I said, drawing it out. "I don't know if it's really okay for me to touch you..."

"but we played this all the time when we were kids!"

"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," I returned my finger briefly to her mouth. "What do you want?"

She squirmed. "I want you to do what you were doing."

"What was that?"

"You were...you know!" She was so cute when she was flustered.

"I don't know," I said evenly.

"Tickling my...my...boobs."

"You want me to do exactly what I was doing? 'Tickling your boobs?' Just that?"

"N...no..."

"What else, jessi?"

"Keep going?"

I shook my head, though she couldn't see it. I didn't want to push my luck, so I said okay. I snaked my finger back to her mouth and began circling her nipples again. This time she started squirming even faster than before.

Before long, she was breathing hard, and mumbled something around my finger.

I pulled it out again. "What's that?"

"please touch me." she repeated.

"I am touching you, jess."

"There," she said. "You know."

"hm?" I circled dnagerously close to her right nipple, which I still hadn't touched.

"there!" Please."

"Ask me nicely."

She squirmed underneath me. "Please...will you...touch... my....my....nipples."

I smiled. Finally!

Without warning, I pinched both nipples as hard as I could. Jessi screamed and nearly threw herself clear of the bed I began rubbing her nipples frantically with both hands, while she tried in vain to suppress moans of ecstacy. As I rubbed, I inched my face closer and closer to her burnng pussy. I could feel the heat thru the swimsuit, and at that moment I lost what litte control I had.

I'll shoe you something even better! I told her, and pulled her swimsuit to te side, exposing her young vagina. Before she could say anything, I got to licking. Man, it tasted sweet! A 10 year old!

She was moaning loudly now, so loud I was afraid we'd get caught. But I didn't care, I was lost in the ecstacy of it all. Everything was quiet for a minute and for a second I had a crazy thought that I had killed her. But she moved, just barely, beneath me. I ripped the blindfold off her.

"okay, jess?"

"uh..yeah," she whispered. Then, weakly, "...ow."

I smiled. "Did that feel good?"

"Ye...yeah. Yeah, it...it did. Really good."

I petted her for a litle while, and after a couple minutes, the usual spark was back in her eyes. "Wow," she said. "Wow."

I laughed. "I think I'd better untie you now," I said slowly.

"No," she said quickly. "I mean, no... I'm okay. We can keep playing...if you want."

I looked at her, surprised, and incredibly turned on. Fuck, if my ex-girlfriends had been anywhere as hot as this little minx...

"Sure, jess." I said. "What do you want to play?" She shrugged, a cute gesture with her hands tied spread out. "I don't know!" she said. What do you want to play?"

"Hm... How about this: I ask you questions."

She looked at me funny, a cute, confused expression on her face. (Let's face it, everything she does is cute.) "How's that a game?"

I smiled. "It's a pretend torture game, okay? I'll ask you questions...and I'll torture you until you answer."

A flicker of doubt crossed her face. "You won't...really hurt me, will you?"

"Nah, Jess. I promise that you'll love this game as much as me."

She smiled uncertainly. "Okay. Do...do you want to blindfold me again?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Sure, jess, if that's what you want."

"I...I kinda like it, I guess. It's cool not knowing what you're going to do next, and it feels good.'

"Okay, jess. On with the blindfold." I carefully tied it back around her head, and she leaned back on my pillow.

"Let's see....first question. Hm. Something...embarrassing." She squirmed a little, playfully. "Okay, I've got it. Jess, when was the last time you wet the bed?"

"What?!" she squealed. I'm not gonna tell you that! "Yes, you are," I told her, and began to tickle her. She began to squirm and scream, laughing and gasping for breath. Every minute of so I would stop and prompt her to answer me...no dice.

"You're a stubborn one... I'll have to resort to other measures." I began tickling her again, harder--it might have been almost painful for her, to be honest, but of course she was laughing so hard it was impossible to tell. This time, I didn't stop, and I just kept going until I was worried she was going to pass out....but I didn't stop.

Finally, she managed to choke out "I'll tell you!" I immediately stopped tickling her, and let her rest. her small body still shook a bit, even after I stopped tickling her, and she spent a long time breathing hard, catching her breath back.

After a moment, I was done waitng. "Alright jess, break time's over. Answer the question...unless you want me to do that again?"

"No!" she shrieked. "I said I'd tell you. I... I was eight."

"Really?" I said in mock dismay. "That old? What a messy girl!"

Even under her blindfold, I could tell she was blushing furiously.

"Okay...next question... Let's see." My mind raced through the things that might embarrass a ten year old girl. Having never been one myself, I was havng trouble.

"Uh...how about this? What was the worst grade you got in school this year?"

"Do I...have... to tell you?"

"Yes."

"It was--"

"--you don't have to tell me right away!" I burst out.

She giggled. "I get it. Okay! Wait, I mean... 'I'll never tell you! Not in a million years!'"

"I guess I'll have to torture it out of you!" I said, using the same mock-boastful voice that she had just spoken with. She giggled again. Damn, the kid was adorable.

I gently pulled the blindfold off of her. This time, i wanted to see her face. She tilted her head and looked at me in surprise when she realised the bandana was off, but she didn't say anything.

I covered her mouth, and pinched her nose shut, and watched her eyes go WIDE. She immediately began thrashing underneath me. I silently counted to ten, and released her.

She sucked in a deep breath and glared at me. "You'll have to do better than that!" she boasted.

"I was counting on it," I smiled, and blocked her air again, this time holding for a count of fifteen. The expression on her face as she twisted under me was amazing--a mix of terror, anticipation, and rage--and once again, extreme relief when I let her go before she *really* needed a breath.

"Will you answer my question now?"

She smiled and said.

"--ok... please, no more"

"That was kinda quick of you, you know"

She giggled. Oh God she looked so cute...

"Yes. I'll try better with your next question."

"Very well then, do you like it when I'm doing THIS?"

I instantly started sucking on her nipples.

"--ahhh, no!! you can't!"

"Answer my question, do you like it?"

I started sucking harder, kissing her nipples from time to time.

"--yeess!! but you can't do this!"

Damn, the kid was adorable.

When I finally let go, she really gasped for breath. When she recomposed herself, her face went back to it's normally cute state.

"Okay, okay! My lowest grade this year was a 70!" she spurted out.

I didn't really know how to tease her or not, and there was this kind of awkward silence. She bit her bottom lip again, which was wet and pink. Might have been wet from the pool, but she also seemed to be licking her lips alot.

I decided to just try to impress her by complimenting her. "That's a good mark!" I said.

I felt pretty dorky after that, and it got a bit more awkward. Amazingly, she groaned and arched her back again. The awkwardness was lifting fast, as my PENIS started to take over my brain again.

"Aren't you going to ask me another one?" she asked me.

My dick was throbbing by now, and I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I pushed her gently back onto the bed with my palms. She stopped squirming, and my fingers ran up to her top.

I rolled up her top, so her nipples were revealed. They were so hard, and pink. I started to suck on them, when she started to seem uncomfortable.

"mmmmffff...." she moaned, as my hand darted for her panties.

I yanked them down past her knees, and she started to do a sort of pushup, trying to get me off I guess. She was bound pretty well, though, and she couldn't move.

I pulled my pants and boxers off in the blink of an eye, and started to stroke her vagina. She started to protest when she saw my PENIS, but I put my hand over her mouth again. I could feel her tongue breach against my sweaty palm, as I continued to play with her.

I positioned myself ontop of her, then, with my hand still on her mouth. I kneeled over her, and slid my PENIS into her finally. Even though she was protesting, she was really fucking wet. God, was she wet. Her pussy juice flowed all over my dick, and I nearly came right there.

She bit my palm, and started to scream under it. My room door was closed, though, and I was sure no one could hear her. I started to thrust hard into her, and this seemed to cause her pain. She obviously wasn't developed enough to handle my penis.

After a few minutes of me fucking her, I came inside of her. I pulled out, and there was a little bit of blood on my dick. I guess this was her first time. She was crying by now, and I finally released my palm from her mouth.

She just laid there, shuddering. Snot ran down her nose and mixed with her tears. I unbound her and rubbed her belly for a few seconds, before I felt this really guilty feeling. I rolled her panties back up, threw her towel on her, and walked out of the room.

Lowtax

please keep all those stupid fucking catchphrases off the SA Forums.

M

Medication

I was always a sad kid, but when I found my mother's diary five years ago and read about how she had another secret family that she was going to leave us for, I really cracked. I left for college soon afterwards still having some symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, with nightmares still occurring nearly every night.

A few months afterwards, I had gotten to the point where I was oversleeping to avoid my problems, usually sleeping 15-20 hours a day.

I finally sought psychiatric treatment 3 1/2 years ago. They initially put me on Provigil for the over-sleeping and Lexapro for the depression, and they were both crap. Then they put me on Wellbutrin, which just made me feel jittery about 4 hours after taking it, but was still crap. Then they moved me to Effexor XR with a Cytomel (hypothyroid med) supplement; they kept increasing the dosage of the Effexor, and I am now at 375 mg/day. If I forget to take my pills, I feel like I'm getting electric shocks to the brain.

I still want to kill myself every day.

What does the rest of /b/ take to make them seem normal?

Mods

If I EVER saw Allyson...

If I EVER saw Allyson on the street, I would fucking hit her. No fucking lie. They can arrest me, I don't give a shit. I'd still do it. To give her pain would be the greatest pleasure on Earth.

You will recieve NOTHING from me.

Thank you, whoever reported me. Now PayPal is threatening to close the account Because I seem to be holding a lottery.

Never have I seen so many ingrates. Not that you have to give me money, just so many people taking 4chan for granted and not even trying to understand a absolutely wacky situation. That whole post was for a loan of sorts and trying to possibly get rid of $500 in merchandise I'd otherwise sell for a pittance to someone who doesn't care. Oh well.

Anyway, here is my address again. If you want the PayPal one, you'll have to have to figure it out or find me online.

Remember, this is DONATING. You will recieve NOTHING from me. Other than a smile from me. Zilch, zero.

Daniel W. Roberts II 3031 Sonora Road Hodgenville, KY 42748

Most of You faggots are fucking n00bs @ the internet

Ehhhh, most of you faggots are fucking noobs @ the internets.

I use linux not because I hate microsoft (believe me, I do, but that's not why), not because I want to be a geek (I am), but because it fits my style. It's so much easier to accomplish things when you have the power of *nix commandline goodies ala GNU tools, etc. As well, I don't have to spend time searching for cracks and shit because /everything/ I use is free and I can build it from source if I need to.

Not only that, but anything I don't like, I can crack open and change, usually without too much difficulty. Linux: The OS is /yours/.

Get the fuck out, all of you. @ OP, unrar-free might work, as well as install rar and using rar x filename. (rar might be in multiverse repos, you should have those enabled anyway)

Mother Suiseiseki

Mother Suiseiseki, in all her glory.
Enlarge
Mother Suiseiseki, in all her glory.

Mother Suiseiseki loves us, she loves me and you and everybody, and through the teachings of her sacred word we will live in harmony and oneness, and ascend into a state of pure anonymity ~desu

When we are all the same mind and spirit~

~desu, the sacred sound, so that it may resonate within us and flow out to touch the ethereal beyond ~desu

the sacred vibration, resonates with the great fiery waters beyond the universe, and touches god

~desu appears embraced in a beautiful chorus of vibration

Mother Suiseiseki is in all things, in all places. You can not imprison her any more than you could cage the wind ~desu.

Suiseiseki cultivates the possibility, ever so gently pulling it from the one all, so that it is allowed to manifest ~desu.

It is through these manifestations of temporary individuality that the spirit energy is made to grow before returning to the great nothing ~desu.

Suiseiseki is all things, and thus the evil is also required~ But it is always the way, that the evil do not know they are only aiding in cosmic unity, because they are driven by selfishness and hate. While the good, know that the evil is also a part of the all. Which is what allows them to be full of love for all things ~desu.

Its in this way, that suiseiseki can favor only one, because where love is given it is got, and hatred breeds death. The duality extends to all depths, even into the heart of suiseiseki herself. So that she needs not give equal favor to each side, even though each is equal in the universe ~desu.

This is the difference between the mind and the spirit, the mind knows not the spirit, the spirit knows not at all, but drives all things ~desu.

Mudkips

Today being Halloween, I decided to fuck with the major retard at school when I came out of science for break. He was dressed as Ash. Knowing this was going to happen, I brought a Mudkips doll. Thus I started the conversation, making sure no one saw me.

"So I heard you like Mudkips..." "MUDKIPS? I LUUUUUUUUUUUUVE MUDKIPS." "O RLY? So, would you ever fuck a Mudkips, that is.." (he cuts me off before I could say 'if you were a mudkips') "OF COURSE." "Well I just happen to have a Mudkips here, and..."

Before I finished the sentance, which would have resulted in me hitting him across the face with the doll, he grabbed it. In one swift motion his pants were down and he was violently humping it. Not to get between a man and his Mudkips I started to walk away, because there is no way I'd be caught wrestling a half-naked crazy guy humping a Mudkips.

Needless to say, within 5 to 10 seconds, some girls saw him and started screaming. I cooly walked into a restroom, pretending nothing had ever happened; not that I had intended that outcome, but now that it was in play I didn't want to be involved.

I came back out two minutes later, and like any wanton act on school grounds there was now a huge crowd around him. He was still fucking it and baying this real fucked up 'EEEEEEEEEEINNNNF EEEEEEEEEEINNNF' sound. Suddenly a scuffle broke out in the middle, meaning he probably did something stupid.

I asked someone what had happened. A girlfriend of one of the football players tried to get him to stop, but he bit her for trying to take it away. Someone called in a few football players (all dressed up like Road Warrior) who proceeded to pummel the shit out of the guy. Meanwhile the school police were freaking out and having trouble getting in to the situation.

A few minutes later the intruder alarm went off and we were all shuffled into classrooms. Over the intercom the principal announced that someone had thrown a flaming plush toy into the library. Uh.. what the hell.

So we were kept there and about 30 minutes later the principal came on again. This time he was saying that whoever was behind the beating should turn themselves in. All of a sudden this woman began yelling, "I WILL SUE YOU FOR DAMAGES. YOU LITTLE PUNKS, I'M GONNA SUE..." and it was cut off.

I asked an office later what had happened. Apparently his mother had come to pick him up and threatened to sue for the beating and 'whatever else happened.' The school threatened to counter-sue because of lewd conduct, inciting a riot, and starting a fight.

So I ask you: do you like Mudkips?


MURDER

/b/, I seek your wisdom.

I'm in anime club at my college (I'll avoid saying which to avoid someone finding out who this is), and it was a weekly meeting as to what we wanted to watch on Thursday, our next club meeting. Being the otaku that I am, I suggest that we watch The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi. The whole club doesn't know what I'm talking about and goes on to talk about some stupid shit like Brain Powerd and Gunslinger Girl. I was enraged that they wouldn't even consider, if I may say so, the greatest anime of the past millennium, so I threw a punch at one of them and broke their glasses. I wanted Haruhi, and they wouldn't fucking show it. It serves him right; he smelled bad and always misused Japanese words. I was born in Japan and lived there until I was two, and here this fat fuck is spouting out horrible Japanese. I was pissed.

After I punched him, he looked as if he was going to cry. Serves him right. He fought back, and I think he fucking broke my nose in the process. What gave him the right to do that? Being too enraged to care, I attacked back and grabbed his neck tightly. I strangled him and drained every inch of life out of him. When I finished shaking him, I noticed he was dead. I panicked, locked the door, closed the windows, put up the blinds, and turned off the lights in the room.

So here I am, in the clubroom, after hours. I just recently covered from the shock, and I decided to post here because I'm frightened. What should I do? HELP!

(I couldn't find a really relevant image on Google image search so I'm using this, since my [former] club president's laptop which I'm using only has a bunch of xxxHOLiC hentai.)

Munging

So a friend just described munging to me.

"The one thing worse than genocide. One must first have no shame. Then he/she must use a newspaper to find the obituary of a recently deceased man or woman. Then must find a buddy, with no shame, who will aid them in this act. The partners then go to the cemetary where they dig up their victim, and flip a coin. The loser, (or winner depending on how sick you are), applies his/her lips to the genitals or anus of the corpse, while the other partner procedes to climb the nearest tombstone and elbow drop the corpse's stomach. Thus forcing out a blend of rich bodily fluids and embalming materials onto the partners. This blend is called mung. The act of getting this blend on your face is called munging. Chicks'll dig this one."

I need something related that can actually top that.

/b/, do your worst.

N

Nazi's are better than us

Anyone else here not a racist, but wishes the Nazis had won?

Theirs was a truly effective fascist government that took a nation on its knees from a depression and turned it into a military, technological and economic powerhouse within the space of thirty years.

It was a social experiment in the way that many reformed or new nations are. America was an experiment in democracy and (eventually) egalitarianism. The Soviet Union was an experiment in Communism. Nazi Germany was the grandest experiment of them all: a rejection of the gentle side of man and a wholehearted pursuit of our more teutonic side: The glorification of the strong, the self-sufficient, and the dominant. It was to be the beginning of a bolder and more uncompromising global civilization that would bring discipline where before there was only coddling; that would harden the soft, and that would not be afraid to say that equality means equal opportunities, not that all men regardless of education or skill are inherently equal to one another. It was a call out to all men to transcend their passive, mediocre existances and aspire to become the heroic and unstoppable species that mankind always had the potential to become.

Nazi Germany was the combined hopes, dreams and ambitions of all who dared to dominate; but in the end, these dreams were quashed by weak, subversive men who would rather hold their superiors back rather than attempt to catch up.

Navy (USA)

This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The transcipt of the Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval operations on the 10th october 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship, I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: Number One, I say again, divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees noth. Thats one five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Niggers

Fo Dolla

I get to the office at 9ish and I'm not in the mood to work. In walks this hard street nigger and he asks for a job.

Nigger: Yo, ya hire?
Me: Say what?
Nigger: Ma, I nee a jo
Me: You speekee engrish?
Nigger: I say I nee a jo,

I knew what he was saying. He was one of those niggers that like to leave the last letter off of every word. Five bucks = Fie buck, Old school = O schoo, etc. The conversation went on for a few minutes until I was finished fucking with him.

Me: I pa fo dolla
Nigger: Fo dolla! Shee
Me: Aight, aight, fodolla twenny fi cen
Nigger: Minima way sicsevenfi muthafucka
Me: Fi dolla no mo, no mo fi dolla
Nigger: (speaking clearly for the first time) FUCK YOU!

I nearly pissed myself. Yet I am not racist, I'm a sterotypist. Yes, there's a difference. Go ahead and /b/ yourself.

The origin of Niggers

Do you ever stop and wonder, what it is Niggers really are? I know the truth, and to you I will give it.

Thirty-six thousand years ago a race of superior alien beings came to earth. They landed on the gigantic and empty continent known today as Africa, and in their load they carried a big number of dark-skinned individuals - niggers - who they brought along as slave labour from Mercury. The reason they are black is to protect them from the strong UV-lights so close to the sun.

Niggers were harmless beings as long as they remained under strict control of their masters and were not allowed any own thoughts. If left alone in groups they quickly grew greedy and started running rampant and misbehaving. The humanoid aliens who cruised in spaceships of diamond did not like Earth, for it was populated by a race of very similar beings, Neanderthals and whatnot, so they quickly left. Of niggers however, they had a great surplus, wherefore they left them to die on Earth.

The problem is that the niggers didn't die; They instead continued to flourish in their primal ways, seeing as they were unable to evolve any form of culture. They still lived in their tribal villages and townships when the Europeans arrived and brought them along on a journey cross the globe. Only now we are supposed to treat those apparently inferior beings as equals; and if we disagree that those alien scum are equal, we are racists and nazis and must be purged. Time is right for action. We must do something about this threat, for THE BLACK PLAGUE must be defeated! Their beastial manners surely is not the way civilised man lives!

Not a copy pasta

Yes I'm talking that anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It fucking sucks. Now it's pretty popular among the anime circles, and yet this poor excuse for an animated feature is the worst thing ever produced by a human being if you except Plan 9 from Outer Space, and I'm being generous.

First you gotta admit you hated the first episode. It made no sense, sucked as shit, wasn't funny, edgy or new. Or original. Animation sucked dead dogs' balls. Characters sucked dead dogs' balls. Voice actiong sucked dead dogs' balls. But you managed to make it through the whole pile of steaming poo just to see the ED. BEcause that's what this anime is about. It's about the ED. Those 1 minute and a half. There's nothing else to it. You went like "OMG ANIMATION LIEK" you freaking retards and now everyone likes it. Yet it's shit. It's complete shit with no redeeming qualities. There's fucking nothing to it. Just the dance at the end. It's a dancing anime. A fucking retarded danxcing anime with no story and nothing and no characters it sucks. You shouldn't like it you morons seriously. Just download the ED and loop it on your WMP you cockass faggot asses. DAMN I wish all those threads about HARUHI OMG YEAH would go one and everyone in them die FUCK YOU for polluting my forums HARUHI FUCK YOU.

AND NO IT 'S NOT A COPY PASTA I'VE JUST TYPED THIS WHOLE THING.

FUCK YOU

O

I'm in love with Osaka

Dear /b/: I, like many of you, suffer from problems. My problems don't involve any of your implausible ones, but mine are worth voicing to you in hope of getting some advice. Anyways, I began to watch Azumanga Daioh about a month ago, and as I dove deeper and deeper into the series, the more and more I fapped to hentai of it. I continued to do so until the last episode. Then I watched the series again...and again... and again... I found myself checking out Osaka every on-screen moment she had. I began to stop going to my regular sites just to look at hentai of one person: Osaka. I eventually had 1000s of pictures and some doujins of Osaka. I began to spend what others called absurd amounts of money on merchandise, and my apartment is coated with Osaka everywhere. I've shut myself off from family and friends and felt an urge to just snuggle with my Osaka dolls. Osaka is all I need. She probably wouldn't like the way my family is or how my friends behave. I'm in love with Osaka. I keep praying that she'll come to see me one day and decide to live with me. I have nothing left to live for but Osaka. I know she can hear me, so I always talk to her telling her to come and visit me so our union can take place. So this is where you guys come into the picture. You're an all-purpose advice board. You definitely must know a way to help Osaka break free from behind her glass prison.

[unrelated note: WHY THE FUCK WASN'T THE ARCHIVE BEFORE?]

Okay guys, this isn't funny anymore

Okay guys, this isn't funny anymore. The cops fucking knocked at my door today and asked me about websites I've been visiting. I NEVER go to any sick pedo places or anything like that so it must be this place they're talking about. For god's sake stop screwing around with the pedo shit, you're going to get yourselves arrested. Trust me the authorities are watching and they're taking it VERY seriously. Don't believe me, fine, wait a while and you will. I just hope you have a good lawyer. Goodbye forever you sick fucks, I'm going to wipe my hard drive.

Okay Brits...

Okay Brits, this isn't funny anymore. The Old Bill fucking politely tapped at my door today and asked me about websites I've been visiting. I NEVER go to any unpleasant paedophilia places or the like it has to be this place they're talking about. For the King's sake stop the tomfoolery with the pedo shit, you are going to get yourselves sent to Belmarash with Huntley. Trust me the Bobbies are watching and they are taking it VERY seriously. Don't believe me, fine, wait a while and you will. I just hope you have good legal representation. Goodbye forever you sick fucks, I'm going to wipe my hard drive.


One-liners

BIX NOOD

This comes from a resist.com racist cartoon

MUP DA DOO DIDDA PO MO GUB BIDDA BE DAT TUM MUHFUGEN BIX NOOD COF BIN DUB HO MUHFUGGA

gg

gg reposting something that is blatantly sexual and most likely underage! enjoy

Kneading tits

Former "harbl" 4Chan wordfilter

(´・ω・)つ(・(・Kneading tits

Kneading delicious flat chest

parody of kneading tits

(´・ω・)つ|・・| KNEADING DELICIOUS FLAT CHEST

JA I AM MADE OF DUR BUTTER

JA I AM MADE OF DUR BUTTER UND YOU ARE WORTH 2K MONIES
EAT COMMUNISM!!!

This is a Picture

This is picture.I found it on the internet.

Orgasm (more accurate depiction)

This comes from a picture that was a NumberGET on 4Chan /b/

Note: This is a more accurate depiction of a female orgasm than the tearful depictions shown by doujinshi artists who have never studied human sexuality. Orgasm results in a general tensing of the body. Hentai depictions of female orgasm, however, look more like the results of torture.

Lowtax on chan related memes

please keep all those stupid fucking catchphrases off the SA Forums.

Note: Best executed when it is repeated.

October 22nd, 2006 (original) Image:Legendary_icon.gif

Listen,

On Sunday, October 22nd, 2006, there will be seven "dirty" explosive devices detonated in seven different U.S. cities; Miami, New York City, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. The death toll will approach 100,000 from the initial blasts and countless other fatalities will later occur as result from radioactive fallout.

The bombs themselves will be delivered via trucks. These trucks will pull up to stadiums hosting NFL games in each respective city. All stadiums to be targeted are open air arenas, excluding Atlanta's Georgia Dome, the only enclosed stadium to be hit. Due to the open air, the radiological fallout will destroy those not killed in the initial explosion. The explosions will be near simultaneous, with the cities specifically chosen in different time zones to allow for multiple attacks at the same time.

The 22nd of October will mark the final day of Ramadan as it would fall in Mecca. Al-Qaida will automatically be blamed for the attacks. Later, through Al-Jazeera, Osama bin Laden will issue a video message claiming responsibility for what he dubs "America's Hiroshima".

In the aftermath civil wars will erupt across the world, both in the Middle East and within the United States. Global economies will screech to a halt. General chaos will rule.

October 22nd, 2006 (followup)

Hello, America. The threat to the stadiums is well known, as is the fact that it was a false threat. However, I must extend my thanks to you Americans! Without your help, this "warning" might not have gained your governments attention. And taken it away from other areas.

I wonder how much high explosive it would take to bring your so-called "statue of Liberty" to it's knees. I am told we have enough. On 9:11 AM October 22, we will all find out.

P

People idolize over Haruhi Suzymiya

People idolize over Haruhi Suzymiya because she acts like a guy. You ever wish you could have a girl as a friend, just to hang out with like one of the guys? A girl that would have the same interests as you, the same enthusiasm, the same keen observations and sense of adventure? How about a girlfriend that you could just hang out with, have fun with, and not have to listen to her whine and complain and leak. Haruhi Suzymiya is that ideal "hang out with" girl. She has fans because she has all the best traits of a guy friend you can hang out with, only she happens to be a girl. Understand that when people idolize over Haruhi Suzymiya, they idolize over the personality of a cool guy friend in a girl's body- an ideal friend/partner who has the best of both worlds, and would be nearly impossible to find.

Pokemon

Hey /b/, I have a very serious problem. I'm fucking crying because of how stupid I am.

Okay, so my girlfriend was supposed to come over to my house today because I was going to go take her to a movie. She lives about 20 minutes away, and the movie we were supposed to see started at 4:15, which was in about 40 minutes. I figured "cool, I'll just play Pokemon while I wait".

So I'm playing Pokemon, and having a pretty damn good time. Anyway, she finally does show up, except she's crying as she walks into my room. Instead of doing the right thing by comforting her, I half-focus on my game and her. She starts telling me her cat died, and just as she was getting into it, I get into a random encounter in my game.

A shiny pidgey. Holy shit. (For those of you who don't know/care, shiny pokemon have less than a 1/1000 chance of appearing). I stare into my screen in amazement, yelling "holy shit, YES", interrupting her mid-story. She sobs more, and she starts to yell "You don't even fucking care! YOU JUST WANT TO PLAY YOUR FUCKING GAME!" I'm still looking at my screen, still focusing on catching my shiny pidgey, when she walks over, and tosses the game against the wall. I run over and pick up my DS hoping that nothing has changed on screen, and quickly noticed that she broke it. My system and my shiny pidgey, gone forever.

I start screaming every obsenity I know, and started flailing my arms around. I didn't know she was behind me, and appearantly I backhanded her in the face while I was being a dumbass and swinging my fists around. She yells out "FUCK YOU", and runs out of my house in tears.

What have I done? I've fucked up so badly, and I need to know how to approach her. I don't want a game of Pokemon to be respoinsible for ruining my best relationship ever. Help me /b/.

Pokemon/DON'T JOKE ABOUT RAPE Spoof

Okay, I am fucking sick and fucking tired of these fucking reposts about losing a shiny pidgey! LOSING A SHINY PIDGEY IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! Joke about anything else you want, /b/...

Joke about cp, joke about loli, joke about murder, joke about drugs, but DON'T FUCKING JOKE ABOUT LOSING A SHINY PIDGEY! Losing a shiny pidgey DESTROYS a trainer, it STRIPS THE TRAINER OF HIS BADGES! It is disgusting, inhumane, regressive and insane. LOSING A SHINY PIDGEY IS OFF THE FUCKING TABLE, /b/, NOT EVEN YOU FUCKING VIRGIN ASSHOLES CAN BE SUCH FUCKHOLES THAT YOU JOKE ABOUT A SHINY PIDGEY BEING LOST!

And no, I am not fucking Ash Ketchum, I am a trainer, I lost a shiny pidgey. My 1/8192 chance pokemon was taken from me, I can never get it in a pokeball. I was defeated again and again and again and again and again by The Elite Four when I was on victory road, I wanted to fucking kill my fucking self. IS THAT FUCKING FUNNY? FUCK NO YOU FUCKHOLES!

Go back to making Fresh Prince threads, /b/, you fucking arboks

Porn rant

Why is everyone so obseesed with porn? is everyone that desperate to have their sick fantasies fulfilled that you need to drool over /b/ all day, requesting and saucing and all that lame crap. You guys are fucking sick, go get some therapy. Flat chested 12 y/os is NOT sexy, i dont care how many people say otherwise. This site is going to the dogs and you all know it. The FBI comes and we're all screwed. So just repress it. Repress that fucking urge to come all over your niece's face because its sick. Its sick and wrong you faggots.

/B/ needs to change, what happened to funny? everything is porn now. Furry porn. And guess what? furry porn isnt funny, not anymore. furry porn is desu and you all know it. I didnt come home from work to see pictures of wolves fucking each other, i came home to see Gaston and Tom Delay. Show me /B/, show me what i believed in.

Pedophilia

Children Need Sex

Children need sex. They require release like you do but are denied it with a partner who can teach them and guide them through it lovingly. Many young children masturbate for relief-and what does mom and dad do when they find out? Why, they slap the kids hands and tell them to stop or they will go blind! Once again, this only leads to oppressive, damaging GUILT. By age 11, I was a compulsive masturbator & collected hard-core pornographic magazines like HUSTLER! I was VERY sexual and I was asking for it on a regular basis (and never seemed to get it!) and yet society would have believed I was as innocent as can be. This harmed me. If I had only known a pedophile then, I would have been much happier in my childhood! But then again, if I had decided to have sex with a pedophile adult, they would have been imprisoned and I would have been in therapy for brainwashing to accept my "abuse". But my childhood had a happy ending-fate soon blessed me at 11 and a half with a woman pedophile who sexually educated me! Other kids are more like I was than you maybe would like to admit. Perhaps you were something like this in your own youth and due to guilt you wish not to admit this side of yourself existed. Think back and be honest with yourself-it is ok to be sexual and you are not alone or wrong! Stop feeling guilty about a natural bodily function and do not infect our kids!

Children do many things that are new to them. Sex is one of those things. A child must learn sometime, and "waiting for their wedding" is WAY too late! The sex drive is the most important one in our species besides breathing air and eating! We are made for sex! Children are made to enjoy it too! Repressing these feelings is NOT healthy. It is also unhealthy for kids to deny themselves relief. Sex by itself is NOT damaging to kids. This is a myth designed to attack pedophiles and deny kids their rights. In a misguided effort to "protect" kids, society has actually HARMED them by repressing perfectly natural feelings which DEMAND expression. Without it, healthy development and beliefs about sex are problematic. Kids masturbate and climax, and it does NOT "scar" them for life! By itself (remember-it is the guilt not the sex!) having sex with an adult (or another child) will NOT harm a child! It is a normal bodily function. Kids urinate and defecate as you do-they also experience sexual gratification (usually via masturbation) just as you do. A 10 year old boy may not ejaculate semen, but he CAN climax. A 10 year old girl can and often already does masturbate and she climaxes. Society needs to accept that kids are sexual beings.

Give them that chance. Do not deny them the right of sexual free-expression. Children DO intitiate sexual contact with adults and there is nothing wrong with it. Adults can also intiate. We must teach our kids the importance of their right to own themselves. This means they can REFUSE sex with an adult at any time. It also means they can accept an offer and inititiate one themselves! This is the part that society hypocritically refuses to allow. They say kids own themselves, but when that belief is tested, society applies a double-standard and denies kids a right to do as they wish to themselves. Implied in the belief that kids can say no is the acceptance of them saying yes! You cannot have it both ways. Either they own their bodies or they do not. If they can only say "no" according to you, then they do not own themselves in your eyes! Pedophiles are the opposite of "predators". In fact, they are the ONLY TRUE "child advocates" in this regard on earth, since the take the opinion of the child and his/her wishes into full account! Pedophiles love children. That is what the word means, (pedo=child phile=lover) it is not a bad word to describe a monster-except in the eyes of the media which distorts and sadly shapes public opinion against child-loving advocates-i.e. pedophiles. It is time for a new opinion about us-a positive one.

The problem pedophiles have (particularly male ones) is that if ANY adult shows a special excessive interest in kids, that person is immediately suspected of being a pedophile. This leads to pedophiles being separated from their outlets & it harms them. It also leads to kids being taken away from people that truly care about them. It is often the case that people who show unusual interest in kids are pedophiles but is that a bad thing? Pedophiles can be a VERY positive force in the life of a child. Society does not think so and wonders why pedophiles must add the sexual element. They ask why we cannot always be happy just doing things with them that are non-sexual. The reason is that is one very important aspect of life and one that is something we find very pleasurable when it is with the people we like and love. It is no different than you! If I have sex with an 11 year old girl I love and care about, why do you care if she is willing and loves me too? The trouble is, society assumes that she is incapable of loving, or understanding it. She IS capable-she loves her parents, which is one kind of love. I am only showing her another kind that she is gladly and voluntarily experiencing with me. You must accept that she IS capable of wanting sex and relief, and feeling LOVE for me-her pedophile. You can bet that if I were in such a situation, I would love her-not just use her. It is not merely sexual. I prefer young girls. I do not cruise the streets looking for them to molest! If it happens it does and that is fine.

Pedophiles do not talk down to kids & treat them with respect and listen to them. This is not the case with an average adult, and kids see right through it. Kids like pedophiles very much, whom they do not see as a heavy-handed authority figure, but rather, as a sort of "older" PEER. That is what confuses the general public about the motivations and methods of pedophiles. Society assumes the pedophile views the child as an object, and uses his/her superior smarts/abilities/experience to control the child to extract sex. But pedophiles do not do this and never advocate such tactics! It goes against their very nature to do that! The reason society falls for this assumption is it is "transferring" what IT would do if in that situation. Since "regular" adults do not really respect or understand children, they assume the same mindset applies to pedophiles-and it does not! A "regular" adult does not understand pedophilia or pedophiles, & so they assume the pedophile is approaching the situation as a "regular" adult with a perverted streak in them-bent on taking advantage of children-since that is what the average "regular" adult could see himself/herself doing if they were sex maniacs looking for an easy outlet to prey on. But pedophiles are not this way-we are not predators looking for targets! Being a pedophile is a way of life-not a sick perversion.

Kill Pedophobes

To all pedophiles: Annoyed/depressed about being pedsecuted?, here's something to think about; most of the people in the world, i.e. your family, the guy walking down the street, your workmates HATE what you are. They'd happily kill a pedophile if they thought they could get away with it, maybe torture too. Bearing this in mind, do they deserve any better than you? - they have declared themselves by default as your adversaries - why not take the fight to them?

Here is a useful strategy - identify those around you who the above description fits - the ones who, on hearing of a child porn possessor, say stuff like "I hope he gets the broom-handle and razor treatment in jail". THEY ARE YOUR ENEMIES. Destroy them. Not all at once but in little ways, spread rumours, piss in their coffee, sugar their gas -- ANYTHING you can GET AWAY WITH. fight the antis

Help Your Child Climax

You should help your child climax and experience the joys and sensation and relief of orgasm. This is very important. You should teach them to help you climax and do the same for them. Explain orgasm to them. Tell them how good it feels to boys and girls to obtain release, that orgasm is a pleasurable feeling in their bodies that they need to understand & experience & that they need to know how to bring it about with a partner. If they already masturbate, show them how to complete it to climax if they have not discovered it yet. If they do not really know how to masturbate, show them how and demonstrate yourself doing it. Tell them it's normal and healthy and they should do it to relieve sexual tension. A child is not stupid-but often ignorant due to lack of information. Inform them! A climax can be scary to a child, it is a powerful experience they may not have had yet. You must guide them & explain that it won't hurt them, & is even good for them!

I've been living with a secret.

For 10 years now I've been living with a secret (or more accurately, a lie) and I've decided this situation cannot continue. I am forced to deny an integral part of myself to friends and family, if it was widely known, I would be unemployable, most women would turn away in disgust at the thought of romance, I would be unable to see many of my relatives and also be perpetually vulnerable to physical assault. I am a girl-lover - what you would call a pedophile. I am sexually attracted to girls from 5 years old (occasionally as young as 3), with the ages of about 8-9 being preferred. For what it's worth, I am attracted to adult women also. I refuse to cope with the secrets and lies that this aspect of my life requires; together with a desire to do some good for those in my situation I have made a plan for ACTION - I have identified a list of people who represent the clearest danger to child-lovers this nation; they are members of the judiciary, individual "vigilantes", particular journalists et cetera. All of the names on this list have caused terrible harm to "my people". They are the targets, I have weapons and the skill and the will to use them. I go forward with this work in the hope that others will follow - may our enemies soon know fear to moderate their hate, I do not hope to survive long once embarking on this path but do not pity me - making this decision has given me hope and purpose that a hidden life would never have provided. Farewell, and when you learn of my fate do not mourn me but rather celebrate what I am about to do.

I cut my penis

/b/, I am posting this to you in extreme agony. This is no copy pasta, this isn't a stupid post trying to get attention, this is a serious cry for help. I have been faithfull to you, /b/, for many years, and now I hope you can help me.

I was trying to shave my genitals today, to make them a little more comfortable for summer. I had no razor, so I was using some titanium scissors. Needless to say, I missed and accidentally removed a sizable chunk from the head of my PENIS. I passed out at first, but I woke up an hour or so later, covered in blood. I was able to stop the bleeding...but I wanted to put it back on and hope it would all be better.... I used super glue. It's holdong on there, but theres still blood, and a really bad line around the chunk, and it hurts oh god so bad... I have no medical insurance so I can't go to the doctor, and I live by myself so I can't get anyone else to help.

I need someone on /b/ who knows something about medical stuff. What can I do? I don't know, if I leave it on there with the glue will it heal itself back on? Help me please, it hurts a lot. I've already taken 4 extra strength tylenol and its not helping...

Bare Naked Chest

See I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest.

Pedo Girlfriend

I can't believe I'm doing this... but I need your advice, /b/.

I come home today to find 8 or 9 select images from my CP collection on my monitor. The really hardcore stuff. I'm sure some of you have seen the set of the 6 year old girl in the dog collar crying while she's molested. That kinda caliber of stuff.

I know I'm fucked. I never leave my PC on when I'm at work, and I certainly don't leave CP onscreen. I walk into the kitchen and my girlfriend is sitting at the table eating a sandwhich. This is it. I'm proper fucked.

"Hey" "So... are you into that kinda stuff?" no point denying the obvious "Yea... I mean... fuck I've never done anything to any kids or anything. I've never paid anyone. I... it's just the way I'm wired I guess. Shit I dunno..." "Huh... you know there's places where you can do stuff like that." "What?" She slides some travel brochures for thailand and the phillipines over the table. "Maybe we should think about somewhere else for vacation instead of new york this year."

She gets up, puts her plate in the sink, gives me a kiss on the cheek, and leaves for class.

This has to be a trick. She must be setting me up for the death penalty or something. God wouldn't let me be this happy. There's no way in hell I can have a pedo girlfriend.

Sadly... I'm in your hands, /b/.

Q

R

Rabbit-chan

Rabbit chan is all I think about every day. I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night thinking about how I'll never be with her.

repeat x10

Random

hi every1 im new!!!!!!! *holds up spork* my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol...as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me ^_^... im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol...neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!! DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again ^_^ hehe...toodles!!!!! love and waffles, *~t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m~*

Rap Music

Rap music:
-degrades the english language
-Promotes tagging and vandalism
-degrades women
-Implies postivity to primitive force (look at any metal cd, and youll see an imaginative cover with interesting artwork, look at a hip hop Cd, and youll see a pissed off nigra wanting to fight)
-Shifts values to "bling" and expensive shoes which leads to theft
-Promotes Rastafrian culture, which tries to legalize weed

Rap can be made by ANYBODY, a preset drum machine is all you need to make primitve music and get signed to a record label. If youve been shot, thats credible and prefered to hype your image, just like growing up on the "street"
The lyrics are simple, the sentences dont need to be related, just whatever can ryhme is fine. They dont even have to make sense, just as long as it sticks to an even flow. And sometimes, rappers will get lazy and mispronounce words to rhyme.
Now some of you guys are gonna say "omg racist", but more thn half of all nigra music is sold to whites. No other genre of music promotes more negative values than hip hop, and as it spreads toward different regions, it infects the native population like a fungus.

There is NO talent in rap, so next time, whe your downloading music, get yourself a king crimson, dark tranquility, symphony x or non-hip hop album. Your brain will thank you for not degenerating it into a pile of primtive processing jello

50 Cent

STFU and Look, I'm sick and tired of yall critisizing 50. I know EVERYTHING there is to know about 50 Cent. He is the best rapper out there, and if you don't think so, well you don't know music and you don't even listen to all of 50 Cent's songs. Some of the songs may be a little nasty but that isn't all he raps about. He sings about violence bacause he had somuch of it in his life! i mean he DID see his mother be murdered. and he sings about drugs sometimes because he dealed crack at a young age. he lost a lot of loved ones at a very young age too. he didn't start dealing drugs until that happened. Maybe you all should give his music a chance- by one of his cds. One day, i will meet 50 and tell him all about what i think. 50 Cent is the best!

Rape

There is no such thing as rape.

There is no such thing as rape. Any female who leaves her rightful place in the house and the kitchen is fucking begging for cock in her holes. If she gets the cock she so badly is asking for, it's not fucking rape, it's a damn slut getting what she fucking deserves.

Males still rule this fucking world. In most of the world, a fucking bitch can get killed for looking at a man straight in the eye. In America and Europe, every day dumb sluts get their holes penetrated without their so-called consent, which isn't rape, just them getting the fucking dick they deserve up their asses.

Sexual abuse is on the rise, spousal abuse is on the rise and more bitches die every year. Fucking cunts. I am so glad I was born a man. I am so glad there is a bunch of retarded sluts jumping trough hoops just to get my cock.

Haha, females are so fucking sad. We treat you bitches like shit, and you still spend time, money and effort on trying to look good for us. Way to be a good slave, whores. Now keep acting like sluts and sucking our cocks. And if you change your mind after you leave the house, too fucking bad, you're getting your holes fucked and there isn't shit you can do about it because that's your only fucking purpose in life.

RAPE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!

Okay, I am fucking sick and fucking tired of these fucking threads about rape! RAPE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! Joke about anything else you want, /b/...

Joke about cp, joke about loli, joke about murder, joke about drugs, but DON'T FUCKING JOKE ABOUT RAPE! Rape DESTROYS a woman, it STRIPS HER OF HER HUMANITY! It is disgusting, inhumane, regressive and insane. RAPE IS OFF THE FUCKING TABLE, /b/, NOT EVEN YOU FUCKING VIRGIN ASSHOLES CAN BE SUCH FUCKHOLES THAT YOU JOKE ABOUT A WOMAN'S WOMANHOOD BEING VIOLATED!

And no, I am not some lesbian dyke cunt, I am a woman, I was raped. My virginity was taken from me, I can never give it to a man I love. I was raped again and again and again and again and again by a random stranger when I was 15, I wanted to fucking kill my fucking self. IS THAT FUCKING FUNNY? FUCK NO YOU FUCKHOLES!

Go back to making Fresh Prince threads, /b/, you fucking aardvarks

Real Doll

Hey /b/ I'm in a pretty fucking pissed off mood today. I'm using a friend's computer because the fucking FBI confiscated mine. I'm calling for a boycott of REAL DOLL.

Here's what happened. You can order custom Real Dolls so I specified that I wanted their smallest model with no pubic hairs and a perfectly flat chest. Two weeks later I notice the charge hasn't gone through on my Visa so I called to ask if there was a problem. The guy on the phone asks what my order number was and I tell him. I then hear him talking in the background to someone, maybe his manager and he comes back and says there is no problem that they're waiting for a custom part to be milled and won't bill my credit card until it's finished.

No problem. Well this morning the fucking FBI bust down my door with a warrent. They grab my fucking computer, they grab all my CDs and DVDs (even more store bought music CDs and DVDs) and all my videotapes and leave with them and take me in for questioning.

They tell me Real Doll called the FBI to register a complaint that I'm a pedo trying to buy illegal pedo products. WTF!?! There was nothing illegal about the Real Doll I was trying to buy. But the FBI said it was suspiscious enough that it gave them grounds to get a fucking search warrent to look through my shit for CP. WTF!?! What fucking country is this?

The most they'll find is maybe some legal softcore Loli hentai because I don't have any CP. Hell I don't even like porn of real people which is why I was buying a fucking Real Doll in the first place.

So now they've told me not to leave town until the investigation is over (which I don't think they can legally do anyways, until I'm charged I'm legally free to go wherever I want), I have to hire a fucking lawyer, and I've got no fucking computer or CDs or DVDs or even fucking video tapes until they're done searching through my shit.

I'm hungry

Room Mate

Hai /b/

I have a problem.

I live with a girl. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I kind of like her and she kind of likes me back, there is def. something going on between us. Well, about 2 weeks ago, I couldn't help myself, so i went into her bedroom and masturbated over her sleeping body (she sleeps in this kinky teddy..HAWT) Well, I started doing it every night, then last night, I went into her room like usual and started masturbating only to find out that she was awake! I almost ran out of the room and but she stopped me and said that she knew I had been doing it for the past week! I was really embarassed. I couldn't say anything, until she asked "so are you gonna fucking me instead of FAPPIN' off to me?" I couldn't believe it! I went over and got in bed with her and we fucked most of the night! The next morning, I was awoken by her screaming. She didn't know why I was in her bed. On top of that she thinks I raped her in her sleep! Now she's crying and threatening to call the cops on me!

/b/, my old and trusted friend, what should I do???

S

Sadako

Watching TV was quickly becoming the dullest thign I had done in a while. I wish I was doing what I had been doing a week ago; that was actually fun. This, however, was just shit. It was worse than browsing /b/. Regis Philbin was on my damn TV and it was pissing me off that this was the only channel I had. I figured that this wasn't going to change anytime soon, so I got up to go get me some falafel. As I was rising out of my chair, the TV flickered. I looked at it for a second, shrugged, and continued on my epic quest for falafel.

Flicker.

Now what was this? I moved back and forth to see if perhaps the capacitance of my body had flickered the TV.

Flicker.

My screen was now nothing but static, and a strange, ringing sound was eminating from it. This was entirely typical. My shit TV had finally decided to kick the bucket. I sighed and went to unplug it, when I noticed the screen had suddenly become clear again. But it was not Regis, it was a blank monochrome image of a well.

I thought it was some sort of commercial. It strangely caught my interest, so I sat back down in my chair and stared at the image of the well before me. It seemed so still, but then, I saw a hand come out of the top. Something was climbing out of the well. It raised its head, which was covered in wet, black hair. I couldn't see its face. It was at this time I was thoroughly creeped out.

It pulled itself out of the well and began shambling toward me slowly. It was a girl. She was pale looked waterlogged, like a dead thing that had fallen into a puddle. She was drawing closer. I felt sick now, and I knew it was silly to feel like this over a commercial, but my heart was pounding. All I could see was her black hair covering the entire screen. Then, I screamed. Her hand reached out of my television.

"Wha-, what are you!?" I shrieked. She pulled herself out of my set, raised her head, and gazed at me.

"Sada...ko..." she croaked. Her body fell to my floor in a sickening, wet slap. She was crawling to me now, and I was too petrified to move. I knew I should run, but I didn't. It was entirley too out of this world to do anything but watch.

The dead girl descended on me, hanging over my body with her corpselike gape. She pushed me down; her ice cold hand connected with my arm as she forced herself on top of me. I knew I was going to die. I knew she'd strangle me.

It was then I realized she was naked. Her skin was cloud white, her cold breasts were almost translucent with blueish nipples; I could slightly see her muscles through her skin. Her face was as thin and white as her young body, and her eyes were rolled back into her head, as if she didn't have pupils.

Sadako dropped herself onto me, and I felt a tremendous cold fear that I had never experienced. Water was dripping onto me as she writhed. She hissed and croaked and moaned; her breath was like a cold, still wind. She pushed her head down and sealed her lips over mine. I felt sick. Her frigid tongue caressed my teeth slowly as she seemingly ate my mouth. I felt terribly strange as I realized I was being unwillingly aroused. She was already slowly humping the lump in my pants.

"T..ake... them off..." she hissed; as she pulled her mouth from mine, cold saliva dripped onto my chest. Sadako then kissed me again, continuing to consume my face with her grip-like jaw. She was gently gnawing at the sides of my mouth and teeth.

I was so petrified that I obeyed her command. I reached down and pulled my pants down, so that my now erect PENIS was available to her. This was too sick. It was horrible and so wrong. I was being raped.

She sat up on me and braced herself on the back of my chair with her hands. I looked down and saw her hovering above my PENIS; she was holding it up with one thin hand as she began to descend on me. My PENIS felt cold when her blue-white vulva brushed against it, but then, I felt suddenly strange. As she lowered herself onto me, as I entered her, I felt warm.

She was going down on me, but instead of dry and cold, her soft insides felt warm and slippery. I felt so different now. There was a transcendal feeling going through my head, like she was becoming one with me, or entering my mind on some higher level. I felt my heart squeeze and I then knew I would give myself to her, because I loved her. I reached out slowly and ran a finger down her emaciated stomach. It was as cold as I thought it would be. I held my hand against her and felt up and down the side of her abdomen. I traced my hand up her body and touched her pallid breast. I actually felt pleasure now. She was going up and down, and with every thrust she heaved and hissed. Her breath was heavy and deliberate. Her eyes were clenched shut. She was so beautiful.

I was feeling dizzy now. Things were beginning to spin. The white-skinned girl seated on me was going faster and faster. With each of her movements, I could feel her spongey interior grasping and caressing me with gentle but firm care. It was like a loving touch of her hand on me, only a thousand times better. I was feeling more and more heartwrenched. I put my arms around her quickly and pulled her cold body to my chest. I hugger her like this, I squeezed her tightly, I called her name and clenched my eyes. She gripped my PENIS with her hot inner muscles and threw her head back; her wet black hair showered me in an aerosol of mist as she violently buckled. I felt hollow for a moment, then I exploded. I came in her. The feeling wouldn't stop. Everything was spinning now, everything was going white. I was dying. She had taken the soul out of me. When it was all gone, I was dead.

Something Awful

We hate YOU

As expected, you can't even come up with an original burn.

I do believe every single SA member I have ever met has asked me that EXACT same question. But I will answer it again, and in doing so, hopefully create some copy-pasta.

You see, we don't hate Lowtax. We hate YOU. That’s right. We hate the individual members of SA. We hate Lowtax by proxy just because he hosts a haven for all of the elitist fags on the internet. If SA were to suddenly vanish, no one would care about Lowtax.

It's people like YOU who are why we hate SA. You do nothing but go around insulting people on the internet; you think it makes you cool because you can find all of the spelling errors in a post. It doesn't matter how many R's you can put on the end of HURR, you will NEVER be cool. I know full well you will read this post, ignore it, and go right back to pretending you are a leet haxor because your internet forum costs money, and how you e-PENIS is bigger that the entire internet combined.

In closing, learn how to internet, or go back to your circle jerk. You think that your 10 bux keeps people out, but no, it keeps you away from us.

Sex change

Part X of I've only got this one, /g/ version

Dear /g/ :

I have decided that i want a sexchange. Current medical technology yeilds a very poor result. A vagina can be made from the penis, but it will likely have hair inside of it, and there is a good chance of damaging the sensitive nervs, which would make sex unpleasurable. Breasts can only get but so big, nipples would not function. There would be no reproductive capability, and bone structure cannot be modified.

My plan is to build an AI system which can revise and improve on its self. It would be a cognitive AI system, a truely intelligent machine. Each time it improves on it's self, by modifying it's source code, it would increase in it's intellectual capacity in an exponential manner. Being that it would be superintelligent, it could run a profitable business, to generate income, which it would use to buy materials needed to improve upon its self.

It should be able to develop the required technologies needed to proform an exceptional sex change. Not only would i transition over to being female, i would actually be a real woman, with full reproductive capability. Any sort of mental defects would be resolved, and i would have a completely healthy new body, void of any detromental conditions. This means i could live on for ever, looking great and the only way of death would be if somebody killed me or if got into an accident of some sort.

So my question to the guests of 4chan, is your thoughts on this process. Also i would be interested in hearing any ideas you have for creating such AI and approprate hardware to run it on. Please refrain from ethical discussions, as i think it is 100% ethical to produce a machine which could solve all of humanitys health and technology problems.

thank you /g/ for your time and support.


She's so fucking cute and sweet

She's so fucking cute and sweet. I'd treat her to some fancy restaurant, then take a long romantic walk with her, holding hands and talking about philosophy, art and dreams. Then I'd invite her to my home and ravage her hot ass for hours, and forcing my cock down her throat so she choked on both the throbbing cock and her own rectal juice. I'd then proceed to cum on her cute innocent face. Then, as the ultimate love gift, I'd carry her in my arms to the tub and let my piss wash away the semen and last dignity from her. I'd whisper "I love you" and give her a tender smile, and cut her throat from ear to ear with a knife. Covered in her own warm blood, she'd look straight into my very soul, forgiving, understanding. A bubble from blood and saliva would burst between her lips, then she'd die. After some additional lovemaking, I'd stuff her in a bin bag. Three Weeks later, some playing children will find her mutilated and desecrated body in the forest. They will be scarred for life.


Shift-JIS art (called AA in Japan)

Bomb Mohammed 1

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Shit Sucks


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Shit in her bag

Shit in her lolita bag

The poster of this particular Copypasta was originally searching for relationship help in /b/. Although there were some genuine advice from other b-tards, the majority of replies were either telling the OP to 'shit in her bag' (as in 'shit in his girlfriend's bag') OR a combination of advice and ways to 'shit in her bag'. While the OP's girlfriend was a 'gothic lolita', one particular reply told the OP to 'shit in her lolita bag' for the most effective result.


Anonymous 07/31/06(Mon)04:41:38 No.11020816

Dear /b/

While I know that most of you tards will not answer me properly, I don't mind; I just want to get something off my chest.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 years now but our relationship has gotten quite rough for the past half year. Ever since she came back from Japan after being there for 3 weeks over the Christmas and New Years holiday, she's become a very Japanese obsessive with the whole 'Gothic Lolita' fashion.

While I do generally enjoy the fashion as a whole (my girlfriend looks very beautiful in lolita outfits), I am not very supportive with the community behind this sub-culture. Some (if not most) of these girls are snobby, arrogant, ignorant and vain bitches. Also, these said girls attempt to practice 'lolita etiquette' like the following:

  • A lolita should strive to hold her bag in front of her with both hands when walking (many lolitas fail to realise that a beautiful bag is as important as the shoes, it's important to buy a well coordinated bag that compliments your outfit as it's so noticeable)
  • A lolita's posture must be refined- she must sit and hold herself in an elegant and poised manner without the need to fidget. A recommended sitting position is with both feet neatly tucked to either the left or right (never crossed legged) with her hands gently resting upon one another in her lap.
  • A lolita must always be delicate, she must not do things in bad taste such as blowing her nose in public
  • A lolita must pay special attention to the small, daintier things that the common eye will miss, for example her shoes will never be scuffed. (It is advisable to carry pocket-sized shoe polish in the handbag) and there are never loose threads on her clothes (so carry a tiny pair of sewing scissors to get rid of loose threads) and her garment will always be impeccably pressed (no wrinkles).

If you've read this far, I'm very proud of you because I almost died reading through the first two points. Anyways, that was an example of what the community invloves.

My girlfriend has developed a 'princess complex' because of this sub-culture and it's tearing us apart. It feels like I'm drifting further and further apart from her because my once happy relationship has turned somewhat very plain. I know this because I've noticed that I'm downloading more and more pornography these days. (yes, fap jokes aside).

Anyways, she recently found some porn on my computer. I don't go to great lengths in hiding it because I'm generally very open and honest with my girlfriend. I'd thought that even if she found some porn on my PC, she would understand considering I'm a guy and she doesn't necessarily give me what I want most of the time (I mean its okay. I'll just do it myself if she cannot do it with me.) But yea, I was wrong. She got very mad at me.

We've somewhat patched it up and I apologised etc but whenever we get into an argument, she would bring it up. Where it be related or not, she would just throw it in my face. It's been happening for the past month or so and tonight was no exception. Whenever I don't want to argue with her, I walk away but she doesn't let me and give me shit about me being pathetic, a sore loser, cannot handle the truth and etc. All I want to do when I walk away is to avoid punching her in the face. I'm not down with domestic violence and yet she seems to give me more and more the incentive to but I'm holding on. I won't hit her. She has slapped me across the face before but missing my cheek and hitting my right ear. For about 2 months when I blow my nose, air comes out of that ear. I'm actually partially deaf in that ear now having seen my GP. No one else knows about it. When I find that there’s too much noise during the night when my computer is on. I would sleep on my left ear because my right ear is not as responsive.

Well that's about it. I've never opened up to anyone in this world like I have with my girlfriend - physically, mentally, spiritually... and yet. I have all that been worked against me when she argues with me. I feel really torn, destroyed, insecure and betrayed. I really want to never open up to any girl in this world anymore. My ex in the past cheated on me with one of my friends and now another blow on my trust. I don't know what to do...

Thanks for listening anyways if you've actually read this far. Bel-air it, copypasta it, whatever. Thanks for letting me vent.

Slugs and worms

Hey /b/

Today, I was lifting an old carpet, as we have a damp problem. Underneath there were hundreds of slugs and worms. My wife and I picked up about 40 slugs and put them in a pair of my wife's panties. I then put the panties on. The feeling was amazing. I got a huge erection and I could feel them sliding over my glans, and round my balls. Eventually I could feel one going up my bum. I knew I would come soon, so I let my wife tie me up, with my hands and feet speadeagled and attached to some furniture. She then took the panties down and about 15 of the slugs were crawling over my cock and balls. I came, spurting out loads of cum all over the poor things, but still couldn't move. My wife then took the other slugs out of the panties and placed them on my cock. She was careful to put some of them right on the opening of my cock, which was now covered in a mixture of sperm and glistening goo from the slugs. She opened up my arse and tried to put one in there too. I got hard again quite quickly as I thought of these slimy little things crawling over me. I imagined them biting me. One seemed to be trying to enter my uretha and this caused me to come again. That was 4 hurs ago. My cock is now very itchy, but I am about to give them another "feed".


SO YEAH, I like anime

The first anime I ever saw was "Revolutionary Girl Utena" the movie. I was attracted to it because it was bizarre and new. It hit me at a vulnerable time; my father and mother had just been murdered. I became obsessed with the "emptiness inside" theme of the movie, and felt that this related to my life somehow. I watched Evangelion next, and absolutely loved the depressing feeling both of these shows left me with. I am a person who loves depressions; I feel that I am at my most creative and "raw" when utterly depressed. The empty feeling these shows gave me filled me with emotions I wanted to recapture.

Like an addict seeking another hit, I kept downloading more and more programs, watching tons of shows. At one point, I had two shoeboxes full of CD-r's packed with Anime programs. I had a library of just about every show ever made. I became obsessive, but I wasn't finding that feeling that was originally there. Sure, I could recapture it with great stuff like Serial Experiments: Lain and Millenium actress, but that was only for a moment.

Eventually, I stopped watching the shows I was downloading, but just grabbed them for the sake of having them. I had to have more. I bought DVD's and didn't watch them. Gradually, over time, I felt my aesthetic become warped. What once was strange and bizarre looking character design became familiar; I sought it out. If I caught a glimpse of an anime style character in real life, I felt a rush; almost as if my hindbrain saw it before I was aware of it. I was visiting a Japanese tea Garden and saw real life schoolgirls in the familiar navy blue fuku uniforms. I was fascinated by them; I was drawn, attracted, but not in a sexual way; it blew my mind to see something in real life that I had before seen only in the abstract.

A familiar feeling came through me when I saw them. I felt the same at that moment as when I had first seen Utena, when I had first finished Evangelion. My obsession took a new direction.

I bought several sailor fuku uniforms from online retailers. J-list was too expensive and didn't sell in the size I desired. I had to have the legitimate stuff. At first it was satisfying to just look at the uniforms. I would keep them clean, iron them, and hang them up every day. The ritual was soothing to me.

Sooner or later I had to do it. I had to wear the uniforms I had treasured. I am proud to report that it took me a few months to break down, to really cross the threshold into utter depravity. After that line had been crossed, though, there was no going back. Tentatively, I started by simply wearing the uniforms around the house. I would wake up very early, before anyone could glimpse at me from outside on the street, and simply do my cleaning and cooking wearing the various uniforms I purchased. I got a matching apron. I would pretend I was getting ready for Japanese High school.

Soon, though, wearing the uniform in private was not enough. I purchased a duster trenchcoat and began walking through town wearing my outfit. Nobody knew, and this made me comfortable. But, again, this soon became insufficient to satisfy my obsession.

I began stalking this girl I knew, Sarah. I checked out her routines; when she left for work, when she got back, what time she went to bed. At first I furtively ventured into her place with my uniform under my trench coat while she was away. I knew where her spare key was because I had helped her move earlier. Speaking of this, I'm a pretty beefy guy. I weigh around 240-260 pounds, but I'm not that tall. A great friend to have if you need to move.

Anyway, gradually, I became more comfortable in her apartment. I started doing stuff like rolling around in her bed, stealing her underwear and putting it in little plastic bags, soforth. As you would expect, I became more and more comfortable doing this, and crossed a line. She came home unexpectedly one day, early from work. Panicked, I hid under the bed in my uniform. Immediately, as she came through the door, she spotted my trench coat. Lying under her bed, the sound of my heavy breathing seemed a thousand times louder than it actually was. I could hear her rooting through the trench coat, and could hear the wrinkling of celophane as she found my empty plastic bags. Thank god they didn't yet have her used underwear in them.

I put my sweaty, meaty hands together and prayed.

I heard her walking around the apartment. Thankfully, she didn't bring anyone with her. My mind was flashing; the excitement had triggered my epilepsy. Suddenly, I was barraged with memories from my first anime program, revolutionary girl utena. I heard her walking around some more, and then sit down on the bed. I saw her clothes come off and hit the floor in front of me. During this time I was controlling myself and having a minor epileptic fit. I could see transformation sequences from anime programs I had watched. It was all coming together; the near hallucinations, the girl in the bed above me, and most of all, my sweaty fuku uniform.

She approached the bathroom and got into the shower. She turned on the water. I was convinced that this was the one moment I had been searching for. This was my chance to cross over into the other world described in Utena; the fabric of reality was thin. I could taste it. In many of my anime programs I had seen the seemingly normal characters, like me, enter into a world of magic and joy.

I rolled out from under the bed and bounded into the bathroom. She saw my large form approaching through the glass of the shower and started screaming. I was having epileptic flashes; the screaming sounded just like "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" I was having trouble walking, my steps staggered. I couldn't feel the floor. My meaty hands slammed the shower door open, but she sprayed me with a jet of water. The water triggered another fit and I seized, falling into the bath. She tripped and fell on top of me. As she was screaming and my blood filled the bath, it swirled around reality, and intermingled in my mind. Her screams, the blood, my sweat, the uniform, Japan, schoolgirls, magic, tragedy, terror, and hope all become one to me. For one moment, I could taste it. The anime reality. It was here, like a precious jewel perched between my meaty, sweaty pectorals. And then, gone.

SO yeah I like anime.

Steve Irwin

Now this is the story all about how My life got flipped, turned upside down And Id like to take a minute just sit right there Ill tell you how I became the croc hunter of a country called Australia

In the suburbs of Melbourne born and raised In the zoo is where I spent most of my days Taking out, handling, cleaning animal poo And all handling dangerous wildlife too When a couple of crocs who were up in no good Started making trouble in my neighbourhood I got in one little fight and my wife got scared And said youre moving with your crew and documentary to Port Douglas!

I whistled for a boat and when it came near the Licensplate said STINGRAY and had a barb in the mirror If anything I could say that this boat was rare But I thought "naw forget it, crikeys to Port Douglas!"

I pulled up to the reef about seven or eight And I yelled to the stingry "Crikeys! Smell you later!" He looked at me square and shot the barb through my chest And now I'm dead in the ocean next to the Stingrays nest!

Suicide (girl)

Okay so maybe you guys have seen my other rant thread or whatever. I just need to get this off my chest.

For the better part of my life I've lived in a personal hell. When I was little my father used to whip me with a razor strap whenever he was drunk, mostly because he always went into a fit of rage whenever he drinks. Every night when I was small I'd always hide under my blankets and hope that he'd never come into my room and drag me outside by my feet to let out his anger. At one point he even groped me and tried to have sex with me. This all happened between the ages of 6 to 9. Since my mother was never home, there was no one to help me. I was always too afraid to tell the teachers about what happened whenever they would question me, and make up stories like 'I ran into a door' or 'I fell off of my bike'. I know they never believed me.

About 6 years ago my father died. Somehow he drank too much, overdosed on a prescription of valium he received from a crackpot doctor of some sort, and hung himself. I was only in middle school so I arrived home to see his untwitching body hung up on the ceiling fan. I called 911 and in time the paramedics came, but my mom never came home that night. She was always away on business trips and only visited twice a month, but I never complained because she was the only person who put food on the table. During the funeral she wasn't even there. It was only me, a minister, and two second-cousins, who I had seen for the first time in my life. None of them talked to me or even offered pity. I think to them I was my father's whore of a daughter. I overheard them as they walked to their black Mercedes Benz and drove away, and I had to walk home by myself. I eventually moved out and was emancipated by my mother, who gave me the insurance-money from my father and emptied half of her bank account into mine. She told me that she was never really there for me, and said I was probably better off by myself. A few months after I moved into my apartment, she sold the house and moved somewhere else. She didn't leave any numbers or e-mails or anything.

My friends never offered me any comfort either. I'm not sure whether they were even my friends to begin with. A lot of them are guys who started hanging out with me when I was in 9th grade. They always joked about how I was the prettiest girl and would never pass a chance to come into my house. Especially Julian and Frank. I mean at the time I didn't think I was hanging around with a bad crowd, but now that I look back I'm not so sure. I smoked my first blunt on my 14th birthday with them in the park. Somehow I passed out and when I came to, my bra was undone and my shirt was on the floor. Luckily no one was there, so I just walked home and tried to forget about it. The next day Julian and Frank walked up to me with the biggest smile on their faces like nothing had ever happened. I didn't say anything about it.

Last year my other friends took me to some party at a college kid's house. His parents had gone out for the weekend, and the place was jam-packed with people just partying. As soon as I got there guys started hitting on me, and again Julian and Frank grabbed me by the shoulders and directed me upstairs where the cooler and bar was. They kept forcing me to drink shots until I fell over, though I suppose I was stupid to even go with them. I had puked my guts out, and Julian pulled me into the upstairs shower and tried to take off my clothes. I slapped him across the face and he punched me in the stomach and I went unconscious. I woke up the next day with my jeans torn up and Julian was on the floor, his pants undone, sleeping. I think that was when I stopped becoming his friend. Luckily I wasn't pregnant.

Apart from Julian and Frank, my other friends weren't as bad. But I was always the butt of their jokes, which was really annoying. They'd always talk about how all the nutrients went from my head to my boobs, and sometimes called me a 'natural-born slut'. I don't know why I took it, but I'd always laugh it off or just look away. At night I never cut myself or anything like that. I'd just lie on my bed and try to push the bad thoughts away. One day my english teacher noticed that I was really tired and asked me if I was okay after class, and I just started crying. I don't know what came over me. He took me to the guidance counselor and she said that I was clinically depressed and that I had to see a therapist since our school doesn't have one.

Somehow I had persuaded my therapist to write me a prescription for vicodin a few weeks ago. Right now I popped 2 in my mouth and took a few shots of Scotch and I feel numb all over. I don't feel particularly drowsy but I can't feel my legs. My apartment is on the 8th floor with a balcony and a thought of suicide just crossed my mind. I really don't see why I should bother anymore. I don't know, I just wanted to let everything out, and I'm crying and my hands are jittering and I don't know what to do. I don't even feel like a human being anymore and I'm just questioning myself over and over. Is it wrong for me to think this way?


Suiseiseki

Suiseiseki finishes her sentences with desu

"Does master want Suiseiseki to give him a footrub-desu?" she purred.
"No thank you," I said. "I'm rather tired. You should retire to your box."
"But master-sama, Suiseiseki doesn't like her box-desu! I want to sleep in master-sama's bed-desu!"
"Not tonight. You'll do as you're told."
"Why doesn't master-sama have real girls in his bed?"
"What?!"
"Is master-sama's penis too small for real girls?"
"Why aren't you saying desu?"
"Does he have to use dolls instead?"
"SAY DESU! SUISEISEKI FINISHES HER SENTENCES WITH DESU!"
"Master-sama showed Suiseiseki his penis once."
"DESU! MASTER-SAMA SHOWED SUISEISEKI HIS PENIS ONCE DESU!"
"It was too small even for dolls."
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT SUISEISEKI!"

With my right hand I snatched a pair of scissors from my desk and mashed them continually into her face. Her little body was smashed into kindling but I did not stop. Until her screams began to sound a bit like my voice, and I remembered that dolls did not scream, and they did not bleed. Suddenly there was feeling in my left hand for the first time in weeks. I lifted it out of the doll's wreckage, covered in splinters and dripping from scissored wounds. How long had my hand been inside there? How long had I been inside here, alone in my one-room apartment, talking to myself, going mad?

The bolt scraped rust from the latch as I stepped outside. My eyes hurt, god the horizon ... it was a deal larger than 19 inches diagonally. But after five steps my breath quickened and my chest tightened and I turned back. Enough for today. Tomorrow I would try for six. A distant memory told me that when I reached two hundred and eighty, I would make it to the bus stop. And then I'd be free of this apartment, of this prison. And then there'd be nowhere in the world I couldn't go.

Least of all the refunds counter at Moemart in Akihabara. For fuck's sake. Suiseiseki finishes her sentences with desu.

Source [1]

T

Table Manners

Can someone tell me what's the deal with Table Manners? When I was a boy in China my grandfathers would always have these big parties in holidays, and the whole family had around 20 people. The food was great and no one worried about measily "manners". We ate what we liked and did what we want, and no one did gross things such as burping, a certain degree decency is implied.

When I came to the states and joined some family dinners, everyone ate like robots. There's a spoon for soup, a fork for salad, a knife for cutting, a knife for butter, a knife for bread......... give me a fucking break!!! What if I use the fucking soup spoon to eat my beans, what if I just pick up the soup bowl and drink the soup like that, what if i use my right hand to hold the fork!!? people would give me that " this is not how we do it in america look". I know your stupid rules, I just don't want to do them. And I've even read some rules about how you're not supposed to touch your nose or hair? WTF???

Oh and another thing, Why in the world are americans so scared of food that fell on the floor? It could be a perfectly clean floor that has just been cleaned 5 minutes ago so clean it shines, but a cookie fell on the floor, OH NOES!!! The cookie touched the floor!!!! it must have somehow picked up all kinds of scary bacteria and dirt!!! Better throw it away...

NO! It's a perfectly good cookie and it picked up NOTHING from the floor. And you're just WASTING perfectly good food when you throw it away. Oh and newsflash!!! Your HANDS have more germs than the floor most of the time...I've seen this commercial where this guy dropped a candy on the floor and he picked it up and ate it, like it's supposed to be gross or something... so pretentious

The Dream

(originally broken up into many posts.)

okay

well

the dream started off like this:

her name is Liz, and she came in my backyad in a swim suit. she had forgotten her googles in my pool(her friends swim there sometimes[i'm 17, btw]). she's so cute- her wet one piece bathing suit clinging to her, her perk barely there breasts showing through the fabric, the line of her tight butt and pussy... ah. my PENIS took over.i began to get hard just looking at her standing there. i took her hand and asked her if she wanted to play a game. "okay!" she said and followed me inside.

i took her to my room, and she asked what we were playing. I smiled and said "you'll see...". I told her to lay on my bed and she did so willingly. I tied her wrists and ankles to the bed posts. She said, "Oh! I know what we're playing! A tickling game!" "Kinda.".I began to tickle her to reassure her that everything was okay. She laughed and squealed and it turned me on even more, her body wiggling and her breasts jiggling. My PENIS once again took over, and I kissed her on the lips. Suprisingly, her tongue shot out and began dancing with mine.She broke the kiss and began to wiggle uncomfortbaly, and I took my finger and began to trace her breasts from the base right before I touched the nipple. Her nipples were getting hard, I could feel it through the fabric. I took my finger away and smiled as she arched her back to try to get my finger to touch her nipple. I couldn't believe it - This 10 year old was HORNY!

I pleased her by twisting her nipples gently, though I wanted to tear the suit off and fuck her brains out. She moaned gently, it made me feel good to hear this.I then realised what I was doing. I was raping a minor. I said "I-I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doi-"

"No", she said, "Go on. P-please. I want this. It feels so g-good."

Hearing her egging me on made me even MORE horny, and I couldn't contain it anymore. I tore back the suit and marveled at her pussy. It was a work of art. It was smooth, unlike a grown woman's it didn't have any pubic hair at all, and she had begun to get wet, as it was beginning to drip down tight little butt.I bent down and rammed my tongue into her, savoring the young, untouched flavor. She was moaning in delight by now, and I pulled my toungue out and replaced it with 3 fingers. She gasped at this, and I asked Liz if she was okay, and she didn't respond - Only a moan of ecstasy.

She was getting looser; I didn't want to ram into her on her first time being as tight as she was, and after a couple minutes I stopped. I untied the ropes and she sat on the edge of the bed, breathless.She said "I need to repay you. I've never felt that way before". She waved her hand for me to come sit beside her. I did, and she got on her knees in front of me. I said "Hold on, are you goi-" Before I could finish, she wrapped her hand around my dick and began rubbing."okay, that's weird".

She opened her mouth and wrapped her lips around my dick. It was a wonderful feeling-the warm, wet walls of her mouth around my PENIS. It was different from a grown woman, It's always loose in their mouths, but her's was tight, and my dick barely went an 4 inches in.Suprisingly, she took more and more in her mouth, untill my whole PENIS was in her mouth, minus an inch of the shaft. On this inch she took her fingers and rubbed, while bobbing her head up and down. Every now and then she would lick and kiss it's head. This little innocent girl wasn't as innocent as I thought.I came in her mouth and she took out my dick, coughing, and I cum was sprayed all over her face. She looked disgusted and wiped it on my sheets.

I asked her if she wants to go further, and without hesitation, she nodded. I layed her on the bed and rubbed my cock against her pussy, teasing her, and also making me erect again. She moaned loudly now, and begged me to go in. After a while, I did, slowly entering her. Liz's wet, warm, slippery walls were too much. I went all the way in, and she yelped.

"Are you okay?"

"No... B-but... Don't... Stop..."

I pulled out some, she gasped, went back in, and she didn't yelp. She was getting used to it.I began to go at different angles, and at one specific angle she moaned extra load. I smiled and stayed at that angle as the moans erupted from a deeper point in her throat. I was going all the way in now, and my balls were smacking against her. I felt a cold hand on my sack, and knew it was Liz exploring, as she had never fucked before, and probably had never seen a naked man before.

After a while, I was about to cum, and she beat me to it. Her hips buckled, she squealed, and came on my stomach. She sat up and began to lick it off, but before that I came on her chest. This time she was not disgusted, and when she finished me, licked her lips and drew a heart in the cum. I got the sign and layed her on the bed, and licked my cum off of her. As I did this, I sucked and playfully nibbled at her nipples.

emotionally attracted to Tyrannosaurs

After you read this, I guarantee you will feel sorry for me.

Imagine this. You are attracted to women, like you are now (emotionally and sexually), but they do not exist. They existed a long time ago, and no one knows what they looked like (They have a pretty good idea from the fossils, however), but they do not exist anymore. That means, not only do you know there will never be any possibility of you having sex with one, but there's not even a possibility of you ever seeing one in real life. Everyone else, however, except for a very few, are not attracted to women, they are attracted to something else entirely. So in other words, you will never find any porn anywhere on the internet, only non-sexual pictures of women. Everyone you have told about your attraction to women think it's disgusting. To relieve yourself, you get off on the non-sexual pictures of women, knowing it will never get any better.

That's what life is like to me.

I am a degree 6 Zoosexual, sexually and emotionally attracted to Tyrannosaurs and nothing else.Women don't even do it for me. I am cursed to live my life in the misery that my most powerful emotional fantasies will never be even close to coming true. Life is like hell to me. I will never know true love.

They see me trollin

They see me trollin
They hatin
Patrollin they tryin to catch me postin CP
Tryin to catch me postin CP
Tryin to catch me postin CP
Tryin to catch me postin CP
Tryin to catch me postin CP
My proxy's so 1337
I'm raidin
They hopin that they gon catch me postin CP
Tryin to catch me postin CP
Tryin to catch me postin CP
Tryin to catch me postin CP
Tryin to catch me postin CP

Mods think they got my IP
But the MySQL disagrees
And George Zimmer can gurantee
That I'm still there lurkin with a new proxy

That's right I'm Anonymous, and I do not forgive
I raid at random with no incentive
Best be attentive, ya'll get so stressed
When you see your forum flooded with DESU DESU DESU

Noobs try and think back, to the age of Snacks
When we came to jack and invade and relax
Or the eBaums raid, no thanks to Max
One threat of a lawsuit and they piss their slacks

I'm breakin the rules, closin the pool,
Stratin up a JB thread and I'm makin you drool
I got an AV said to have girls in preschool
And that underaged vid from the Stickam cheat tool

Area's grey, like Doom 3 on high gamma
Party Van hatin, try to put me in the slammer
Nowhere near the pool and I'm not even the spammer
Just cuz I a Nigra now I'm gettin ban-hammered

But they don't got the means, to combat my team
We copypasta meme spouting /b/tard machines
So fight on Legion, but keep that proxy sturdy
Cuz when Anon posts, he's ALWAYS postin dirty

Traps

Trapped Babysitter

Anonymous 06/05/05(Sun)18:07 No.1450178

I was 9, and was getting babysat by the 18 year old boy down the street. Even at 9 I knew I had power over men. I was always getitng told how cute I was, how adorable I was. I was determied to prove that I could control a man. I still feel that I loved the boy that was babysitting me the night I did it. it wasn't rape. it was love. I knew what I was doing.

As soon as my parents left, I changed into my 'man trapping' outfit. My favorite pair of panties (pink My Little Pony) and a tank top. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head when I walked out. I played it slow, rubbing against him, on the couch. Eventually I moved onto his lap and ground my cute butt into his crotch. I could feel his manhood growing. I couldn't take it. I got up, stood infront of him, pulled down my panties, and told him to touch me.I could tell he was impressed. Even at 9, my penis was a good 4 inches erect. He worked the balls and the tip. I will always remember his strong hands around my shaft.

NOT COPYPASTA

Firstly, I'm a trap. Just to get that out of the way.

My best friend (whom I met after commencing into trap-hood, so I was always a girl to her) has always flirted with me and done stuff, that to any normal person would see as passes. I always just dismissed them as it being just being the way she is. Every week or so, she'd come up to my house for a few days or I'd go to her house and we'd sleep in the same bed, just 'cuz it was more comfy. As time went on, I eventually took (albiet crappy) porn of her for her boyfriend (of whom is not local) and such and we spoke about sex and our boyfriends a lot.

Eventually, she started asking me questions and my PENIS and if she could see it and such. I was hardly sure how to take it and made jokes in response to her assuming it was just her messing around as per usual.

Though, one night she rolled over and started kissing my neck and making out with me just as I was falling asleep. In my half-dreaming state I thought it was my boyfriend and suddenly came to with her tongue in my mouth; Though, I did always sort of have a crush on her and started kissing her back and sucking her neck... This went on as we stripped eachother and played with eachothers breasts until she finally went down on me (my first time) until I came in her mouth. After which, she got on top of me and we fucked.. I had always wanted to be with her, though I'd never admit it to anyone except the masses of Anon here. After we had fucked and come down from our "glow".. We thought of our respective partners.. She confessed to her boyfriend, though I will never to mine.

And we've never spoken about it since. Though, we continue to sleep together and take showers together, sans sex.

To tripfag, or not to tripfag: that is the question

To tripfag, or not to tripfag: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous horseshit, Or to take arms against a sea of anonymous, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand fucking memes That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be fuck'd by /b/. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to tripfag: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what balls may touch When we have shuffled off this mortal harbl, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes calamity of so long cat; For who would bear the whips and scorns of pyramid head, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's fetish, The pangs of despised loli, the law's 4chan party van, The insolence of mods and the doug That patient merit of the unworthy /b/tards, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare flat chest? who would fardels pedobear, To grunt and sweat under a weary loli, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from anonymous bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those PENISes we have Than fly to guro that we know not of? Thus conscience does make fuckwits of us all; And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their tubgirls turn awry, And lose the name of erection. - Soft you now! The fair mongler! Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my harbls remember'd.


Things that bother you never bother me

Things that bother you never bother me, I'm as happy as pie, a-ha! Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.

Haven't got a lot, I don't need a lot, Coffee's only a dime, Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.

Just take it from me, I'm just as free as any brother, I do what I like, just when I like, and how I love it!

I'm right here to stay, when I'm old and gray, I'll be right in my prime, Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time.

The Burdizzo

The Burdizzo is a castration device which employs a large clamp designed to break the blood vessels leading into the testicles. Once the blood supply to the testicles is lost, testicular necrosis occurs, and the testicles shrink, soften, and eventually deterioriate completely. Burdizzos have also been used by some human males as a means of self-castration, often by those seeking a remedy for a high sex drive, or those who, for religious or personal reasons, seek to become eunuchs. The burdizzo has also been used by some transsexual women and other male-to-female transgender persons, as an alternative to the surgical procedure known as an orchidectomy. Because an incision is not required, castration by burdizzo is usually bloodless and, according to some research, has a lower risk of infection, compared with traditional methods.

That's evading a ban

That's evading a ban, and that gets you a permaban. Trying to incite an invasion gets you merely a 2-week ban from just /b/, not from any other board. You also have the luxury of MULTIPLE SECOND CHANCES with your threads being delete multiple times. HELLO? ARE YOU GETTING A CLUE? THEY'RE TELLING YOU NOT TO DO IT AND YOU ARE DISREGARDING IT MULTIPLE TIMES, SO OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO GET BANNED FOR IT. Then if you're dumb enough to repost it AGAIN after being TEMPORARILY BANNED from ONE BOARD, you are going to be permabanned globally from all of 4chan. That's the way it works around here!

The Terminator

I have a morning ritual that I need to share. I call it 'the terminator'. First I crouch down in the shower in the classic 'naked terminator traveling through time' pose. With my eyes closed I crouch there for a minute, visualizing either Arnold or the guy from the second movie (not the chick in the third one because that one sucked) and I start to hum the terminator theme. Then I slowly rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me to proceed through my day as an emotionless, cyborg badass. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It ruins the fantasy.

U

Unicode characters

For characters like ♥, ☭, or ♪, see Unicode.

Unicode equivalents for wordfiltered strings

These words contain special characters that will avoid the wordfilters on 4Chan's /b/.

Rule 34

rulе 34

USA

The anti-American alliance(...)

The anti-American alliance is made up of self-loathing liberals who blame the Americans for every ill in the Third World, and conservatives suffering from power-envy, bitter that the world's only superpower can do what it likes without having to ask permission. The truth is that America has behaved with enormous restraint since September 11. Remember, remember. Remember the gut-wrenching tapes of weeping men phoning their wives to say, "I love you," before they were burned alive. Remember those people leaping to their deaths from the top of burning skyscrapers. Remember the hundreds of firemen buried alive. Remember the smiling face of that beautiful little girl who was on one of the planes with her mother. Remember, remember - and realise that America has never retaliated for 9/11 in anything like the way it could have. So a few al-Qaeda tourists got locked without a trial in Camp X-ray? Pass the Kleenex. So some Afghan wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired their semi-automatics in a sky full of American planes? A shame, but maybe next time they should stick to confetti. I love America, yet America is hated. America is hated because it is what every country wants to be - rich, free, strong, open, optimistic. Or do you really think the USA is the root of all evil? Tell it to the loved ones of the men and women who leaped to their death from the burning towers. Tell it to the nursing mothers whose husbands died on one of the hijacked planes, or were ripped apart in a collapsing skyscraper. And tell it to the hundreds of young widows whose husbands worked for the New York Fire Department. To our shame, George Bush gets a worse press than Saddam Hussein. Remember, remember, September 11. One of the greatest atrocities in human history was committed against America! No, do more than remember. Never forget.

The Rebel alliance(...)

The Rebel alliance is made up of self-loathing Jedi who blame the Empire for every ill in the galaxy, and politicians suffering from power-envy, bitter that the galaxy's only power can do what it likes without having to ask permission. The truth is that the Empire has behaved with enormous restraint since the Battle of Yavin. Remember, remember.

Remember the gut-wrenching holos of weeping stormtroopers phoning their partners to say, "I love you," before the station was destroyed. Remember those people leaping to their deaths from safety-pod hatches with no safety pods installed.

Remember the hundreds of droids buried alive.

Remember the smiling face of that beautiful girl who was in one of the detention cells. Remember, remember - and realise that the Empire has never retaliated for the destruction of the Death Star in anything like the way it could have.

So a few Rebels got locked without a trial in cellblock 1138? Pass the Kleenex.

So some Gungan wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired their blasters in a sky full of Empire shuttles? A shame, but maybe next time they should stick to confetti.

Remember, remember, the Death Star. One of the greatest atrocities in human history was committed against the Empire.

No, do more than remember. Never forget!

V

W

Wapanese (also called weeaboos)

Becoming Japanese for Real

I hate weeaboos. I don't conisder myself a weeaboo, I'm actually Japanese for real, well almost. I will be when I live in Japan though. Right now I'm studying japanese, japanese history and I'm following Bushido, the way of the warrior. This is why I hate weeaboos that know 5 words in japanese and use them all the time, kawaai baka DESU NE MOTHERFUCKER. I'm actually trying to become Japanese for real unlike all these faker wees. FUCK YOU WEEABOOS

So my question is, how good are my chances of becoming Japanese for real?

Nigra/Becoming Japanese for Real Spoof

I hate niggers. I don't conisder myself a nigger, I'm actually black for real, well almost. I will be when I live in Oakland though. Right now I'm studying ebonics, robbery and I'm following Looting, the way of the nigra. This is why I hate niggers that know 5 gang signs and use them all the time, West side bloods ghettos motherFUCKERS. I'm actually trying to become black for real unlike all these faker nigras. FUCK YOU NIGGERS

So my question is, how good are my chances of becoming black for real?

Welcome to /b/

Welcome to /b/. You're ours now. Here's what you can expect.

You'll stay for a while, see a few threads, laugh a bit, and see a few odd things. You'll bookmark the place for further amusement. This is where it all begins.

Before too long, you'll find yourself checking on 4chan in increased frequencies. First it'll happen occasionally during the week. Then once every day or so. Then more frequently. You'll find yourself checking on it twice a day. Three times. Once per hour. Before you know it, you'll be browsing it for hours at a time.

Slowly, your life will take a back-seat to /b/. You'll find yourself forgetting to call people. You'll be late for work because you'll be reading legendary threads. Slowly, your life will decline into a mindless chaos.

As /b/ and 4chan slowly consume your mind, your humor will be replaced with our humor. You'll become glued to /b/. It'll be the only place you feel accepted. And then, you'll start accepting the weirder conventions. You'll find yourself fapping to loli, furry, guro, and all sorts of odd things you used to find disgusting. But now it'll all be commonplace for you, as a normal part of your life. Your personality.

And then, someday down the road, you'll realize what has happened to you. Your loved ones will have left you. You'll be alone. Unemployed. Struggling to survive. And worst of all, you'll be hooked. You won't be able to fight it, because we will be all you know, and all you remember. You'll slowly dissolve into madness, or mindless stupidity. Whichever comes first. And then, one day, you will snap, and all remains of your former self will be crushed under our weight.

Welcome, my friend. Welcome, my brother.

Welcome to your new home.

Welcome to /b/.

Wife Gave Birth

WWoooohoooooo /b/. My wife just gave birth and yes it is a GIRL. Oh man so fucking sweet. Right tho, i have to figure out some way of making sure she grows up into the perfect daddy loving loli. There must be some way of making sure that several years from now i will be fucking the tightest pusssy i will ever get my dick into. So cmon /b/ we need to make a plan, and i shall keep us all updated with the progress.

Willy Wonka and the Rape Factory

"No. Not tonight," Charlie cried as he buried his tears in his pillow.

"Oh yes, tonight. Tonight, just like yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and a hundred nights stretching before that ending at the day you came to live with me. Tonight, just like tomorrow." And with that, Willy Wonka removed his pants with a smirk. Usually, Charlie's parents and grandparents had been forced to watch, but Willy had killed them all and used their remains as seasoning for a new type of candy, Scrumdidllyumptious Green Soylet Surprise. Tonight would be Charlie's first night alone.

"Please, Mr. Wonka, please don't!" Charlie gave out one last sob of beligerrence, but the Candyman tore off the young boy's trousers with no senses of regret. "Let's see, what do we have hear today? Is there a treat for me? I most certainly hope there is," said Mr.Wonka as we delved his thumb and two fingers into Charlie's anus. Forcing them in until they were at the knuckle, Willy moved his hand around, as if he was searching for something. Then, his hand stopped, suddenly.

"EUREKA! I found it!" Removing his fingers, Charlie saw that firmly clutched in Mr. Wonka's hand was an everlasting gobstopper that Wonka had placed in there last night. Taking a lick, Mr. Wonka declared "It tastes just as delicious as the day I made it, although I don't know how I got so much corn on the shell formula." Wonka said the last line with a wink at Charlie, as if he expected him to laugh.

"Oh well, time for business." And with that, Willy Wonka dropped the gobstopper to his side and began to slide his PENIS into Charlie's now-loose asshole. Charlie let out a small tear and he began to grunt with every thrust. He must escape this madness. He must kill Willy Wonka.

But there were no knives in his home, in his prison. There were no guns or swords or matches, or anything. Everything that was needed was done for you by an oompa-loompa.

"Charlie, in a few minutes I'm going to place this in your mouth. I think you should like it, it's flavored with an exlusive mix of Charlie Bucket chocolate. Thanks for not wiping, baby."

Charlie had given himself poor anal hygeiene in an attempt to scare Wonka away, but Willy ignored it and fucked him all the same, except now with more facials.

Charlie desperatly wanted out of this hell, and by now he was willing to go through any plan he could in order to escape. And that's when he saw it. Next to Wonka's shaking knees was a gobstopper. Charlie moved his hands back as if to play with Willy, but as soon as he was close enough, he grabbed the gobstopper and swallowed it hole. The taste was revolting, but he had grown used to the taste and smell of his own anal production, so it passed into his throat with no problem. And in his throat is where it lodged.

By the time Willy Wonka had figured out Charlie was dead, he had already came in the young child's asshole, wondering why the child did not let loose a barage of tears telling him to pull out.

Placing his PENIS in Charlie's mouth, he noticed the boy's flesh to be unusually cold and his tongue to be unresponsive. Fucking him orally anyway, Willy Wonka knew exactly what to do with his apprentice.

He called out to the worker oompa-loompas and told them to take care of the body as they pleased, to which the oompa loompas chuckled and exchanged mischevious smiles. At once, he signaled for the Chief Loompa. Making motions, Wonka spoke to him.

"Another one has died."

"So, what should I do, sir?"

"Distribute the memory eraser chocolate, again,"

"And then, boss?"

"Tell the world that my factory is opening it's doors to the public after 15 years of life as a hermit. And make sure only boys find the gold this time."

Women

Dear women:

SHUT YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING MOUTHS, CUNTS! YOU ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS! YOU ARE NOT SMART, WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY! THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOOD FOR IS TO SHOW YOUR TITS AND ASS AND TO CARRY AROUND A FEW FUCKING HOLES THAT FEEL GOOD WHEN WRAPPED AROUND MY GODDAMN COCK!

That's right, all a women is is a vessel for a cunt, mouth and asshole that are just begging to get fucking filled with cock. Women are the useless skin around a cunt. Goddamn bitches, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES YOU! YOU'RE JUST A SEX TOY MADE OF MEAT FOR GUYS TO ENJOY! THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR EXISTANCE, TO BE USED LIKE A FLESHLIGHT WITH ARMS AND LEGS THAT MOANS! *THAT'S IT*

Your life is fucking worthless you goddamn sluts. Every day thousands of women around the world have their clits cut off, get raped and beaten.In the USA women get killed and raped daily, yet you fucking dumb cunts still spend all of your cash just to look pretty enough so one of us superior males will fuck your goddamn holes. YOU BITCHES LOVE COCK *THAT* MUCH AND YET YOU CRY WHEN A GUY GIVES IT TO YOU AND CALL IT RAPE? FUCK YOU! GO BACK TO SHOWING TITS AND GETTING FUCKED AND NEVER OPEN YOUR MOUTHS AGAIN... 'cept to take cock.

Weeaboo Girl

Wow. Just wow.

One of my friends came over an hour ago and brought his new girlfriend with him.

She was decent looking (not fat or pasty or pimply or wearing a KAWAIILOL shirt) so I greeted her nicely and we all just hung out for a while, talking about this and that.

About thirty minutes after they arrived my two cats wandered into the living room and the girlfriend lets out this scary as hell shriek. At first I thought she was horribly allergic or something, but then she grabbed my friends arm and started babbling about how cute they were and that they'd make SUCH A PERFECT COUPLE IF THEY WERE CATPEOPLE IN HER MANGA and which one she'd make "uke" and "seme" (one is a big gray monster of a cat and the other is a sleek little brown spotty tabby). Well, she said more in a less intelligible way, but that's about what I got from her spiel.

She stopped babbling after a couple minutes and just looked at me, giggling. I stared back for a second and before I could stop myself I said "Get the fuck out." I didn't yell it or anything, but I sounded pretty cold.

The incident ended with her crying and my friend calling me an ass and storming out of my apartment, dragging her along behind him.

Should I be feeling bad right now?

X

Y

Yoshinoya rant Image:Legendary_icon.gif

More information about the Yoshinoya rant.
>>1 is almost always search-and-replaced by the number of the post or the name of the poster.

Yoshinoya - conversational English

Well, never mind all that, >>1. This has nothing to do with this thread, but would you just listen to me for a little bit? See, I went to the local Yoshinoya today. Right. Yoshinoya. And the damn place was packed so full of people, I couldn't even find a seat. So I looked around a bit, and I found a sign that said "150 yen off". What the hell is wrong with you people? Are you idiots or something? Any other day you wouldn't even think of going to Yoshinoya, but if it's 150 yen off, you all flock in here? It's just 150 fucking yen! 150 yen! And you're bringing the kids too. Look at that, a family of four going to Yoshinoya. Con-fucking-gratulations. And now the guy's going, "All right! Daddy's going to order the extra-large!" Shit, I can't watch any more of this.

Yoshinoya should be fucking brutal. Two guys sit facing each other across a U-shaped table, and you never quite know if they'll suddenly just start a fight right there. It's stab-or-be-stabbed, and that's what so damn great about the place. Women and kids should stay the fuck away.

Well, I finally found a seat, but then the guy next to me goes, "I'll have a large bowl with extra gravy!". So now I'm pissed off again. Who the fuck orders extra gravy these days? Why are you looking so goddamn proud when you say that? I was gonna ask you, are you really going to fucking eat all that gravy? I wanted to fucking interrogate you. For about a fucking hour. You know what? I think you just wanted to say "extra gravy".

Now, take it from the Yoshinoya veteran. The latest thing among the Yoshinoya pros is this: Extra green onions. That's the ticket. A large bowl with extra onions, and egg. This is what someone who knows his shit orders. They put in more onions, and less meat. A large bowl with the raw egg, that's really fucking awesome. Now, you should know, if you keep ordering this, there's a risk employees might write you up. This really is a double-edged sword. I really can't recommend this for amateurs.

And you, >>1, well, you should really just stick to today's special.

Yoshinoya - old translation

Anyways, >>1, please listen to me. That it's really related to this thread.
I went to Yoshinoya a while ago; you know, Yoshinoya?
Well anyways there was an insane number of people there, and I couldn't get in.
Then, I looked at the banner hanging from the ceiling, and it had "150 yen off" written on it.
Oh, the stupidity. Those idiots.
You, don't come to Yoshinoya just because it's 150 yen off, fool.
It's only 150 yen, 1-5-0 YEN for crying out loud.
There're even entire families here. Family of 4, all out for some Yoshinoya, huh? How fucking nice.
"Alright, daddy's gonna order the extra-large." God I can't bear to watch.
You people, I'll give you 150 yen if you get out of those seats.
Yosinoya should be a bloody place.
That tense atmosphere, where two guys on opposite sides of the U-shaped table can start a fight at any time,
the stab-or-be-stabbed mentality, that's what's great about this place.
Women and children should screw off and stay home.
Anyways, I was about to start eating, and then the bastard beside me goes "extra-large, with extra sauce."
Who in the world orders extra sauce nowadays, you moron?
I want to ask him, "do you REALLY want to eat it with extra sauce?"
I want to interrogate him. I want to interrogate him for roughly an hour.
Are you sure you don't just want to try saying "extra sauce"?
Coming from a Yoshinoya veteran such as myself, the latest trend among us vets is this, extra green onion.
That's right, extra green onion. This is the vet's way of eating.
Extra green onion means more green onion than sauce. But on the other hand the price is a tad higher. This is the key.
And then, it's delicious. This is unbeatable.
However, if you order this then there is danger that you'll be marked by the employees from next time on; it's a double-edged sword.
I can't recommend it to amateurs.
What this all really means, though, is that you, >>1, should just stick with today's special.

Ristorante di Milano

This is a spoof of the legendary Yoshinoya rant, written about an Italian restaurant, to make a joke about the term Copypasta

Hey, listen to me for a moment, a'ight? I don't care if it's not related to this thread. Just listen!

Yesterday, I went over to the Ristorante di Milano for a simple meal. Yes, THAT Italian restaurant, Ristorante di Milano.
But the whole restaurant was so crowded, I couldn't even find a seat for hours!
Then I saw a poster that said "Special offer! €12 discount".
I thought to myself... geez, that's so fucking amazing. You guys don't even normally visit Ristorante di Milano.
All you bastards came here just for that stupid-assed €12 discount.
Just for those 12 Euros. TWELVE FREAKIN' EUROS!!

Then I saw some parents & children. A family of four eating out at the Ristorante di Milano. Damn, so much for that bitch's home-cooked family feast.
Then one of the little brats said "Daddy's gonna order a large Bruschetta Fegatini".
I couldn't believe it! Uuuuuggh, are you out of your fucking mind!?
Shiiit, i'll pay you €12 just to move your stanky fat-ass out of a seat.
Dude, you just don't go to the Ristorante di Milano for that lala-oh-i'm-so-happy dinner bullshit.
It's where you pick a fist-fight with the fucking guy sitting across 'yah in that U-shaped table.
Kill or be killed. Heh... now that's the kinda shit I like.
Ladies, kids, stand back... 'cuz everything's gonna get FUCKED UP NOW.

After waiting for ages, I finally found an empty seat. But then, the guy next to me ordered by saying "A large Neopolitan pizza with a LOTTA' pepperoni".
Dude, that just pissed me off even more. Shit, you just don't say "lotta' pepperoni" nowadays, ya' freaking bastard.
How the fuck can you say "lotta' pepperoni" with that "oh, i'm so fucking cool, hur-hur-hur..." look!?!?
Damn, I was THIS CLOSE to standing in front of his face and yelling "DO YOU EVEN LIKE EATING THAT MUCH FUCKIN' PEPPERONI!?"
For a freaking hour, I was THIS CLOSE to doing that.
Shit, I bet you just wanted to use the words "lotta' pepperoni" out loud. Wow, you're so clever.

Dude, you gotta be like ME. See, now I know what's "all that" in the Ristorante di Milano.
What's cool right now to say is "Pennette con Ricotta & Melanzane". That's it!
You see now, a large pasta serving with aubergines & ricotta is what the hardcore Ristorante di Milano freaks eat. Like ME.
Saying "Pennette con Ricotta & Melanzane" means that won't get a pizza, but they put a WHOLE MESS of pasta.
Mmmmm... a lotta pasta, now THAT'S what I call a meal.
But anywhoo... ordering that is kinda' like a double-edged sword. Cuz' then the waiters might notice you the next time you come by.
So yeah, I can't reccomend this to noobs.
For you, just go order a Prosciutto e Melone al Ventaglo. That's as far as you can go, you know what i'm sayin'?

Safari Zone

This is a spoof of the legendary Yoshinoya rant, about Pokémon.

Anyways, >>1, please listen to me. That it's really related to this thread.
I went to the Safari Zone a while ago; you know, Safari Zone?
Well anyways there was an insane number of people there, and I couldn't get in.
Then, I looked at the banner hanging from the ceiling, and it had "150 Poké off" written on it.
Oh, the stupidity. Those idiots.
You, don't come to the Safari Zone just because it's 150 Poké off, fool.
It's only 150 Poké, 1-5-0 POKé for crying out loud.
There're even entire families here. Family of 4, all out for some rare Pokémon, huh? How fucking nice.
"Alright, daddy's gonna catch a Girafarig." God I can't bear to watch.
You people, I'll give you 150 Poké if you get out of those bushes.
The Safari Zone should be a bloody place.
That tense atmosphere, where two guys on opposite sides of the U-shaped shrubbery can start a battle at any time,
the Hyper-Beam-or-be-Hyper-Beamed mentality, that's what's great about this place.
Women and children should screw off and stay home.
Anyways, I was about to start catching, and then the bastard beside me goes "Chansey, with Rollout."
Who in the world uses Rollout nowadays, you moron?
I want to ask him, "do you REALLY want to use a move that takes five turns?"
I want to interrogate him. I want to interrogate him for roughly an hour.
Are you sure you don't just want to try saying "Rollout"?
Coming from a Safari veteran such as myself, the latest trend among us vets is this, Farfetch'd.
That's right, Farfetch'd. This is the vet's way of Pokémon catching.
Farfetch'd means more green onion than anything. But on the other hand the price is a tad higher. This is the key.
And then, it's awesome. This is unbeatable.
However, if you catch this then there is danger that you'll be marked by the old toothless man from next time on; it's a Double-Edge attack.
I can't recommend it to amateurs.
What this all really means, though, is that you, >>1, should just stick with fighting Youngsters outside of Pallet Town.

Myspace rant Yohinoya style

Pay no attention to all that! Current mood: crazy Category: MySpace

This probably makes no sense, but listen anyway. Yesterday I went to myspace, you know.. That place of meeting. Anyway, the servers kept timing out and I couldn't get in. When I finally logged in, I become angry. "326 messages! 43 Friend invites!" You fools, you IDIOTS! You don't come to Myspace and make requests to people you don't know! Myspace should be a brutal place, where people stab each other in the face from the opposite ends of the planet. That's what I would like, Emo kids and drama whores stay away if you really value your life! Anyway, I calm down and go through the business of my day. I come across a message "You don't know me, but I know this person wants you...". I'm angry again. I want to ask them, "Why do you know this and why should I meet them?" I want to interrogate them for an hour. Coming from a Myspace veteran such as myself, It's meaningful friendships That's right, Personal face to face, real life relationships with others. That's the real meaning to Myspace. That's what makes things work. It's unbeatable! Watch your back, though. This will make you appear to be an attention whore, and people will surely make notice of you. I can't recommend it to your typical emo kid. What this all means, my friend, is that you should just stick to Livejournal...

Afganistan - Yoshinoya Style

Anyways, >>1, please listen to me. That it's really related to this thread, though. I went to Afganistan a while ago. Yeah, THAT Afganistan. Well anyways there was an insane number of mass communications there so I couldn't commence an attack. Then, I looked at the banner hanging from the ceiling, and it had "Al-Kaida" or something written on it. Oh, the stupidity. Those idiots. You don't come to Afganistan just because it's war, morons. It's just war. W-A-R for crying out loud. There're even entire families here. Family of 4, all out for some Afganistan, huh? How fucking nice. "Alright, daddy's gonna drop'em some food." God I can't bear to watch. You people, America will do everything from there now on, so fucking clean this land of yourselves. Afganistan should be a more bloody place. That tense atmosphere, when a fight with the guy on opposite seat who recites the Coran can be started at any time, the stab-or-be-stabbed mentality, that's what's great about this place. Women and children should screw off and stay home. Anyways, just when I finally calmed down, the next bastard beside me goes "let's betray Northern Alliance, shall we?" That just pissed me off even more. Who in the world deserts army and betrays, you moron? What does "let's betray Northern Alliance" have this fucking proud face of yours? I want to ask him this, do you REALLY want to betray?" I want to interrogate him. I want to fucking interrogate him for an hour. Isn't it that you just wanted to try saying "NATO"? Coming from a Afgan veteran such as myself, the latest trend in Afganistan nowadays is of course this: self-exploding terrorism. Anthrax and self-exploding terrorism. That's what you should ask for normally. Self-exploding is praised after death. But on the other hand there's not enough satisfaction in the bereaved family. This is the key. And then there's anthrax. This is the most of all. However, if you order this then there is danger that you'll be marked by the UN from next time on; it's a double-edged sword. I can't recommend it to amateurs. What this all really means, though, is that you, >>1, should just stick with Ramadan.

You fucking faggot retard

YOU FUCKING FAGGOT RETARD. I made one of those posts and neither of the others. Stop pretending you are a mod, or actually know shit about anything. You are such a fucking idiot. I love it when stupid faggot little dipshits with tiny dinks like you do those "Same person" line-ups and are totally wrong. Suck my big hairy cock you pathetic know-nothing little queer bait. I'll make you wear a fucking dress. What a stupid fag you are. hard to believe. Fag.

Your post has led to the following conclusion(s)

Your post has led to the following conclusion(s), or prompted the following reaction(s):
[] JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR
[] Imma chargin' my laser
[] I fapped to this.
[] (in, stick, pooper, etc)
[] Double Tap R or Z
[] [Tits | GTFO]
[] We're going back to potatos
[] I lol'd
[] It's a trap
[] Thread is made of (insert word) and win.
[] Thread is made of (insert word) and lose.
[] mmm, delicious copypasta
[] I see what you did there.
[] shop, pixels, seen a few, etc.
[] wtf

Which resulted in
[] The party van showing up
[] Being in before Bel - Air
[] Doing a barrel roll
[] Your being informed of my intentions.
[] Surprise sex
[] Anal sex
[] I got my fuking power wrist. Asshole.
[] Laughter
[] Epic Win
[] Epic Fail
[] I came.
[] (To be determined by evacuation of premeses or exposure of breasts.)
[] wtf

Z

Zimmer

See George Zimmer

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